Hi,
I've been married for almost 7 years, few weeks ago my husband confess me that he doesn't love me anymore. It seems like he has been fighting with that feeling for almost a year now and this "boom" just finally exploted. I'm trying to save my marriage, I've been looking for help but it seems like he doesn't want to start all over again and make this marriage works. Is this really like that?, people just forget about it?, whitout talking about it?... after so much love people just forget?... I want to understand this... Am I right if I still want to save this marriage?, should I give up?
Thanks for your help.

Hi,

Have you asked him exactly why he feels that way and what's bothering him?? Is there anyone else? What kind of problems have you been having? no don't give up you are very smart in trying to save this.. You need to get him to open up to you and tell you why he feels this way and what needs you were not fulfilling. will he go to therapy?

Hi jolu, thanks for your time...
Yes, I asked him why he's feeling that way, he seems to be tired... he said there is nobody else, that's why I keep fighting against a separation or divorce, I truly believe we need a chance, we have 2 kids (2 1/2 years and 5 months old). It's obvious that our main problem is communication because he kept a lot of things inside his mind and never told me, eventhough I always ask: "what happens?, what is wrong?, are you OK?, etc.
I don't want to force him to stay, I just want to open his eyes a little bit and see if we can give us a chance.
But in the other hand, I also feel confused... it's very hard to hear from the man I love things like he isn't in love with me anymore or he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he feels affection but not really love like he used to, he doesn't want to hurt me and he thinks that I won't be happy with him. I just want to do the right thing... they (men) tell that without really thinking about it?, or they just tell that when they're helpless?
He's OK with finding professional help, I'm going to be patient and wait to see what happens.
Once again, THANKS!

He left...
What's next?... I don't know... he needs time to be alone... it's that ok?, does that really work?
Any comments or advise will be appreciated.
Thanks in advance

penny:

I think it may be due to the fact that you're now a mom. Your kids come first, and he doesn't. And, we're not talking that he comes in second. He may feel that the kids come First, Second, Third, ...One Hundredth. He isn't even a blip on your radar.

Being a parent is a balancing act. You take on new responsibilities, but that doesn't mean the old priorities are no longer valid. They just have to be balanced. You may feel that being a mom means you can no longer be a wife - sexy, fun, adventurous. Now, you're too tired for that. There's too many other things to do. Perhaps he tries to get frisky, but you snap at him, brush him off, or tell him you're too tired. Later, only later never really comes. Instead of enjoying it, you're only half there. The other half is listening for kids, or feeling fatigued, or self conscious about your body and how it's changed after 2 kids so close together.

I bet, too it irritates you sometimes that he hasn't made the move to "dad mode" to the same degree that you have to "mom mode". How can he want to kick back and fool around when there's kids to be raised? Can't he just see that things are different now?

If I'm hitting the ball, then I think you might need to address this with him. Balance! Yes, it is tiring to be a parent, and it means big changes to the both of you. But, you didn't stop being married lovers when you had kids. You only had to scale it back a bit.

This is a big complaint amongst husbands. I went through it and so did my friends. Our "old" wives seemed to have vanished, replaced by some harried, stressed, short tempered harridan who freaked when you so much as put your hand on her arm. And, I know that many women say, "well if he just helped out more!" Some of us have tried that, too, only we found that our "help" was never quite right. We always seemed to screw up even the simplest of parenting duties. I remember my wife on more than one occasion snapping at me, "Here! You're doing it (whatever it was: feeding,changing, playing) all wrong! I might as well do it!"

Your H chose D. I suspect what he really wants is a change. He wants some of his old wife back, but since that is not likely, he's opting for the out.

Don't despair too much. I bet he still loves you and the kids to death, he just didn't think his life with you as man and wife would have come to an end with no forewarning, or even a send away party.

If you talk to him, offer to change. I'll bet he'll be more than willing to compromise, if you give him something reasonable and ask for something reasonable in return.

Penny

I noticed you didn't reply after uphill's comments. He may have been right on the money, but he also seems that he might be reading more into what you are saying based on his past experiences. Even if that is the case, his advice to try something different, to offer other solutions, to show a desire to change things, is excellent advice in any case.

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten." Having said that, it sounds like uphill is one of those guys that is at least willing to talk about things, where as your H isn't showing even much of a pulse according to your account. He has to be willing to at least try and communicate even if it isn't pretty in the beginning. Even thing good starts with effort.

Thanks for your replies, both of you...
I found a counselor, and we're going to give it a try and see if she can help us... he's living somewhere else and I really hope that this separation can help him to find what he really wants, because for me the situation is getting worse... I'm feeling very sad and I'm afraid that I'll never forget all the things he said to me.
I don't want to waste our time if he's in love with another person... so, I'll wait and see how the therapy goes.
Once again, thank you guys... any thoughts or advise are always appreciated.

I am going through the same thing as you Penny! It sucks right now doesn't it. We have just started counselling last week. He moved out just over a week ago. I am determined to make some changes in myself for the better with or without him. Mine also doesn't communicate with me. He also said recently that for the past year he doesn't feel the same. He wants passion, romance and openness in his life but he doesn't know if that is possible with me. I want those things to. Best of luck to you. Hang in there!