Desolate doesn't even begin to cover it. After five years of marriage, 4 years of living together prior, and 4 years of long-distance love before that... after going through difficult prior relationships to be able to be together... I allowed myself to wait too long to work on issues with sexual intimacy, and although I was actually conscious of the problem and working on it internally, I had been looking forward to this time after a long and arduous work period to being together and resolving this so that we could "have it all." Our relationship was passionate in the beginning, but both of us struggled with depression over time, and it often interfered with our keeping the passion going as well as it could. But we were affectionate and we had good conversation, we "seemed" to be honest and open (except we didn't talk enough about that, to be sure). When we slipped on physical attractiveness we worked hard to get it back. We admire each other greatly. We share many interests, so recreational companionship has been relatively good, though could be better. I fell short on his view of what domestic support should look like, but he did on mine too, a little. He has been very financially supportive - perhaps too much. He says he doesn't mind paying the lion's share but he's irritated by my different attitude toward money. He seems unwilling to accept that we may be different in that area, but in any case my relatively new job (since June) has allowed me to contribute more than ever before as well as getting me out of debt, and I was happy to do it. We have no children, but several cats, whom he professes to love...
So D-Day was last Sunday. I had to go out of town for one last meeting but was gone for only a day, where we all toasted our supportive spouses for helping us get through the long past few months of hard work. When he came to pick me up, he didn't kiss me, hug me or even touch me. He had hugged me when I left the day before, but only after I said "don't I get a hug?" So when we came home, he took a nap, I said I would go to the store but instead relaxed a little. When he woke up he said he wanted to go to the store, and I said "I could go with you!" and he said, "yes, ok, then you could go to the other stores while I go to the bookstore" and I said "or we could go together, since we haven't had time to do things together for so long." His reaction seemed guarded. I said "I feel like you are angry with me." "No, I'm not angry." "Well, it feels like maybe you don't like me any more. No kiss, no hug... " He said, "that's not it..."
So I opened the door for him to walk through: "So do you like someone else?" (pause)
"Yes."
[earth stops turning temporarily]
The next hours were confusing and desperate... I wanted to leave, I cried, I didn't know where to turn. He told me "well it seemed you and I hadn't been 'man and woman' together for a while..." by way of letting me know how badly my inability to respond to him intimately had hurt him. I told him how I had been aware of it, how much I had looked forward to coming home to be able to resolve it, but I felt I was coming home two months too late. He met her (in another state, across the continent) two months ago. He's seen her probably only a few times, two that I know of and perhaps three or four? He says she's never been here (this side of the continent) to visit him. I asked what he wanted from me... I asked whether his decision was already made... (asked that several times) I asked if we were talking about divorce?... I have so few answers...

What he did say in response to my telling him I wanted us to work things out, was that he is not prepared to make that decision yet. He says he knows that making a commitment to work things out with me means giving up the other relationship, and he's not ready to do so. I can't tell if he's prepared to give this up. We have so much else, but I know we could have that too if he were able to try.

This happened just before a very difficult and hard work week for him, so I couldn't get much time or energy out of him to talk about these things. He wept and told me he never wanted to hurt me, that he would have cut off his right arm before hurting me, that he cares about me so much... it was days before he could give an indication that there is still love, but it's hard to tell what he means. I have had good days, when I think winning his heart back is something that is do-able, and really bad days when I can't stop crying for the pain, and I fear having waited too long, put him second while I worked on a pressing matter at work, etc. Friday when he left for work I took him to the train and I told him I had a sudden feeling I knew what was going to happen. I told him "you and I will struggle for a while... then one day, you'll look at me and say.." He said "...I was crazy?" and I said "No, you'll just say 'I just fell in love with you all over again." At moments I believe that. But I don't know if I'll be here long enough to hear it. This kind of anguish... it's killing me.
I feel that I walked right into this. But I know if he were to give me a chance, we could regain the happiness. But he thinks he's in love, I guess.
God help me.