Hey

I have been reading the materials on this website for several days now and find it to be very helpful. I agree with the good Dr that most therapy focuses on techniques that ultimately divide a couple rather than bring them together. Something I am researching and have not seen to any great degree is information on something I consider a "love buster", and that is withdrawing of afffection, ignoring, silient treatments, distancing, etc. am I just not looking in the right place? I really want to understand my companion better and I truly seek to meet her needs. However I have them as well, and cannot seem to illustrate to her the attacks and pain I feel from her as they seem more covert and possible passive agreesive in nature. It seems like most anyone recognizes the raising of ones voice, the slamming of a door and other overt attacks to be damaging to a relationship, but what about what at least feels to me as attacks, but are simply indirect? Sorry for the ramble and run on sentences.

Solutioneer:

I am also new to this site, so I am still discovering different segments of information it offers. To date, I have not found the information on this site about your subject. However, in my search to help my own situation, I did hear an opinion from a "tv advisor" who said that the deliberate silence and ignoring you described was just as abusive as someone hitting you. I will look to see if I still have the exact quote.

I related to this because this is the technique my husband has used all our married life. In my opinion it shouts a clear message that the person being ignored is not worthy of a response. It shouts that the person's ( being ignored ) feelings and complaints are not valid and have no value. Therefore the person being ignored has no value to the other party.

Inhymn

Thanks for the reply. I am really interested in the quote and other information you might be able to come across. I too beleive that this kind of response is equal to be yelled at and I am certain I have heard such statements as well. If I come across anything I will let you know.

Solutioneer:

I was watching Dr. Phil one day and I grabbed a pen to write down what he had just said about people who give "the silent treatment". I found what I had written down, but please know that this may not be an "exact" quote as I was trying to write it down as he was saying it. I looked for the exact quote on his website, but could not find it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote down that day.

" Withholding emotions is one of the most evil and abusive things you can do. It is mean, vicious and aggressive."

He went on to say that when silence is used as a weapon, it is one of the most hurtful things you can do. Silence dismisses the complete feelings of the other person. It is as though they do not exist. There is little that is more disrespectful than that. He made the comparison that silence as a weapon is just as vile as someone hitting you or screaming and cursing.

Personally, I had never thought of silence as being an act of agression until he pointed that out. It is the perfect weapon. It is easy for someone to complain about being verbally or physically abused...but how do you complain about someone NOT saying anything?

Only those who have suffered through this kind of treatment would understand.

If you read The Verbally Abusive relationship, it agrees that the silent treatment or withholding love is abusive.

My husband does both. When he is not interested in what I am saying he sometimes says, "next topic" or "I am done with that topic" or he just ignores me. If we have a conflict, he will not resolve it, he just walks away, outside, takes a showers, takes a nap, whatever. I wish that I would not have married him at the moment.

I do not get any emotional closure for issues so I do not feel like anything is solved. He gets mad sometimes when I bring something up because he thinks he solved it when he either yelled at me or just ignored me, I never know where he stands on things, just what he does not agree with after I stumble there.

I have read some suggestions on dealing with some of this in The Verbally Abusive relationship & Boundaries. One bit of advice was to stop conversing with him if he refuses to look at me and just watches the tv, but since I am a stay at home mother (and I saved the money to do this before I knew my husband existed) it means that I get very little adult conversation. My husband cannot be left with our daughter, 3 months old, for more than 10 minutes because if she cries he either tells her to shut up, ignores her, or has made an attempt to muffle her cries with a Teddy Bear and I refused to have my innocent baby treated that way.

And lately he has said he wants more children, a son... this makes me want to leave him. I dreamed of 4 children but now I dream of staying home with this one and adopting one day after I am widowed, my husband is 12 years older than me and does not take care of himself.

He only showed me hints of these behaviors before marraige, I wish I would have seen the red flags clearly. Sorry I said so much.

Luv: Please never apologize to us for "saying to much". That is what we are here for. Every one on this forum has used the rest of us as a sounding board. Sometimes we can help, because we have been there. But most times, I have found, it helps me sort out things just to hear myself talk about it.

I posted a "truth" on another portion of this site which I wish I had heard before I married.
It says:

"When someone shows you who they truly are...believe them! The First Time!!!"

If I had only known those words of truth 14 years ago.

None of us are perfect on this board. We all realize that both sides contribute to problems in a marriage. Personally, I can honestly say that for the first 10 years of my marriage, I did not react well to being betrayed and abused. I did everything wrong in the way I handled the situation. And today, my husband uses those reacts against me as an excuse for the way he betrays me. But, by God's Grace, I did change. And it helped me more than it helped my husband.
I can't change him, but I can improve and protect myself in a healthy way.

I am not a professional, but your husband putting a teddy bear over the mouth of your child to muffle the cries is a HUGE red flag. Please, for the sake of your child, do not dismiss this action on his part. Document the date and time of his action. You would be surprised how many "fathers" who don't give a rip about their child, suddenly become possessive during a divorce...because they realize this is a great way to hurt the mother. Also, try to get a confession of him doing this on tape.

Love does not hurt. Love is supportive, constant and reaffirming. Yes, you will disagree....but the way you handle the disagreement shows the greatest love of all.

Remember, even if we have messed up our lives by getting involved with someone abusive...we can still stop our children from being condemned to a life like that. They learn from us. We will be the ones to teach them how others will treat them.