My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years(sunday). There has been so much pain associated with those years. Most of them have been because of financial decisions that he made without me. The latest was that he took out a $5,000 loan without me knowing. This was for one of the many stupid businesses he thinks he can do. This last one has put US into debt about $10,000. I say US because the bill collectors call ME, and the money comes from me. I have come to not like my husband anymore...almost to hate him. He is in the medical field, and is good with what he does there. But he does not hold on to jobs for long. Then he starts the stupid businesses on the side..that put us in debt. I work hard to keep us out...and he keeps putting us in.

For years, we gave up earned income credit, to pay off back child support for a daughter that I found out about after we were married. Now, that is over....we have wanted to build our own home in the country...bought our land..pd for it., but seven years later..we live in the same home that has major septic problems. and I look up at the hill where we want to build daily. We were going to go ahead and buy in the city , until the girls are graduated. The loan company said that if they could use my credit, that would be great...but because he is the "breadwinner"..his credit is used..and his debts with businesses has ruined it. This is even after, we discussed financial planning after listening the the Dave Ramsey show.

Our girls recently were gone for a week long trip. He had just started working a new job (medical) and met a new guy friend. During the week, he only thought of himself and spending time with his new friend, while I waiting for him to come home. Most of the time he was a church with him, but doesnt there come a time to spend time with your wife?????

Sometimes , he is gone until late at night,and wont even call me. I was making arrangements to go out of town with him, for a relaxing weekend) and he tells me that his new friend will be a church on sunday and it would not be good if he was not there too. So, for the week the girls were gone...there was no time together.

Any work that needs done around the house ...yard...I do. Recently, we went on vacation, and I found out that he went to a strip bar (supposedly because his daughter works in the bar part) but he said the girls were behind him...he did not look...Yeah right...that happened twice in his home town over the summer. I get my credit card bill , a couple of months ago, and find out that he has order several porn movies over the year. I told him when we were on vacation that I dont want him around anymore. He always says lets work it out, but then slips back into doing more..I cant stand it anymore.

Our girls are teenagers. I run them to school, youth group, to hang with friends (because we are out in the country.) My daughter recently asked if I ever feel like a single parent. All of the time. He goes out and hangs with friends...starts stupid business that are killing me....but yet.....I make sure he gets his dinners cooked, clothers washed, bills made out. I cant stand him anymore..there is so much emotional turmoil that I have gone through over the years.....

My dad is the one who helps to buy clothes for our girls...or gives them spending money. It is like my husbands just reaps the rewards and does what he wants to do....I am considering taking the girls and moving. Yet, there is the part of me that feels sorry for him.

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: hurting in ky ]</small>

That is a question olny you can answer. But I do think I would take total control of the money issues.

I would also get you and your husband in MC, and try and get him into IC.

Wow, this probably isn't going to come as a shock, but your husband has problems, and you are enabling him.
It's not your fault that he has the problems he does. Sounds like maybe he's ADD and doesn't know it. Or could be Bi-polar and doesn't know it.... anyway, your problems reminded me of what I went through wiht my son's dad.
The first year we were together was great, but after our son was born, he started lying to me. At first about little things, and then I got suspicious about other stuff and would dig and find out he was lying about a lot. One night he didn't come home but called at 5:30 AM to say he would be home in an hour, had drank too much and stayed with a friend. I said OK. Then star 69 the phone #. A woman answered. My heart sank. She said she didn't know who he was and that there was no one there but her.
Over the next couple of weeks I was consumed with that phone number- wanting to know who it belonged to, where it was.
I'd pass a pay phone, slam on the breaks, get out and check it. I was freaked out of my mind. He said it was so-and-so's.
Anyway, a month or so later, we were on a drive and he said, You really want to know where that number came from? I said Yes. He drove me out this little country road and showed me this pay phone at a gas station.
So I was like "What were you doing here at 5 AM?" he pointed further down the road and said he had been at Shotgun Willies-- a truck stop strip club on the side of the interstate.
So then I was like "What happened? Tell me everything right now."
Turns out he found himself there, got drunk, felt stupid for having been there, decided to come home, passed out in the car, woke up at 5 started driving home and pulled over at the first pay phone he came to because he knew I'd be worried.
Damn Straight I was worried.
Anyway, l digressed there, sorry.
But I was always working and had found my ambition. I didn't know where to put it, but I was tired of being poor, and wanted us to get ahead. I had some money my grandma had given me and wanted to buy a house.... Then one day, a bill comes for my one and only credit card I had gotten for an emergency and had not used. It was maxxed out.
We were pay check to pay check as it was.
I was furious that he had done this without first asking me. Also, the stupid thing was in my name. AND, on top of it, what did he buy? Where did the money go? He hadn't used it to fix the car, or to buy our son any clothes or toys, or me any jewelry.
Well, he had bought himself stuff- clothes, taking friends to meals, paying for gas, acting like a gnerous person with means.
Wow.
So, we get my name off the card, and he's handing over his paychecks and I'm paying bills. We get squared away and the debt gets smaller and smaller after a while. We are looking at houses and have found one we liked. I'm dreamy with anticipation and how awesome it will be to have our own place for our son to grow up in, a place to plant ourselves, to work on, to change with us.... we get our credit reports, and we don't get the loan because it turns out he had maxxed that card out again, and had taken those bogus loans they send int he mail-- the ones with the 18% interest rates.
It was killing me. We were making just above minimum wage, and our son was getting more expensive the older he got. We had no health insurance, and were living in a trailer his parents owned and were nice enough to only charge us lot rent on (they did that for grandson, not really for us, but it helped a ton).
Even with their help. I felt I was sinking.
Fast.
Then I get a call-- he's in jail. Leagal fees start adding up on top of the debt.
When all was said and done, it was about $10,000 and nothing to show for it.
I started to think he had a drug problem.
Still, he hadn't bought me anything, really, or our son, or anyone anything of real value.
I tell you all this because he was ADD (we knew this already), and turns out he was bi-polar and would get manic and loose all reality- thinking he was on the ball, overconfident about ability to pay back, about my response, about how impressive he would seem, exaggerate how much he needed the money-- all of it just to keep up appearances.
Stupid, but more than that. It was a real problem.
Turns out he had been lying to everyone, his parents, our friends, etc-- telling them I was making lots of money and supporting him and that is why he could afford new shoes, new toys, to take them out to eat. Also told them he had been sponsored by a sports company that was flowing him free product-- so he had to look sponsored with new gear and a 'devil may care' attitude about the gear he had.
It was about all I could take. And it was only 5 years when we broke up.
Five extremely long years.
I hear ya.
It hurts. Protect yourself-- no one else is going to do it for you. Even if he loves you. He has a problem. Even if you love him, subjecting yourself to this is not healthy for you. And it's hard becase it's not an affair, it's not addiction, and it's not outright abuse... it's like just this ... What?
Can't name it.
Best of luck. We're here when you need to vent.
Lucy