My husband and I have been married for one and a half years and it's not working. I'm really desparate to make it work but I hear different opinions on how to do it from my Christian friends and advisors which leaves me frustrated.
So, here is the situation: My husband's family has been broken for some time now. The father had an affair and left for another woman. My husband was the youngest child (he was 12 at the time) and the only one that stayed with the mother. He developed an addiction to movies and food at that time. A kind of a Christian subsitute for alcoholism, a way of escaping reality. The result is his diabetes (which he is not taking care of - not following the diet or excersizing) and our relationship, that is falling apart mostly because all he does is watching movies. We don't talk, we don't pray together, we don't do anything together that doesn't involve movies or food. I am not exaggerating - that is all he does. He comes home like to a hotel - to eat, sleep and watch movies. I have become a maid for him. No begging, no pleading, no yelling changes anything. But that's not all.
The other big problem is his mother. All the children in this family agreed that even though their father did a wrong thing for having an affair and leaving the family, it was his mother who drove him away by her manipulation, control and pride. My husband was the one who told me about it when we were dating and we were in another country, far away from his mom. When we came back here, to the States and got married (and now we live in the house that belongs to his mother - but she doesn't live with us - she lives 5 minutes away) it seems like he forgot about it. And now he acts like I have a problem with his mom and his mom is innocent.
But what is really going on is that my husband is spending our money on movies and food and then when we are broke and have to pay the bills he "borrows" from his mother. And because of that and of the fact that we have been living rent-free in her house, she assumes that we owe her something and that it gives her a right to run our lives and make decisions for us. My husband decides things with her and then annouces it to me. I don't have a say in anything most of the time. The problem is that he doesn't want to take responsibility and grow up because it's comfortable for him to have his mom fix everything. I asked him if we could move out and find our own place but he doesn't want to.
His mom tried to control me too - everytime I did something she didn't approve of she would come to me and would go down the list of everything that is wrong with me. She told me that I let the whole family down and that I'm not right for my husband and I make him miserable and depressed. She did the same thing with another daugther-in-law before me.
I have to admit, many times I felt intimidated by her. She has this thing about her that makes people (not only me) feel worse and unworthy and lesser than she. She is in ministry and that always made me question myself. That maybe I do something wrong, maybe the way things are in our marriage is entirely my fault. Yet at the same time I heard stories about her from many different people. And those stories are very similar to mine.
To give you the whole picture I have to admit that I am not the holy one in this situation either. Many times I would blow up and say hurtful things to my husband (and then he would tell me that I'm not being supportive of him and his mother is supportive). I just really don't know how to handle this situation right. So, I would lock myself in the room and cry and when we talked I would say hurtful things. And then he would say hurtful things and recently he has become a bit violent - he would grab me by my arm and shake me or push me. Or would come and grab the book I am reading from my hand and throw it away. Stuff like that. And then he apologizes but says it's OK because I push his buttons.
Few weeks ago he asked for a divorce. Then, few days later he apologized. It's been back and forth since. I decided to let things cool off and I'm staying with my friends for few weeks. Basically all of my friends (Christians, older and with families, in ministry) told me that I shouldn't go back until my husband realizes his unhealthy relationship with his mother and is willing to move out and also get counseling.
We did try counseling already. It was a Christian woman who after separate session told me that she thinks I should leave him because there is not much chance of him changing. Of course, he got angry and said that he won't go back to that counselor. My friend suggested that maybe we should go for counseling to a couple or a man, since my husband didn't have very much male authority growing up. But most of my friends are leaning towards a divorce.
I don't want a divorce. I love my husband, yet I cannot continue to live like that for much longer.
If you could, please, give me some input, I would really appreciate it. I just really don't know what to do. I'm wiling to change anything that I need to change in order for this marriage to work. If you have any insight, please, share it with me.
