Hi

Hope all is well with everyone. I am married for 14 years now with two children. Well my problem is
childish and stupid but none the less its bothering me. Recently had a reunion with high school friends and went well.When me and the wife got home we started talking and we started to ask dumb questions about each others past.She seemed to be fine and so was I, but two days later I was sick to my stomach to picture her with others in a sexual way. We were high school sweet hearts and she swears I was her first and only sexual partner. But there was two guys she dated. She said they fooled around a bit but no intercourse.

So my problem is that I cant stop thinking of this and wondering what happened..... I know this is stupid but I get mental pictures and they hurt..


Is this normal...............

Well, now you know why it isn't a good idea to be so frank about our past love life. Yeah, it is normal. And it'll take a lot of time to get those images out of your mind.

This incident could be an opportunity to deepen the real intimacy in your marriage, to have a conversation about your feelings with your wife. Along these lines:

"When I asked you about those people you dated, I didn't realize the bad effect it would have on my feelings. I'm feeling _____________ (insert feeling word here - haunted, jealous, inadequate, insecure, angry - whatever word is true)"

Here you state YOUR feelings without judging your wife. You use an "I feel" sentence. Not a "you make me feel" sentence.

You could tell her how very much you love her, and how grateful you are that the two of you waited for each other before you had intercourse [is that right? or had you had experience before you were with your wife?]

You could tell her that you now see how important fidelity is in a marriage, and that you don't know how people whose spouses have cheated ever get over it. You could tell her how grateful you are that you have a faithful marriage.

Given the images and horror fantasies and wonderings that are choking up your mind, I would not ask questions or dig for more details. You already know the harm this kind of digging can do.

Belle

Thanks for your help. Yes she was my first. I know now that digging to deep into the past and getting graphic on what was done or not is very harmful to the mind. But sometimes when your mind decides to wonder it make you think of the things that might of happened or not ?? Do you know what I mean.. What gets me sometimes is the fact that she knows I fooled around a bit before we became intimate and it doesnt bother her. couls she be holding feelings back and not telling me ? Or are women strong as steel ????

I will use your approach as stated in your reply But how far should I take it and when is the painful thoughts going to leave me alone so I can go on with my life, I feel like a teenager is that stupid or what ???


Littleman1

Yes, of course it's stupid.

And no, of course it's not stupid.

You're getting the emotions that come when a very important and meaningful relationship (your marriage) gets rocked with the fallout of jealousy. You love her. You know love is fragile and you don't want to lose her.

Oh, and those previous experiences of yours? I don't care about what my H did before me, I never asked him and he never volunteered the info.

Put your nervous energy into doing nice things for your wife. Maybe fertilize a patch of dirt near a window, and buy a flat of flowers, and put them in for her. Then water them every other day, as an act of love. Keep yourself busy making her life beautiful and know that in time the images and the worries will fade.

Sit her down on the floor between your feet and comb her hair very softly. Women love having their hair combed or brushed. Tell her how much you love her, always. In time it will sink in how very lucky she is that she waited to marry YOU instead of the boys she dated in school.

Belle

Once again, thanks for the boost of energy I get when reading your reply. I will do just what you suggested and concentrate on happy thoughts and nice things and will even try and brush my wifes hair. Hopefully she will know that she is in my heart .

Thanks
Littleman1

How about an update? How are things today?

Hello Belle

I havent heard from you in awhile .

I was still having those same issues about that one guy my wife fooled around with and those thoughts as if I was right there. I guess something I didnt know about my wife caused me to go into some sort of PTSD or even some OCD.
I resorted to taking some meds to help my mind coop with the stupid thoughts and images.
I feel a little better been on the meds only one week thought hopefully its not the meds and my mind is just done grieving..

Got any insite on this I would love to hear it.

Littleman

I don't think that the issue is stupid. It happens to all of us as we stroll down memory lane that we don't want to know. I know that for a long time I would really get crazy when my wife would bring up her past boyfriends, particulary one due to the fact that he is the bother of one of my brother in laws.

At first, it was difficult to accept and then I realized that any mental image that I had was just hurting me. I simply accepted the fact that I had a past as well and that if the situation were reversed, I would hope that she would be as accepting as I am.