Okay I tried this yesterday and it didn't work so we will try again. First time here and here is the problem. About 6 mths ago my husband and I had a bad fight and I took off for the night - went to my daughters home. When I came back the fight started up again - some time during the few hours that followed I supposedly called him another name. I can't remember doing this but he insists I did. His name is John and the name I supposedly called his was Jim. Don't know any Jims - had a boyfried years ago by that name 30 yrs ago - don't know why or if I even did it. But regardless I am living a nightmare because he won't let go of this name issue. He thinks I was or am having an affair. Don't know how or when I am suppose to be doing this - I go to work everyday - car pool and come straigt home. I can't get through to him, he seems to let go for awhile and then it starts all over again. He says he doesn't think he will get over it. I have suggested counselling for him or both of us. He refuses to go - says there is nothing wrong with him - he heard what he heard and that is all there is to it. I have repeatedly stated that I did not cheat - I won't cheat - I took a vow and that I love him and would never do that to him. I have even offered to go and get a lie dector test done - he says no won't pay for that (500.00) and also said people can pass those test even though they are lying - I have never lied to this man. On Thursday night it all started up again - he is saying that it might be better now for him to find another place to live. I can't believe this is happening to me - I am being punished for something I am not guility of. We have been married for 9+ years - I can't believe a marriage can end for something like this. Have any of you gone through something like this and if you have what was the out come and how did you work things out how did you handled it how did you manage to hold on to your santity? You might want to know that everyone my husband was with in the past had cheated on him and he in turn cheated on them.

Help I feel like I am going insane. Don't suggest that I go for counselling I have been since this whole thing started.
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I used to accuse my spouse of cheating on me all the time.....it was more of a trust issue.
I KNOW now that he isn't, but during those early years, I was so insecure, I really couldn't help myself....counseling won't help.
If he feels he has to move out. fine , let him. He'll be back, or if he isn', he is probably cheating on you. I had to have constant reassurance. Leaving during a fight triggers a lot of abandonment issues for people like myself and it reeks of betrayal...Don't leave during a fight. See it through to resolution. Think of it as leaving your newborn alone....you wouldn't, right?
I have no advice to offer, only recognition that I used to be one of those insecure idiots who would do what your spouse has done to you 5 years ago. It got better with my spouse's patience and understanding.....not counseling.
Hush

Red this is a problem in my marriage as well except the shoe is on the other foot. I accuse my husband of cheating and through reading I discovered that my husband had been neglecting me and our marriage for years. See if your husband will fill out the emotional needs questionaire. And try to do some of the things he feels is missing. This is an awesome tool to get to the bottom of such feelings. It has helped me. Try to patient with him and do not over react to his comments, this will only make him feel validated in his oppinion. I say oppinion because that's what it is. He has no solid evidence I'm assuming so it is his oppinion.

-hereforus

As far as leaving during a fight I do not normally do this however this fight was a very bad one. Too many angry words were spoken on both parts, tempers were high so I left rather than take the chance that it might esculate. I guess I need to tell you that many years ago 25 approx. I was in an abusive marriage - I got out and vowed no man would ever do that to me again. Thus I was a single mom for over 15 years. He has refused to listen to my daughter and her husband as to my where abouts that night. He is choosing to live in is make believe cloud of confusion. I did nothing wrong period. All I did was remove myself from the emotional turmoil of that evening. As far as neglicting his emotional needs all I have to say about that is bull. All I have given this man for 9 yrs is a solid loving home - where I tell him every day how much I love him and need him. My family means everything to me that is who I am. I love to cook and I even love cleaning my home. I have supported this man for the past 9 years. I was there when he lost a job and had to take on a commercial newspaper delivery route and get up in the early morning and start at 3 a.m.. I went with him every day to help and then went in to my full time job Monday through Friday. I am the one that borrowed money to send him to truck driving school so he could evently get a job as a commercial truck driver. I told him when he had doubts about his ability that he could do it. So don't talk to me about not meeting his emotional needs. I have and continue to be a devoted wife. I am not turning to this forum for suggestion about how I can help him by changing me. All I am asking is have any of you been through what I am going through and how did you get past it. Please remember I have been tried and found guilty and am now in jail doing time for something I am not guility of!!!!

Red,
I have one question and one comment.

Is your husband an OTR driver or is he local? My husband used to be a truck driver before he was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. He had to quit that job because a sleeping disorder and driving are obviously not a good combination. When he was driving OTR in the beginning of our marriage it put a lot of stress on both of us. We never saw each other except for one day a week then it was off again to California or where ever else.

My comment: Just because you think you are doing everything you feel your husband needs does not mean that you are. A husband and wives emotional needs can be completely opposite. And I've read that husbands and wives will tend to fill needs in a way that they would like their needs fulfilled. In fact when my husband and I did the EN questionaire we were really surprised at the out come. It's a real eyeopener.

-hereforus

I was going to say the same thing as hereforus about meeting HIS emotional needs. You can bend over backward your entire life, but if your missing the mark on what HE feels he needs (as opposed to what YOU feel he needs), his needs might not be met. That's why the emotional needs questionnaire is so useful. Also, I'd recommend "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Great book that addresses this confusion of meeting the RIGHT needs.

My first thought when reading your post was that he is using this as an excuse to withdraw further. I doubt that the name bit is the real problem. He is just focusing on that because it's an easy target. It's possible HE is having an affair and wants to believe it is your fault somehow...perhaps trying to justify it be believing you are, too. It is possible that he is just unhappy and is trying to escape rather than work through things. Regardless, it's going to take both of you working together to get through this. As long as you have the attitude that YOU won't change because you have already given more than your share, you will lose this battle.

And to answer your question, yes, there are others on these boards with similar situations. I'd recommend posting in one of the infidelity forums where you'll get more responses and hear from people who are more familiar with this specific kind of problem.

Best of luck,
Smile

The answer to your question(s) - no he is not OTR driver, he is strickly local, home every night, leaves at 4 am gets home most days by 6 pm. I hear from him at least 7 times a day. First thing in the morning once he gets into town, second time when I get to work to make sure I got there okay. He calls me late morning to say he is back from the states etc etc.. I can also get a hold of him. I know where he is most of the day - his pay cheques reflect this. So know I don't think he is having an affair. I don't know when he would have the opportunity - when he finishes working he comes home. As far as using this an excuse for something to pull away from this relationship - it's funny because prior to this our marriage was very good. We were a great team, we were each other's best friend. We were solid we also worked through anything that might come up. That is why this is so darn hard.

There are two things that can be here.
One is that your husband has resolved issues as you mentioned. Someone has cheated on him so he thinks you have. Everything you do he has distorted to be a cheated situation.

The second situation can be that he has cheated on you. I hope not. If this is the case, he feels guilty and is turning the table on you. This happens a lot. Don't over-react but investigate before accusing him. Don't do what he does to you.

I hope this helps.