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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 1
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 1
the night of the IVAN storm my fiance and i had spent 4 hours chatting on messenger..
near the end of our conversation i mentioned something we had dissagreed on a couple days before and i apologised but said that he had been crabby latey..
he said no he wasnt crabby and we began to talk about it..
(all the while i guess the storm had built up stronger)
he was agitated and sarcastic all thru it.. still claiming i had been accusing.. i hadnt.. i just didnt understand the circumstance of some woman calling him and teasing about seeing him about seeing a woman in his truck in town.. asking if he had been holding out on everyone and got hitched.. i asked why she would be so interesin who we was seeing or dating.and that was when he got sarcastic making it like i was implying she was interested.. i said he was being rediculous.. and as his fiance i had a rght to ask a question with out him immediatly diving on me..the only thing i implied about anything was that in a small town like that everyone must be busy bodies to just run to the phone after seeing him and leaving a message like that..
he explained thet he knew her and her husband and teased with them all the time.. and all i said was.. well if you had told me that i wouldnt have had to ask him questions.. how did he expect me to undersrand f he didnt tell me things? i went on to say that i only wanted respect and it isnt fair for him to think i was accusing him..
he responded with.. no you just talk to hear yourself f--ing speak.. i need to go this house is F--ING SHAKING!! bye..

i was hurt and angry by that but the next morning i caled his house but instead of talking to him when he answered.. i heard he sounded ok and just hung up.. i felt angry at him i figured i would call later in the evening when i had more time and would be able to talk longer.. ( i know it was dumb to hang up)

at 6pm he sent me a scathing email..saying his power had just come back on..they were in a state of emergency and thanking me for all my concern..had he been willing to talk about all his looser friends i might have been more interested in calling him.. he said those same LOOSERs had come up on 4 wheel drives and checked on him after the storm.. and the only looser he had in his life was me..

when i emailed him back i only said i had called and hung up earlier when i heard he was ok.. and that he was lucky to have such good friends..that i never called anyone a hideous name like a looser and that i was sorry he felt i was a looser.. if he truely believed that he should be around me..i also asked him how he would feel if someone spoke to his daughter the way he had done to me..
i even had my nephew call him to confirm that ihad indeed called several times.. my nephew told him he didnt appreciate the email he had sent me.. he asked him to put me on but i refused because i was still very angry..
i took a day to cool down and emailed him and also left a phone message explaining things.. and also telling him that i understand him being upset due to what happened around him and i was stupid to hang up but he would think back and remember that hangup call and i could prove it when my phone bill came in.. i also said that i was going to call him later that night but he attacked me with that email and never gave me a chance..and it is a helpless feeling to be accused of something like that when it just wasnt true

what can i do now? i feel so hurt that he would be so mean and nasty.. even though i understand him being hurt and mad.. do you think he will calm down and cool off?

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 680
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 680
You'll get a better response on the Emotional Needs board...

My take... you 2 do too much "explaining" to each other. There's an art to picking your battles and letting some things go. I think you were totally within your right to ask about what seems from your post to be an odd comment. From there, you two just ran with the winds of Ivan and blew it all out of proportion. How many times do you need to explain yourself? Or vice versa?

To be honest, who cares if you called and hung up? If he needs to see your phone bill to prove it, then there are bigger problems in your relationship. You're both acting like drama queens in a teen soap opera. The middle of a hurricane isn't hte best of times to talk about stuff either.

My advice to you:
- Stop explaining yourself and bringing it up.
- Give it some time.
- Bring it up later when you're actually together and can set a more open and relaxed mood.
- Don't be defensive... do you need to be? Even if he is, you shouldn't be.
- Does this stuff happen all the time? If yes, get some help. If no, then figure out why before you get married and have kids.
- Name calling... is ridiculous.


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