My wife and I have been married for 11 years. During that time we have had a difficult relationship, partly due to the fact that we come from two different cultures. I tried to adapt by moving to her country and we lived there for almost 10 years.

We have now moved back to the US (for job reasons) and she is very unhappy and unfulfilled. We have been very critical of each other (almost from day one) and that has gotten worse in the last two years.

We are almost always arguing about everything and I am contanstly facing the "you should be like this....or that...." "You are funny because you say this and that, but...."

I know that I have tuned her out because 90% of our conversation is critical. To be quite frank I am tired of hearing about how bad I am.

I know that this has affected my attitude toward her and we we keep growing more distant.

Have you both tried in communicating on how you both feel? Was this like this from day 1 or did it happen over time?? It seems like you both resent eachother and unless you both face your issues you will both be resenting eachother more and more.. How different are your backrounds? Do you have children?

Boy, can I relate! And my XWW and I came from the same culture!

I too faced the same "I should be X different" than I am. It's terribly invalidating, and tiring. It made it impossible to share how I felt, since my W not interested in how I felt or thought, only in why I wasn't thinking or feeling the way she thought I should be.

After a while, I stopped sharing anything. I couldn't take being constantly "corrected" and "educated" as to how my current thought process or emotions were wrong, and how I ought to be feeling or thinking.

I noticed that communication problems are a big issue here, yet I think you hit on something very revealing. "You should (think, feel, do) like this..." How many women who say their H's don't communicate are practicing the same invalidation with their Hs? They say that they want their H to be more emotionally open, but I suspect they really mean they want their H to "get it" and emote the way the wives think that they ought to.

This isn't to bash women, but there is a saying. "Men marry women hoping they don't change. Women marry men hoping they will." Seriously, I think this is actually symptomatic of this. In fact, I know this is a common complaint of husbands, and their wives find no hesitency in correcting their H in this manner.

Who wouldn't shut down if they were constantly berated for how wrong they are?

Also, we generally hold that women are better communicators than men. I certainly think so. I think they're much more attuned to the subtlties of communication. They read nonverbal cues much more than men, and consequently, they obtain more information from a communique than do men. Mind you, men are not blind. We see the same cues and hear the same intonations, but just don't weigh them as much in the overall message. I don't think that we intentionally use these means to convey as much either.

We inherently play our cards close to our chests, so to speak, and expect that others are doing the same.

But, if that is true - women are better communicators than men - what is gained by expecting men to get better? Is that not like expecting a pig to fly, or a dog to ride a bicycle? Perhaps it's more effective to realize that men are inferior communicators, and thus the onus is on women to "come down" to the man's level rather than expect the man to "come up" to the woman's. In this situation,

To get back to you 3939 (Hey! That's more than I make a month!), I think that culture is not as big an issue as gender. It's a pity your wife is less accepting of your position, and I truly understand how invalidating that must make you feel. Sadly, I think that unless she sees that, she is going to continue to "know you better than you know yourself."

Thanks for the great responses. To answer some questions here is the information.

From a cultural standpoint are backgrounds are different. My wife is from a Latin American country and I am from the US. From that standpoint she shares an uncommonly strong bond with her family (particularly her mother.)

We have two great kids and they really have the best of both worlds.

When I went home last night and told my wife how I felt that being corrected all the time is difficult to accept, her response was you just don't understand me, you are complicated and that you changed. She also indicated that it is not about talking any more but simply about changing.

My main issue is that there is not a day that goes by that she hasn't said that there is something about that has to change. Either I have to be more attentive or that I have to be more patient or that I have to be this or that.

I really find the entire situation frustating due to the fact that I am constantly on the defensive now that she continually argues how wonderful she is and how bad I am. I can not get word nor can I hold a conversation with her without getting completely frustrated.

I heard almost the exact same words from my H as you heard from your wife... There obviously is more to her feelings than she is letting on.. Are you sure there is no one else in the picture? Also it's not uncommon for her to have a close bond with her mom, i do, but my mom knows where to draw the line.. Does her mom get involved too much? I think you really need to sit down AGAIN and ask her specifically what it is she wants from you to change.. If she doesn't give you answers you'll just be driving yourself crazy trying to please her. My H response would always be i add too much stress to his life...ugh!!! meaning i didn't give him 5 min. to unwind when he got home before the kids attacked daddy at the door whom they missed so much or i didn't take the garbage out yet, etc. all things that were so incomprehendable to me after i was home cleaning house, doing laundry, had dinner on table every night, running the kids around etc... anyway after me running around trying to PLEASE him, started to get suspicious and found someone else... Not that i want to scare you or even think that's what it is but keep your guard up so you are not played a fool... From a womans point of you, there must be more to it because what woman wouldn't want their husbands coming to them expressing they want to help their marriage.. i for one would have been extremely happy with that knowing my h cared enough to talk... Just be there for your kids right now and try not to expose them to any of your fighting etc. hang in there...

Thank you for the response. In this case her mother does get very involved because she talks to her mother daily...min of 2 hours. Every conversation starts with my mother said this today and my mother did that today, my mother use to tell us....

I understand the pressures of life and extra work that it takes to live and adapt in another country and a different environment away from her family. I can also understand her desire to go back.

I can not understand that her mother appears to be more important than her relationship with me and the kids. She is always saying how much she can understand the difficulties that her brothers and sisters go through with their spouses as her family is so close, but can never understand that it is difficult to live up to perfect expectations.

I know that there are things that I can change, but I can be expected to nor would I expected anyone to change so radically to meet my image.

Quite frankly I am just tired of being nagged at to change the way I act the way I behave, nothing is ever right, nothing is ever correct.

Well i feel exactly the way you do so not sure how much help i can be at this point. i guess just be the best person you can and if she doesn't accept it you can move on. Do you mind if i ask which part of the US you moved to? Did she make any friends etc. Maybe if she gets involved in something she would adapt more easily.. Good luck

We moved into the SE of the US. In this case, I have made several suggestions including working, going back to school, etc... However, every time I make a suggestion she indicates that I am rushing her into a decision and that if she was back in her own country she would have been doing something by now. (By the way the entire time that we lived there she did not do anything outside the house. It was understandable as the kids were little.)

The things that she did do outside the home included visting with her friends and family, taking the kids to school and to other events.

Basically I am willing to move back to her country, but my fear is that this is not going to solve anything.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what's going on with her before you decide to move back to her country... where are the kids happier living? Have you sat and discussed things with her lately?

Jolu,

In this case, we have not really sat down and talked about moving back. It has simply been "I am moving back no matter what by November 05 no matter what."

As far as the kids are concerned it appears that they enjoy both places. The main advantage that they felt in my Ws country was the availability of family (cousins) that provided additional support.

I am not opposed to moving back, but my fear is that I have always had the feeling that I have committed more to the relationship than she did. In addition, when I was living there she would feel guilty if I was not happy (Her expectations were that I should be happy 24/7) This simply created additional tension.

Do you have any additional advise?

the only other advice i would suggest is you both see a marriage counselor first and make sure you are on the same page as far as your marriage.. i think just simply moving will satisfy her but not you... you deserve to be happy too... i think if you don't resolve your issues now you will end up in the same boat i'm in and boy it is heartbreaking.. i hate to see that happen to you... hang in there.... if you need to vent i'm here.. i gets me away from my problems....

Thank you for being there and responding. It is really nice to be able to vent and to make sure that I am not off base. Sometimes when you are so deeply involved in a problem you can't see the forest through the trees.

Thanks again.

By the way I had suggested that we seek help and she has refused to do it at this point.

Hi, my boyfriend is from US and I from Latinamerica. He has spend some time in my city and is planing to spend some months starting next January.
I fall in love with him, between other things, for his ability to express his feelings and desires, likes and dislikes in a calm, respectful way. I, on the other hand, can be to straight foward in the way I express my emotions.

I can be very critical of him and the way he does things.

My problem is that I have some "manias", obssesions with cleaness and he is someone who is use to be alone and doesn't care about some things that are important to me. Don't get me wrong, he is clean, I'm obssesive about it.

Well, he spent one week here and I realized how stressful it can be for him to try to please me or to not upset me. I see clearly that I make him feel out of place with my comments and that those comments trigger old sensations in him.

Reading your post I wonder if this critical attitude is a cultural aspect or a defensive tool. A defensive tool in the sense that I restrain from "loving" him as he is because of my critisism.

What I have found very helpful is his attitude towards me when I critisize something about him.

He lets me know when I'm expressing my self in a way that I hurt him. He ponders the weight of my need. I mean, he tries to know how important it is for me.

If he finds it is something that doesn't affect him, he changes. If he doesn't agree with me he tells me so and he tells me why.

He comunicates his needs best than I. Instead of critics he tells me a lot of nice words when he likes something and he tries to analyze things when he disagrees with the way I do something.

I love him very much and I want him to me happy with me as I'm with him. I want to learn to accept him as he is. I don't know how to do it but your posts opened even more my eyes about how seriously wrong critisism can be.

I can sense that the more happy I'm with myself the less critic I'm. Maybe she is not satisfied with what she has done so far but she doesn't know what she is lacking?

On a last note. I also find it difficult when he is sad or blue. I'm trying to learn to respect that and understand that he doesn't love me less when he is not in a cheerful mood. Could it also be a cultural thing... maybe we are more insecure.

If she doesn't want to go to MC maybe you could start dealing with one thing at a time. Choose a specific time to talk about just one aspect and decide when and how it could be solve.

Sorry for the long post and the grammar and spelling errors. Could you be more specific about the kind of critisism your wife expresses?