I'll try and make this short. husband and i of 7 yrs. with 2 kids ages 5 and 3 have emotionally disconnected over the years. found out 1 yr ago he was having an emotional affair with co-worker. he showed deep remorse and has been to counseling ever since. we both admitted what we've contributed to this happening and agreed to reconcile. i just find myself 1yr. later going backwards instead of forwards. he has a hard time being open, affectionate and himself around me because he says unresolved issues as to why this happened in the first place are holding him back and that's why he is in counseling. i'm just having a hard time letting go of what happened.. i've read everything on marrriage builders and even tried everything but i keep bringing up what happened, i'm constantly snooping which he says is causeing more resentment on his part because he feels he's been honest and i keep throwing in his face so to speak the mistakes he has done... i don't mean to, i guess it's a way of protecting myself. i'm trying very hard to move on and rebuild a happy marriage again but this has left me feeling so insecure. please if anyone has any suggestions of what i need to do to put this past us and get these bad thoughts out of my head so i can allow him to open up again instead of being on the defense please let me know. i feel i'm holding us back and pushing him further away... was never prepared to deal with this and i just don't know what to do but i'm obviously not doing this right... i love him, want to trust him, want us to be happy and want to fulfill the needs i neglected to give him.. just can't break down that wall i have up to do so... thank you.

Jolu,
I'm new here, too. Your story sounds similar to mine. I have also come here looking for ideas and ways to help me move forward and stop letting the past haunt me. There, I cannot offer suggestions, but I do understand. Know you are not alone.

You mention that you H is in counseling. How about you? You didn't imply that but I bet it would be a great outlet for you, and perhaps offer guidance to resolution. How about MC? My H wouldn't commit to going and then refused to contine anyway. I think it's a good sign that your H is still going.

Trust is so very hard to rebuild. My snooping has drastically decreased, thankfully. His lies fed my belief that snooping was justified but really, I ended up feeling badly about myself b/c my behavior was going against my virtues and integrity. Think about that. You are already feeling down, and feeling badly about yourself does not help. My H has been trying to earn the trust back, and I am trying hard to be open to let him. Things do seem better, but I am struggling with reminders...so many things provoke painful memories. That is what my hurdle is right now. It's difficult to keep it to myself, and not project my frustration and feelings onto him.

I'm trying. I keep trying. I have not read everything offered on MB yet, but I printed out a whole bunch of it, and have told my H that I would like us to peruse all the information and do what we can to keep this marriage together. He is all for the latter, though he lacked much enthusiasm for the former. He did agree though. I will credit him there. We're both trying to give and understand and support each other. I remind myself of that positive thought when I am feeling overwhelmed by the past and feeling low.

It is a destructive cyclical quandry being fully aware that some behaviors are pushing away any progress but feeling too weak and helpless to control it because you are so full of grief and anger at times. I do understand. Try to keep positive thoughts. SGE

Dear SGE,

thanks so much for your reply..I have read everything under the sun and I do know what things i should be doing.. i'm just finding it overwhelmingly hard. I think partly i feel if I don't snoop and keep track of what he's doing i subconsiosly feel i'm setting myself up to get hurt again. I also feel subconsiosly that i feel i have the upper hand so to speak when i act that way and also feel that if I don't snoop, etc. he's going to think he got away with it.. i know it's all wrong and i know my behavior is just making things worse that is why i'm struggling to change. i did see a counselor for a while but stopped because it was fustrating for me to hear things he should be doing etc. and he wasn't so it was just making me feel worse.. We will start soon to go together.. he's working alone now with his C because he said over the years he built resentment and animosity towards me because of our lack of communication causing us to drift apart. so he wants to work through that so he and i don't make the same mistakes again. So he's definately trying and does want this to work and wants things to get fixed the right way. I guess alot of my emotional needs are not being met and that doesn't help.. his counselor said it will take time for him to meet my needs. he has a lot of issues to break through. thanks for listening.. it really helps... How long have you been going through this? I guess what makes it harder for me now is this time of year because i found out the day before new years last year and the holidays this time last year we awful.. so i guess i'm having alot of triggers because so many bad memories are starting to pop up... I guess the good thing is i know what i need to do it's just being able to do it.... thanks again...

SGE,

I just read your very first post.... I was so taken back because everything you wrote was me... Hopefully we can both help eachother because it seems like we are in the exact same shoes... My gut was telling me for 1yr. something wasn't right and my prying proved my worst nightmare.. but he claims just friends. swears nothing physical.. i too have alot of unanswered questions and i too have this gut feeling i don't know everything.. sometimes i feel i don't want to know more... hang in there.. i'm sure we will find a happy solution to all this someday.