I actually would like some advice on how to deal with conflict from my bio mother and "step" father. My husband and I are not sure whether we should allow them to have a part in our life or our new babies life. We do not argue about this decision, we just do not know what to do. We have been married for 1 year and our baby just turned 3 months.

10 years ago I ran away from home after getting kicked out by my stepfather. I was 13 years old. The situation was very emotionally abusive to me, physically abusive to my mother and my handicapped brother. I was so happy after leaving and I always made all A's and continued this. I moved in with a boyfriends family and stayed there for 7 years. I put myself through college on a full scholarship. That boyfriend and I were happily married when I was in 10th grade, our relationship lasted a total of 7 happy years, we had our first big issue and unfortunately I withdrew from the insult - did not know about this website - and divorced him just like that. A big mistake, I lost a good man and a good family.

The only time I saw my mother during the time before my divorce was at my wedding and she made a crying scene. I a fairly certain that my stepfather beat her right after the wedding because she went to the hospital because a "closet pole fell on her" and caused lots of damage. He did not come. We kept minimal contact by email, many times I just filed her emails because they stressed me. My stepfather would never accept my first husband and my mother was always emailing me about how bad things with stepfather were and I told her to get a job, save, & divorce him. I invited her to my graduations, she promised to be there, but never came to any. I was valedictorian & received honors in college but she missed it.

Following that divorce I dated a man that I had known in college, we were both getting our Masters. I broke up with him and weeks later one night after school he raped me. I got pregnant by that and carried the baby (do not believe in abortion). Since I could contact my mother by email, I told her what happened. Two months later her and my stepfather moved across Fl to live on my street in this 7 mile wide town I live in. This scared me because I did not know them anymore and the last memories were bad, I saw them maybe 3 times during this pregnancy but they stressed me out too much.

I met a man while pregnant - though I did not want a relationship, nor did he - and we ended up enjoying each other's company while friends and he wanted a family. We began talking about marriage, etc and I went into labor early and the baby died during delivery. This death really affected us and he moved in with me to take care of me though ultimately this did not work out.

I saw my mother at the funeral of my daughter and she kept trying to tell this man about my life history, I had to ask her politely several times to stop. Every time I turned back to the ceremony she would tap him and keep talking, finally I told her to "shut up" which is not like me at all. At the time I was a teacher for troubled girls and I do not use that word or cuss or even use sarcasm. I asked her not to tell the world about my daughter's death and a few weeks later one of her friends (she is a blues musician) wrote, published, copyrighted, and sang a song about my daughter... the title was her first and middle name and she had a very unique name. I had been writing a poem/song for my daughter and this caused me to just pack up all the stuff on her and stop writing the song and actually get quite depressed looking back on it.

I stopped having or trying to have a relationship with my mother and stepfather after that. My boyfriend and I broke up, he moved out of my home, and we stopped talking. The sadness and gloom over the death of my daughter was too much, plus it caused me to lose my job, my employer would not give me maternity benefits because she died so I used all my vacation & sick time & savings and I became "no fun and serious." And he thought my mother was "crazy" as well as the one sister I have from that mother (I have other normal siblings from my father and his other wife), so he did not want to take the risk to get involved with someone with such family history.

I was sad, alone, jobless, but I picked back up and began life again. We ended up getting back together but I refused to live together this time. We ended up marrying and did not tell my parents since I had not been talking to them. Right after we got married, we got pregnant and my husband freaked out and this were strained. Things came to a head after the first sonogram and we began counseling.

We have had 2 visits with my parents both while I was pregnant. The first was when I was 20 weeks pregnant, we met them in an ice cream shop, shortly after we started counseling. My stepfather made a comment about me looking heavier (I was 5'4 and 100 pounds, underweight & 3 months pregnant at that!). He also made a comment about my "rock" the size of Mt Everest. We were telling them that we were married at that meeting and they got mad and tried doing guilt trips and pouting. My stepfather also made a comment how my husband must be rich when we showed them the home we bought (and my net worth is 3 times my husbands because I am a saver/investor type so this upset me). During that hour together, they managed to get my husband to share the three topics we were fighting over - I did not want a dog, I did not want to buy an alarm system, and I did not want a gun in the house. They sided with my husband for all three topics and we ended up fighting very badly after they left and my husband was throwing the divorce option around. They caused so much turmoil, it was incredible, and I went into preterm labor which stopped by medication & hospitalization.

So I decided that we should not visit with them anymore, though my original plan was to visit with them once a month until the baby came to determine whether they were okay to meet the baby. We went back to email. My mother kept bringing up those three topics though I asked her not to and finally after I spelled out the boundary and she did not listen, I had to fullfill the consequence which was that I would not have contact for a few months.

The 7 months of my pregnancy came and my niece stayed with us. She had not seen them in 4 years because they do not get along with her mother. But her mother wanted me to meet with them and her daughter so she could visit her grandparents. So we met at a resturant because I thought it would be safe. Well my mother kept on calling my niece a nickname that upset her, even several times after she asked her to stop, and kept bringing up things that we uncomfortable. My stepfather found a way to argue a defination with my 12 year old neice (he did that to me when I was little, I hated that and him especially because he was usually inaccurate). Then they wanted her to spend the night which my sister did not want to happen and I stated nicely that we had plans that night (we did) so that would not work out. My mother began telling my niece that if she came with them, she could eat whatever she wanted because my mother got my niece to share that I made her eat dinner before ice cream. And then I said it still could not happen and my stepfather said that they had the right to have her spend the night, that he raised me niece (and he did not in any way), and they threw money on the table for their bill and he dragged my mother out. My niece was left crying and I started my contractions and ended up going into preterm labor and being hospitalized.

My mother emailed me & called me later saying that my stepfather just loves us very much and is hurt by everything. She also wanted me to apologize to make peace and I flat out refused. I told her that my obygyn ordered that we could not contact due to my condition which was the truth and that I thought that they needed to seek counseling and anger management before they could be a part of my life or the baby's life.

I had the baby and I called my mother 2 days after before I left the hospital. She was angry/upset that I did not call her immediately when I had it and I said that I had considered not calling at all since her husband almost caused me to lose this baby completely. She gave me grief about not wanting them to come to the hospital before she even knew if I had a boy or girl. And I told her that before she could see the baby they need to go to counseling and we have to see if we can get along. She argued, guilttripped, then got angry, and then said that she guesses she will have to deal with my boundaries, then made excuses for why she and my stepfather act the way they do. She says she loves me unconditionally and he acts that way because he is hurt and so deeply loves me.

For the last 3 months she has been emailing me about seeing the baby and even offered to babysit. I sent her an email responding to her first email stating that we would need counseling, he would need anger management, and we would have to try to create a working relationship before they could see the baby in person. She emailed these requests nicely, with guilt, in anger, about every 10 days and I just filled them because I did not want to argue and did not know what to say. Everytime I write her, I just end up deleting what I write.

Recently she emailed me again about babysitting and I sent her an email back stating that since I am breastfeeding no one can babysit plus they have not even seen the baby yet. So she sent me this "Also I am very saddened that you think we shouldn't baby sit. But I guess
your entitled to your feelings. "

She started sending an email every few days asking to see the baby. So I sent her an email stating that we needed to do counseling first, the stepfather would need anger management (and to please stop refering to him as my "Dad" I call him by his first name), and we need to see if we can have a healthy relationship first. She sent me an email wanting to see the baby to give her a dress for Christmas that her friend bought her (I don't understand this and do not know the friend). I wrote back that I did not think we would have these things done by Christmas but I would go to counseling with her. She wanted to know if she went to counseling, could they both see the baby. I said no, he had to get his help to see the baby.

So she wrote me an email with this stuff
all in the same email, "We won't bother you or your family."
".But I will stop trying because it seems no
matter what I agree to you really don't want me in your life." "But you seem to have all the answers."
"If you really want to try I will be waiting. We may not fix everything but
we could certainly try one small moment at a time."

The last two sentences seem okay but the other comments that came before trouble me. I am scared that they will cause problems in my marriage and that if my baby gets to know them that I may have to take them away one day when she is older. Part of my concern with my daughter having a relationship is the things that they say, they sarcasm, the insults, the arguing, the negativity, and the problems they share with children (I feel it takes away the child's youth & innocence).

I seldom read her emails but I did today and this causes me so much grief. I feel bad for not allowing them to see their grandchild but I am scared that they will harm my marriage and her development (that she could be negative/angry/get involved with someone abusive one day, etc). I am not a mean person, I tend to be a people pleaser and I get stepped on sometimes if I am not careful. I forgive too easily and sometimes my husband says that I am too sensitive (I will cry if he cusses at me, I hate arguing, I hate when he talks about divorce if he is mad... it makes me sad, so I do cry but growing up I never cried, I used to be very tough until the rape & pregnancy).

I am sorry that this is so long. I thought the background information would help put the pieces together. I feel like I am doing the best thing for my marraige and daughter by not involving my bio mom and stepfather in our life but her letters make me sad because the situation is sad and angry because she wants us to be around a mean, abusive man that she makes excuses for. However, I feel like I am an awful person & mean and my mother always emails that she loves me unconditionally and wishes I would understand. I mentioned some of the abuse we dealt with in an email to her today and she said that she was not aware that she caused me any pain growing up and was sorry, but how could she be unaware? That scares me, she does not realize the pain she caused then so how will she be able to avoid causing pain now for my new family & baby.

Please someone help me to sort this out. Thanks.