My husband was raised by a domineering and manipulative mother that openly favored his younger brother over him. And a father that openly lied to his wife whenever it suited him and put his siblings before his wife their entire 50 years of marriage. This resulted in my MIL growing into a very bitter woman who "stuck their marriage out" because that is just what you do.

My husband openly admits that he has never (and will never) trust anyone. It is obvious his dysfunctional family is the foundation for this total lack of trust.

He has allowed his family to lie and gossip about me and openly hurt me. His mother's goal was to alienate me, (as she has done the other DIL) so that she can have her two sons to herself. My husband's younger brother undermines our marriage relationship to make his mother happy. My BIL tells my husband that his mother should come first.

After 12 years of tolerating this, I finally said enough. That was 2 years ago and my husband still defends his mother and brother. My husband craves their attention and approval despite the numerous examples I have shown him of how they could care less about his emotional well being and marital relationship. They have pulled every stunt in the book these past 2 years to destroy our marriage. And have ignored even the smallest boundary that my husband finally set. Now they have resorted to lying about us both. And yet, my husband still craves their attention. He is resenting me because I won't take it anymore.

We have two children that deserve better than this for a family life.

I have been a loyal and faithful wife. He travels a lot and he has never had to worry one second about his home, children, fidelity or finances while away. I detest lying and have always been honest with him.

I realize now that putting up with all this trash in the first place was my biggest mistake.

But since I did, am I doomed to a lifetime to resentment from him for not allowing it any longer?

Thank you for your time and service.

You are not expecting too much. Your husband should put you before his mother and brother. That's what marriage vows are about.

I had a similar situation happen to me. When my daughter was born, the hospital nurse told my mother that she couldn't hold my newborn daughter because she was still in street clothes. My mother incorrectly vented at my wife. I went to the hospital and got a signed letter from the nurse that explained it was HOSPITAL procedure and not the doing of my wife. I delivered that letter to my mother in person and told my parents that I supported my wife. This happenned a long time ago, but I made a clear stand with my wife.

If you are a religious person, the Bible states that when a man and woman marry, they put each other before anything else (including their individual families) expect God himself. Later, my mother told me that she had a lot of respect for me because I stood by my wife.

Since your husband comes from a dsyfunctional family, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I don't mean to make you even more upset, but I agree with your opinion.

Thank you for the response. It is ironic that you should bring up a "hospital experience" in your example.

The very first time I realized just how much trouble I was in (where my husband's lack of backbone was concerned) was over my hospital experience when our son was born.

My MIL ran the OBGYN clinic I used and she changed the assisting surgeon for my C Section without my permission. I had no clue this other (older and had not practiced in years) would be assisting until he walked into the operating room. This older doctor was not qualified to deliver any longer (only do gyn exams) but he had delivered my husband and my MIL wanted him to deliver my son. This was a planned C Section, but there wasn't time to get the doctor that was suppose to be there. The primary physician was shocked that I had no idea MIL had ordered the other surgeon to assist him. He thought I had requested it.

Then there were severe complications. My son ended up in Pediatric ICU for days and my MIL convinced my husband that I did not need to know that information. I was sitting there waiting for the nursery to bring him to me thinking everything was OK and the whole time they did not know if he would survive the night.

Fortunately, he did survive. And my husband never said a word. He never thought MIL did anything wrong.

That was just the beginning of 12 years of manipulative, vile behavior on her part that my husband flatly refused to acknowledge...much less correct.

inhymn,

I am in the same boat. 15 years of putting up with her family doing everything they could to come between us.

We split in August, and I started standing up to her dad as far as our kids were concerned. There is a history of sexual and emotional abuse. My wife is 32 and still has a hard time standing up to them even when she knows they are wrong. It took her losing the kids to me, and having severe restrictions on her seeing them in order for her to stand up to them. And that didnt happen over night. I got custody on Sept 1st and she moved back out of her parents the night before Thanksgiving.

She has now gone NC with her family.

John:

While I am sorry to hear about your struggles, it is encouraging to hear you may be making some progress.

Sadly, separating is not an option for me. (Don't get me wrong, I can take care of myself in this old world and am finanically independent)

My youngest child is 13 and a special needs child. He is totally dependent on his Dad emotionally. He is physically dependent on me. There is simply nothing that would make me put my son through a separation and my husband knows that.

I would gladly go to any kind of counseling, but my husband doesn't care what other people think. He doesn't believe that professional counselors know any more than he does.

Right now, I am just starting the process of trying to find a solution. I have finally looked at the whole picture realistically (instead of looking at it the way I would like it to be) and it isn't very bright.

inhymn,

No one is doomed to a life of resentment, as that is a personal choice that no one can take from you. It sounds like your husband has at least attempted some boundaries, though they are weak at best. You obviously feel tied to the relationship for the sake of your 13 year-old.
A couple of questions...
- If your child is that emotionally dependent on your husband, is he equally dependent on your child?
- How often does he travel?
- how long is he gone?

solutioneer

Solution:

Yes, my husband did set one boundary one time about a year ago, but did not back it up. His mother crossed it in one week and he said nothing. And then got angry at me, because "I made him set that one boundary" to begin with.

My husband is a wonderful father. He loves his son and they do everything together, when he is home.

From an outsider's viewpoint, he is a great guy. He doesn't cheat on me. He is respected in his job (which he has been at for 25 years). He is financially responsible. He spends all his free time with his son. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't drink irresponsibily. I seem to be the only "problem" he has.

But he flatly refuses to protect me in any way from his family. He has admitted his mother is a liar. He has admitted she will lie to make trouble. And yet, she calls him on the phone with some of the most outrageous lies about me and he not only doesn't correct her...he believes her until I can prove it false.

It is truly a case of him craving the attention of his mother and his brother, no matter what they do. His mother and brother's lives are consumed with gossip. They literally live for it. And if there isn't any gossip to talk about, they make it up. It doesn't matter if it is false. And, of course, since I am the wicked witch of the west that put my foot down 2 years ago - I am now the main topic of discussion.
( Especially when the last time he talked to the MIL, all he could do was tell her how much he missed her. )

2 years ago was the straw that broke the camel's back. My MIL knows that she and I don't have the same taste. She also knows I like my home kept a certain way. (I certainly don't like people going through my things) At this point, this woman has known me for 12 years. MIL decided to come into our home (while we were out of town for a few days) and "redecorate". She removed furniture, moved other furniture to different rooms, took pictures off the wall, hung other pictures on the walls, went into my closets, cabinets etc. This is a woman who hires someone else to decorate her own home and clean it. Yet, she saw fit (completely without our knowledge or approval) to do this. That was it. Of course, my husband was shocked...but said nothing. Not a word. But that was the point that I decided I would not live like this any longer.

As with most situations like this, the events between the hospital incident and house incident (12 years) could fill a book. And while my husband will acknowledge it is wrong for her to do that...he says..."well, that is just the way she is".

As for the traveling, it varies. Sometimes he is gone 1/2 the year (only home on weekends) and sometimes it is only 1/3rd of the year.

As for the life of resentment, I am 50 years old and old enough to realize it could be so much worse. I am so blessed in so very many ways.

It just hurts to see what "could be" and realize that it probably won't ever be.

InHymn:

Your story parallels mine in an almost frightening manner. Like your husband, mine can't seem to cut the umbilical cord and craves his mother's approval to the point where he allowed her to verbally abuse me and my son. He never stood up to her, he never set boundaries and the one time she did it in front of him, he just sat there. I was the one who had to look at her and tell her what she said and did were inappropriate. Her response? "whatever. your skin is too thin." And still he sat there.

The BIL has meddled in our marriage since day one. He refused to speak to me at our wedding, as did the MIL. The MIL refused to smile in any of the pictures. My husband never said anything to them about this and a year ago in August, when the BIL sent him an email saying that he wanted to discuss our marriage (like it was any of HIS business?) my husband went and discussed it wiht him. He allowed his brother to denigrate me and my son for 5 hours. He allowed his brother to drive the wedge between us that finally broke us. If my husband had emotionally been 35 instead of 15, we'd still be together, because he'd probably have understood about boundaries. As it is, he has no clue.

InHymn, your in-laws will never change. Even if your husband DID try to stand up and draw consistent boundaries, it sounds like he's too weak to enforce them and the crab theory would take over. What's that? Well, if you've ever seen crabs in a crab pot - when one of the tries to climb out of the pot and bolt for freedom, all the others, instead of letting him go, reach up and grab him and pull him back down. That's what your in-laws will attempt to do to your husband and he doesn't sound strong enough to hold them at bay.

I don't know what advice I can give you. I can certainly say I admire your fortitude and your dedication to your children. After 5 years of abuse from my in-laws, I put my foot down and refused to visit them anymore. This past August, my husband, under much pressure from his mother and brother, and being torn in two between us (because he is lacking cojones) blindsided me one day, came home from work told me he was leaving and walked back out the door. That was 4 months ago and I still feel the pain of it.

Add to that the fact that I was sexually assaulted in November and my husband, who says he loves me and will always love me, also says he's not supposed to help me through this situation because he left me. Translation: Mommy would be upset if she knew and because she would be upset, I won't do it."

And when I raged at him and said just that to him (can you spell love buster?) he denied it and claimed that since he was no longer living with me he wasn't obligated to help me with this and besides he had to work on finding himself.

Whatever. I'm stronger than he is on any day. Still - it would be nice to have someone there at night when the nightmares begin.

Good luck with your in-laws. I hope you can work something out that works for you and leaves you without resentment. Maybe "niceing" them to death?
Usk

Uska: It is so sad to hear of so many in our situation. I was raised by parents that pushed this bird out of the nest when it was time to fly.
I knew they were always there if I needed them. But they knew they had raised me to only need them in healthy ways. They would never harm my marriage.

All of this dependence on parents is just so foreign to me.

Yes, for 12 years I tried to "nice" them to death. I even took care of my MIL's mother (hubby's grandmother) when she went through 2 1/2 months of radiation treatments for cancer. They were not going to be able to save her life, but these treatments made her last year more bearable by removing an obstruction in her throat.

Anyway, she came to live with us and I took her to treatments every day for 2 1/2 months, plus doctor visits weekly for tests and another doctor daily to treat a wound on her leg that my MIL had let get severe. I did all this because my MIL had planned a trip to Europe for a month and did not want the trip to be postponed. MIL knew her mother was dying. MIL knew these treatments were necessary. MIL simply did not want to be bothered with the daily hassle. MIL lived 2 seconds from the treatment center in her home town....where my drive was 30 minutes one way every day just for the treatments. FIL was retired with nothing to do...while I had two children in elementary school that I had to juggle for 2 1/2 months. Would I do it again??? Of course! This was my husband's grandmother.

I never expected my MIL to acknowledge this example of my dedication to her son...but I did expect my husband to. Sadly, he did not.

My prayer is that you awake each new day with a renewed strength to overcome and heal.
Thanks for the insight.