I am in my 8th month of trying to patch my marriage back togrther after the worst fight of our lives. It started after my anger got the best of me, and I pursued a fight over something trivial-the light being on- and ended us up nose to nose, and I pushed her. I then was so sorry, that I pursued a conversation right there, which was viewed as my agressively coming after her.

I was asked to leave, but asked to stay and am still at home, with our 3 kids, in our bed. But since that day, nothing is right, and my wife still says she is traumatized, and cannot make peace with what happened. She continues to say that time will be the only healer, which I hope is true, but I get pretty discouraged because I NEVER imagined this would still be an issue after this long.

I still love my wife. I want our family to be a family. She is so far not open to conselling- she says she did nothing wrong, so why- but I am growing frustrated. Any thoughts ?

Thanks

Sorry that this happened. It is most unfortunate.

Your wife doesn't trust you right now, and that is her right. She may not feel that she needs counseling right now, and that is her right.

Because you got in her face, and did lay your hands on her in a violent way (it doesn't matter how easy of a push or touch or nudge). I think that you should get into see a counselor.

I have a temper. It is not my wife's fault even though it is most often directed her way. It is my fault for not being able to control my reactions to my feelings and emotions and express them in a rational manner that could and will diffuse problems.

You can't make your wife get over this. It isn't her fault that she feels the way she does. She loves you, but most likely feels extremely betrayed by you.

My counselor (a woman) has stated that security, stability, affection, honesty, admiration are very important to women. You robbed your wife of security and stability in a matter of seconds. Because of this, you should feel very fortunate right now. Your wife hasn't thrown you out on your A$$.

My wife isn't in love with me anymore because of my temper, insecurities, and controlling behavior. I am changing my behavior without the slightest gurantee that my wife will allow us to fall in love again, or be happy again in marriage. You have the opportunity to make these changes before it gets to that.

So, call a counselor make an appointment and go. You can only say that you are sorry once. You can only say that you will never let it happen again once. You need to forgive yourself for this act, so that you can take the necessary steps to heal yourself and change your behavior, so that it never happens again.

After you speak to someone a few times, and can understand a few things about yourself... maybe then you and your wife can grab a book or speak to someone together. Learn to setup boundaries in times of conflict so that you and your wife may be able to avoid escalation to the point where you lose your temper.

My counselor told me this...
Picture your little girl (whether you have one or not), she grows up beautiful and sweet. Now picture your beautiful little girl and her boyfriend in a disagreement... and he speaks to her or reacts to her the way that you do towards your wife. What would you do?

I told my counselor that it would be pretty, and in that instant the enormity of my guilt was realized. It is a difficult thing to take responsibility for, but you must do it if you want to become a better man and the greatest husband. Let your wife take her time to regain that trust... at least she still loves you (I don't even have that luxury).

I'll say a prayer for you. Say one for me. Get to the counselor.

thanks 24 for the advice. very keen insight

I have been in counselling since the incident, and have tried to make changes in my life. I think they are working so far, but where it gets me in my relationship, who knows. At very least, these are changes that need to happen. I too have been seeing a woman, and she is helpful. She wonders what it will take to get my wife going forward, so your insight is actually quite valuable.

I try to look at the positives- being at home, still socializing with our friends, playing tennis together, being with my kids-2 girls and a boy- and think it can be much worse. But I miss the affection something terrible, and it gets worse by the day. Still hopeful, but hurting badly.

I just need to show her I am there for her, and will be as long as there is hope for this to work out. Its tough to be patient this long, but in my mind, the alternative is FAR worse. Thanks.

Hey 2590. I hope things improve for you. I'm certain that they will if you commit yourself to this.

I wanted to let you know that I am meeting with my Counselor (woman) one more time. I would love it if my wife would join me; however, because she isn't, I feel that I should begin speaking with a male counselor.

Men and women think differently, and I want to make sure that the changes that I make are 100% for my character and behavior. It has been suggested that I see a male counselor to continue on my current path. I think that I will definitely make some appointments with the female counselor, as she has helped me so very much thus far.

Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say hang in there... I'll do the same.

24

Appreciate your input and kind words. Your thought of this being at her speed has made me look at this in a way that I should have all along, that it is not about me, but her and the healing process after trust is broken.

I will hang in there, you do the same. Hope things go your way, it sounds like you are on the right path.