Here is the question - for the past three weeks I have been asking my husband if we were goint to his Christmas Party at work. He says yes one day no the next. I have told him I would really like to go - we don't get out much because of money. This party is completely paid for by his employer. We have gone in the past and had a good time. He says that one of the reasons he does not want to go is because of some of the people that work there. I have responded to him ya but you like so and so and so and so and besides the people you don't care for you don't have to socialize with right? The dead line for rsvp is this week. One of his co-workers is a friend of mine some what we e-mail each other jokes etc. A couple of days ago she e-mailed me a joke and responded asking her if her husband (who also works for the same company) were going to the party - she responed of course we wouldn't miss it. "I was going to ask you if you and hubby wanted to come to our house before the party for a drink we are having a few people in before the party". So when I was talking to my husband on the phone yesterday morning I told him about the e-mail. He said I told you I don't want to go. So I replied ok - I will let so and so know that we will not be going and thanks for the invite anyway. By the way he really does like the other couple we have socialized with them before and enjoy each other company. So I responed 'thanks but hubby does not want to go'. My work Christmas party is on the same night - but mine cost $5.00 per employee and $35.00 for spouces/dates. I have not gone to my Christmas party since we have been together - he refuses to go to that one also - besides most of the time his party is on the same night. So yesterday I paid my $5.00 to attend mine. After I got home from work he called I told him I had responded to so and so e-mail etc.. He said ya but you know I don't want to go I said ya I got it. I then told him I was going to my christmas party instead he said good have a good time. By the time he got home I was still angry about the whole thing feeling like maybe he was ashamed of me etc.. I told him this and then went into another room before I exploided. He then came into the room and said that the secretary had got a hold of him that day and he had told her that we would be going to the party. I told him that I was sick of his game playing and controling methods. If you read my past posts you will realize I have been going through hell and back for the last 7-8 months. He then said that this marriage is never going to work and to sell the house. I told him that I can't keep doing this with him everything will be okay for a few weeks and then all hell brakes out and he is then saying he doesn't want the marriage. Question because I keep doubting myself - DID I DO ANTHING WRONG?

Red,
I don't think you did anything wrong from what you posted. I think your husband does not know what he wants and is going back and forth in his mind. I know you have posted that you have no reason to believe there is an A but if I were you I would definately check on him (secretly) while he's at his company Christmas party.

Another question. Does your husband seem withdrawn just to you or is he the same with everyone? He may be depressed and unintentionally pulling you down to his mood. He also maybe feeling that if he isn't happy nobody is going to be happy.

Are you still going to councelling by yourself? If so maybe you can ask at your next visit what they think is going on with your husband.

-jace

It sounds to me that he does not want to be with you. Go to your party and have a good time. You did nothing wrong. Stop putting yourself through the termoil. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Last night was tough - we did not talk - he is still very obviously angry at me. I chose not to try to discuss what is going on - this was hard for me because I am the type that tries to resolve things. This morning he got up early and again did not say anything - he left without a good bye or a kiss. He always gives me a kiss good bye except when he is angry. Again a form of punishment/control thing. Do I think he will go to his Christmas party by himself - no. If he did he would have to answer questions about where I was. Besides he does nothing by himself without me except work. I have thought very long and hard about an affair - but there are no signs - no unexplained time. His pay cheques reinforce his where abouts etc.. He never goes out by himself with friends etc.. So if he is having an affair it would have to be when he is working - truck driving. Remember in my past posts he calls me all day long - except of course when he is angry with - another form of punishment. I have in the past discussed his ups and downs with the social worker - who says quite frankly that his behavior is that of an acholic - which he is - every day he must have his 3 or 4 beers to go a day without beer is impossible. I know I need to stop feeling guility and I am really trying but the fact is I do love this man. When things are good he can be one of the most loving people I have ever met.

Anymore advise would help.

Red,
Does your H know you think his drinking is a problem? Have you told him that his drinking is effecting your life in a way that you know longer feel comfortable? One of the first steps to recovery is Admitting there is a problem. My mother was married to an alcholic. He was Grumpy when he drank and even worse when he wasn't (They call this behaviour a "dry drunk")

His drinking problem is not yours! What he says and does is the "beer" talking. Not him. It still hurts you though I know. Boy do I know!

You could say "Baby (honey or whatever), I love you so much, I don't want anything to get between us. But something is, and when you drink you are really hurtful to me. I know this isn't really you hurting me, but sometimes I can't tell the difference and it really hurts." Then go on to tell him about his problem in a very gentle way.

Red until he gets help with his addiction there is really no hope for your marriage. And you said I know he's not having an afair, but he is, his affair is not with a person it's with beer! Think about it. You may have to threaten to leave him if he doesn't stop and get help. Of course once you make that threat you have to follow through or you will be enabling him.

I hope things get better for you Red, I really feel for you. It's a big mess when there is an addiction involved.

-Jace

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 11:42 PM: Message edited by: hereforus ]</small>

Thanks for the advise. I am so very desperate this morning I am sitting here crying I feel so very alone. Last night was bad so very bad this morning it is even worse. Last night he admitted that he doesn't know what I do on the internet first thing in the morning - indicating that I might be carrying on with someone. So I told him what I do - that I go on this forum - where I post questions and get advise. I told him that no one knows me or who I am. That I have no one to share with no one to talk to me about what it going on. That I can't share with anyone in my life because I don't want anyone to judge either of us. I offered to show him my past posts and responses - but he wouldn't let me. This morning he said he really doesn't believe I am having an affair, that he just doesn't want to be here anymore. That the marriage hasn't been good since the beginning. He loves me but just doesn't want to be here. So I asked him where he wanted to go - he said it doesn't matter just as long as it's not here. I said that most of the time 80% we are happy with each other and we need to learn how to deal with each other and issues when they come up - that we just needed some help. His answer no. Just sell the house - because if you don't and I leave then you will lose it. My life is in turmoil - everything around me is falling apart. My 28 year old daughter moved back in a few months ago - no after this whole thing started - her relationship of 10 years fell apart and she is adding turmoil because of her emotions right now. She doesn't think she is but she is. I am a Union President where I work and there are some very serious things going on right now at work. I feel like some one has cast a spell on me and no matter what I do where I turn someone is out to get me. I want to run and hide but I can't. I am a strong person but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Do I give him what he says he wants? Do I sell the house? His lost daughter came back into his life about 6 months ago - made comments first time about her mother telling her to go to a lawyer about back support etc.. I don't like this girl (18yrs) don't trust her. I haven't had a whole lot to do with her. He says he sees her every couple of days and talks to her for a few minutes in the morning when she is waiting for her bus. In my mind I wonder is there something going on there has she threatened him - is this his way of trying to protect me? I asked him finally last night - his response at first was she can't touch anything it is all in your name. I told him that was not true because I did see a lawyer and the truth is if she decided to go after him and won the house is a matrimonal home - even if I sold it - the money could also be got. He argued with me about this.
Then all of sudden he said no besides she won't do that. I am so confussed about what is happening here. I told him I needed to know so that I could have some sort of closure. He said that he won't tell me. God help me - pray for me. I want to throw myself off the bridge. Even after last night before we fell asleep he pulled me close to him and held on to me. Mixed feelings. I don't get all of this. HELP ME PLEASE>

Red,
I think you should contact a realator and get started on selling the house. This might be the wake up call he needs! I'm not saying to sell the house I'm saying to take action and not stand in limbo any longer! I get the feeling that he gets his power from making you "squirm and suffer" It's part of the disease.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His lost daughter came back into his life about 6 months ago - made comments first time about her mother telling her to go to a lawyer about back support etc.. I don't like this girl (18yrs) don't trust her. I haven't had a whole lot to do with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Red I would talk to your lawyer again. I don't think this girl can sue, only her mother can. I don't think this girl has a right to anything. I don't know about the laws in your state but in mine they garnish wages for back CS not take over property. And if the mother didn't push childsupport then in my state since she is 18 he has no financial obligation.

What happened in the relationship of this girls mother and your husband? Has he talked to her as well lately?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> God help me - pray for me. I want to throw myself off the bridge. Even after last night before we fell asleep he pulled me close to him and held on to me. Mixed feelings. I don't get all of this. HELP ME PLEASE> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Red I'll pray for you tonite, but you have to pray for you too. Next time you pray; ask God to protect you and to help you get the answers you so desperately need. Then imagine all your troubles and put them in a basket with balloons attached and imagine the balloons bringing your crisis to God's attention. And feel at peace. He will help you find a way if you open your soul to Him.

-Jace

Actually I am in Canada - Ontario to be exact. In Ontario they can take over any property and order it sold. If the property has been sold within a time period they can freeze bank accounts. Court Ordered. As far as the relationship. My Husband and her split up 17 yrs ago at first he saw his baby - when he stopped giving her money every time she phoned and instead started buying groceries she took off with the baby. She has been on welfare/mother allowance since he left her. She has moved all over the place - in Canada and the States. From one man's house to another. I checked his cell phone last night and on Wednesday at 6:33 am there was one received call from his daughters number. Can the court order past child support to the mother - sure - but she would have to repay it to welfare. Can an adult child sue for past support - she would have to present a life of suffering because her father had not provided for her. It would be stickie case according to the lawyer I talked to - has it been done before - yes. Have people lost and won yes - it's one of those things that the judge decides. Wednesday is when his mood changed again it just seems suspicious to me that is when she called. Last night he was trying to be nice again - I really did not try to act grateful or happy - again this morning he is try to act like there is nothing wrong. Your advise about listing the house on the market - I have already thought about this and will probably do just that. I am not going to jump into anything for the next couple of days. He needs to talk to me - tell me what is going on - but that is up to him not me.

Thanks for the prayers.

Red,
You're his wife, he has an obligation to share information with you because what effects his life effects yours too.

I get the feeling, like you do, that something is not right with this girl! Why is she calling so early in the morning? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

-Jace

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: hereforus ]</small>

I suspect to set the tone for the day. Actually I suspect because that is when she can get a hold of him - without having to phone the house - then I would no something was up by the way his reaction might be over the phone - right? That would be my guess. She knows I am smart - always one step ahead of her - I had teenagers to - I learnt how to deal then I have not forgotten - the few times she has been around me - I catch on real quick and have let her know real fast. She apparently has told him she knows I don't like her. As I have said to him numerous times It does not matter if I like her not - for that matter I really don't know her. She is your daughter and regardless of anything that is what she is. Anyways although things seem a bit better - it is the weekend - they are always better on the weekend - maybe - because - she does not phone him then - don't know - just guessing at this point. I tried yesterday to talk to him - he listened but didn't say anything. I feel better because I got a chance to communicate my feelings and to establish that we are a married couple which means that I am here to help him through things only if he wants. But I also stated that I am near the end of my rope and I can't keep on going on like this.
Thanks for listening.

Red,
Sorry I couldn't get to the board today, I mean yesterday (It's 3:00 AM).

Is your situation still looking up since the weekend?

I'll post more tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know I read your post and will comment tomorrow. Think Positive!

-Jace

How are things you ask - well not good - by Thursday most weeks things are always worse than what they were on the weekend. Lets see on Tuesday evening my 28 yr old daughter was in a mood and I was wearing it - then the phone rang and the number showing up was is daughter's. He wasn't home from work yet. By the time he got home he could tell something was up so I filled in him - my daughter found the need to interject some not very nice comments. We found ourselves out in the garage to have a smoke - I tried to tell him that we allow the two daughters to set our tones/fights and that we have to stop allowing this to happen. The reason for his daughter's phone call had to do with birthday on Saturday - she wanted to see him on Thursday for his birthday - so he had made arrangements with her to do that. Dinner was fine on Wednesday night but yet again another fight after. Right now we are down to one car. The main vehicle is out of commission - needs a new transmission - which we can't afford to be done - approx. $3000.00 - we strugle from week to week with money. To try to make this as short as possible - we have had only one vehicle in the past - my vehicle and there were times when he had my car all the time - I never felt anything about it. When I had my car and he needed to be picked up from work it was never an issue. Well when he got his car - older vehicle- all of a sudden he couldn't bring his truck home - new rules at work etc. - don't know if I buy it. Then my vehicle the main vehicle dies. I drive back and forth to work with a co-worker but there were days when I took my own vehicle because of doctor's appointments etc.. Two weeks ago I had to ask him to use his car because my co-workers car had to go in for repairs. I drove him to work at 4 am and picked him up in the evening. Last night I told him I had a very important meeting on Dec.6 with the Union's president and that I would have to use the car - his response was "how in the hell am I suppose to get home". This hurt me very deeply - I responded have I ever left you stranded. I told him how I was feeling about being without a vehicle and that I never ask to use the car because of his attitude etc etc.. Well this morning he is off again about leaving - this time the deadline is April 1st so I better sell the house etc.. He even left a letter on my dresser - the ironic thing here is that I was still thinking about putting the house up for sale. I feel like I am being held as hostige - I am afraid if he leaves - I could lose everything - I certainly can't afford the bills on my own. So I have been weighing everything the last couple of days/week. My daughter feels that financially before my husband I was okay - she is right I was - but up until the last two years - the first 7 he was out of work more than he was in. Thus reason for our fincial picture being so bleak. I feel that he is holding me hostige - he has control over everything right now. I don't like feeling this way - this is not like me. If I sell the house - I will be able to take care of myself - no more feeling like a prisoner. Although I love him - he has changed - and the simple fact is I am growing more and more resentfull towards him. In my heart I no that I need to start thinking about what is best for me. If I put the house up for sale will this cause the marriage to break? He is so much like a child his temperment, his sulking, his moodiness. I am afraid that by putting the house up for sale I might be putting the final nail in the coffin - he needs to grow up. I am at a loss to no what is the right thing to do. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Any advise? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />