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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 3
M
Junior Member
Junior Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 3
First, let me say that I love my wife. More than anything in the world, I love her. That is why I am turning here.

Second, I am an idiot. I fully admit my idiocy, and wish I was just a bit smarter when it came to relationships. That is the next reason I am turning to this forum.

No, I haven't cheated on my wife, but I have given her the impression that I am. I certainly didn't mean to, but I have. It started about year before we were married, she found an email I had sent to an old co-worker (who I did not like) that seemed was on the racy side. I called this ex-coworker "hot" and said I wanted her "hot body". Stupid I know, but it wasn't true. I was, in fact, sending bcc's of this email to another ex-coworker because it was a goof on this rather snobby and mean woman. The two of us got a kick out of it, that is, until my wife found the email. She didn't believe me, and hence she thought I actually wanted this woman. I guess I would too if in her shoes.

Then, I decided to try to write an article on the "amazon women" scene, in which men pay women to get them to submit physically. I am not into this whatsoever, and it was my first attempted foreay into freelance writing. I actually got the idea from a freelance newsgroup I had belonged to. I did not go through with the meeting, because I didn't have the guts to tell my wife what I was doing and decided it wasn't the smartest thing to do. Again, my wife found the email requesting the meeting, does not believe me that I didn't go to it, and I am stuck with no proof that I didn't. She found the email, and I am sunk.

Finally, she found an email from some yahoo group regarding Escorts (I think it was one of the 100 spam emails I get every day). Now she swears that I am into escorts, which I am not, and that I am seeing them! Hardly the case. When I travel on business, I do my business, work in my hotel room, and never go to bars, or see anyone of any kind. I guess escorts could go to your room, but there would be that obstacle of paying them, calling them, and then actually doing something with them that I would not do. Again, easy to say, hard to prove.

Keep in mind please that all of these events have happened over years, not months or days. My wife constantly checks up on me, which I don't mind until something harmless turns into something harmful. I am not an angel, but I am not cheating. I think this could ruin a marriage I don't want to see end ever. I know, it seems so simple to say "Then don't be so stupid", but it isn't so easy to practice it. I just would like some guidance on patching this up, moving on (which never seems to happen), and getting earning the trust I want my wife to have in me.

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 595
A
aaa Offline
Member
Member
A Offline
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 595
Hi mongo,

I would post this on the "Emotional Needs" board, b/c you'll get more replies.

There are two solutions to your problem:

1) Don't do anything/say anything that would be interpreted by your W as "sketchy", like calling another woman "hot", even in jest. It's disrespectful to the marriage, her, and your vows.

2) SHOW HER, don't tell her, that she is the ONLY woman for you. Have you guys done the EN questionaires (available on the boards?)

Anyway, I would post this on the Emotional Needs board...
good luck and best wishes
aaa

Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,151
S
Member
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S Offline
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 2,151
I'll also add:

Don't say or do anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing with your wife next to you. That's a great rule of thumb to keep you honest and keep you from screwing up.

If and when you realize that you have done something that might upset her, tell her before she finds out on her own. Say, "I realize this might look bad, so I wanted to let you know exactly what happened and what my intentions were."

Practice complete Radical Honesty. Prove yourself to her.

Best of luck,
Smile

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 74
H
Member
Member
H Offline
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 74
Mongo,
Like your wife I accuse my husband of cheating. He denies it but the thought is always there and drives me as crazy as he gets when I do it. Here are somethings I wish my husband would do when I'm in accusal mode:

1) Be Patient and listen
2) If unexplained spending of money is an issue keep receipts and a register of where the cash is going.
3) Do not have unexplained lapses in time
4) Do not over-react to her accuasations. When my husband does this to me it makes me feel like he is trying to hard to defend himself thus he must be doing it.
5) Do not have unexplained mileage on your car
6) Let her know what you are doing always, so that she feels included and feels that she has a say in your choices.
7) Ask her to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionaire. Something is possibly missing in the marriage that is important to her.
8) Call her often when you are away and invite her to call you back when you at the hotel.
9) Tell her how much you love her and appreciate her daily.

It sounds like a lot to do and I'm sure others can add to this list but this is some of the things that come to mind for me.

I'm still trying to not accuse my husband but it's so hard when you got a feeling in the pit of your stomache that won't go away.

-hereforus


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