Dear all,

I have been bothered by this since I married my current husband and could not figure out a good solution to the conflicts. I would appreciate your reading my message and giving me some advice from your personal experience.

My husband has a 30-yo son ("P" thereinafter) from his previous marriage. P moved over to live with us after he received his PhD and shared a pretty fair rent (much lower than he would pay by living by himself). In an early email from P to his father, P said that he would not have meals at home to bother us, however, he almost had every dinner at home without paying any grocery during the 2 years he spent with us.

It was all fine for us at the beginning because I somewhat agreed with P that no parents should ask their kids to pay that "much" rent. Anyway, day by day, P never paid a cent for any meals he had with us at any restaurants, neither did he use his car once for any family events he went with us.

Last year, I had an accident and was hospitalized for one week. Due to his father's unemployment at that moment, I did not have any medical insurance and the bill ended with over $50k. His father was desperately looking for a new job to pay the bill while P announced to move out and paid only 10 days' rent, which P called very fair.

After P moved out, he told us that he was getting married to a girl he met at school. For some reason, they decided to have the wedding at the other side of the coast. P invited us and his grandfather to the wedding and persuaded his bankrupted and unemployed father to pay the airfare and hotel for us and his grandfather (over $2,000). One week before the wedding, P called and said that the wedding had been canceled because his fiancé had cheated during the period of time P stayed with us. He promised over the phone that he would pay everyone back the money they'd spent for his wedding, which he never mentioned afterwards.

Eventually, my husband found a new job and we moved to the current state. Before the moving, he asked P whether we could temporarily use his mailbox for our mail as we had not got time to find an apartment yet. P made it clear that he was not willing to have anything to do with my medical bill.

Time went by fast. We settled down in this city and thought that we would have a brand new life ahead. Guess what, P came back. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. His father had a business trip to P's city (where we lived) and, as usual, invited him for dinners. After a couple of beer, P told his father that I was spoiled and his father should have spoiled me like that. P's definition of spoiling is that his father should have gone everywhere with me, shopping, football games, concerts and trips. I understand that his father spent a lot of time with P before our marriage, taking him to Europe, buying first class tickets to Hawaii for P and his ex-wife or paying his trips to visit his grandfather. I am just like a bad third person who stepped into their relationship and interfered their daily life.

Meanwhile, P told his father that he was still living with his girlfriend for convenience although he called her a WHORE in public for what she'd done.

My husband came back from that "nice" trip and his attitude towards me changed dramatically. He stayed at the office till 10pm and started to fool around with other women online. That month was a nightmare for me. My mother was visiting us and I could not tell her what had happened except crying by myself. It was not until my father-in-law stood out that my husband promised to make up for our relationship.

Another couple of months passed. My husband planned to visit his father who lives in anther country. P suggested that they go together to save money. My husband was so glad that he lied about paying cash for P's tickets from USA to that country. Instead, he told P that he used the mileages he had earned from his business trip as he did not want to give P any pressure that he needed to pay us back. As planned, P flew over to our place to join his father first. Rather than flying directly to our city, he chose to go to the airport which is one hour's drive from where we live because the airfare was cheaper.

Sitting in his father's car, he commented that it was not bad at all that the airport was only one hour away. In addition, he was excited talking about a possible job opportunity for him in a state near us and how he lied about his salary to get a higher raise. After we got home, P walked around checking each room and didn’t make any efforts to cover his “surprise” and confusion why we would have bought a new TV (the old one was broken during the moving) and two bicycles when we are bankrupted and in debt and were not able to lend him any money for his investment in his $400K house.

Anyway, the minute P landed at his city back from his visit to his grandfather, he received a message which confirmed his new job with an offer of $90K a year. He had no hesitance to break with his girlfriend, who was busy looking for his luggage for him at the airport, and told her that they had never got along with each other. One thing he did not expect was that the girl insisted on keeping the diamond engagement ring and the wedding band as a compensation for her service during the year. P concluded that he had lost his interests in African American women (his first wife) and Caucasian American women (his girlfriend). He may want to try Asian ladies in two or three years and they had better be financially and emotionally independent to be his wife.

It’s been over one week since P moved to his new company and he’s already bought a $280K house for investment with the fortune he made from selling his house to one of his previous co-workers. Last Wednesday, he called his father and asked him to talk to his previous girlfriend about the possibility for reunion. The next morning after his phone call, he told us that he’d decided to marry her again and the wedding would be held in Vegas before the end of this year. He emphasized that the reason for the reconsideration of the marriage was because that she would be a good candidate for his kids. At the end of the announcement, P said that he would pay the airfare for us this time. He also mentioned that he would spend the Christmas with the girl’s family, which he told us earlier that he would be very busy with the new job and would not have time to visit his father during Christmas.

Everything seemed to go in the right direction and we thought that we could have our life back after his wedding. But, this turned out to be a joke. When we were having nice walk in the park yesterday morning, P called again. He talked about the hotel he had booked for him and his fiancé and other arrangement for the wedding. His father gave him some good advice about the timing as the expense would very high in Vegas during the holiday. When he asked whether P could book a room for us at the same hotel, P became quiet and said that he might not have enough money for our air tickets.

Well, well. What can I say? My husband and I canceled our plan for a Christmas trip due to the debt. We are even moving to a smaller place to save money. What did all these turn out to be? (sigh)