I have read through many posts before registering. Seems that many people are going through the same situation I am right now. I figure I will post to see if anyone has any advice for me too.

I guess I will start at the begining. About 2 months ago, my wife of 4 years tells me she no longer loves me. She had no idea why she did not, except that she has "changed". Now, I knew there was someone else involved. She had become "friends" with a co-worker who also was not "happy" with his family. From what I was told, their relationship went no further than a kiss and talking. I actually believe this.

Now to my point. I have been trying everything from kissing the ground she walks on to apologizing for everything I have ever done wrong to win her back. None of it has worked. I honestly want to change me and the way I am to be a better man for her and myself.

I was told she wanted space, so I moved out to allow her to stay in the house. It's only been about a week but I am miserable. I can't stand not being with here and miss her more than I ever imagined. We get along fine as long as we do not talk about us.

I guess a history of us is needed also. She is a very strong, independant person. She raised herself sine the age of 13. She is stuborn and strong willed. ME? I'm kind of the same but nowehre near it at the same time. I don't like being left in the dark and I like to know what will happen tommorow.

We never fought. We've never had money problems, no kids, we lived a good life that I knew of. Intemacy was a problem for me because I did not worry about it. It came third to a good nights sleep and TV. I now regret all of that and would like a chance to make it up to her. So far, I have not been given that chance.

The "friendship" between her and the co-worker has stopped. This is due to me paying a visit to him which of course, mad her mad. I really did not know what she expected though.

Any advice for a man who just wants his wife back? She said she would go to counseling with me but does not want to. I guess the fact that she said she would means I should take her up on it though.?? I just miss her so much and want to make anything I did right. Is there ever a time when someone should just give up?

Thanks

I would say do nothing as hard as it may be. She needs to think about what she wants. Patience is a virtue. It could be so much as a waiting game until you see a sign from her and if it comes then act upon it slowly and take your time. You have the rest of your life to be happy

I was afraid you would say that... Yes, Patience is a huge problem with me. I have been trying to be patient and well, it's not going so well. Depression has really started to kick in and my mood swings are getting bad. I go from Crying so hard I can't breathe to so angry I want to scream to relaxed and thinking everything will work out one way or another to the good... This is the absolute worst felling I have ever had. It feels like someone has stripped me of my life and my wife...

I will try the patience route... I really don't have a choice.. Which also sucks..

So from a patience standpoint, does that mean I should not contact her and wait for my phone to ring? I am so affraid if I do that, she will forget about me??

This is all so very confusing to me. I really am lost. I just don't understand how this happened and I don't understand why...

wamp,
Do you have any of Dr. Harley's books? If not then I suggest you spend some time reading. It'll help pass the time and help you understand a whole lot more when you get the chance to work on things.
If you contact her at all let it be to tell her you want to change and that you're getting the books to help you understand how you need to change to make things better. It's only a seed, but a farmer doesn't get a crop without planting it first, then getting rid of the weeds necessary to bring a good crop around!
Probably the best one for you to start with would be FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE. It'll give you an overall view and help you understand the others better as you start studying them. From there you can move on to HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and LOVE BUSTERS. They're all good tools to use on that crop you're hoping for! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
God Bless and Good Luck!

Becki

I will look into those books. I could definetly use something to pass the time.

She now wants to go to counseling. Rather it be because she wants to or thinks I need it, I guess it is a start.

We talked this weekend and she told me this: "If things can be ""worked out"" I would like them to be but, I think it is too late". I didn't know how to take this but I guess it's a starting point.

Like I have told her, I know that in the past I have done things that she was hurt by. I really want a chance to show her that I can and want to be the man she needs and wants. I guess it's a waiting game now...

Thanks for all your help!

wamp - I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. Her wanting to go to counseling is a great start. I wish I had that chance. I'll be going but going alone. My WW wants nothing to do with it. Good luck and God bless.

One thing I found very helpful was to find God and having a relationship with him. Not just pray and hope he answers your prayer but to have an intimate relationship with The Man. It is an enlightening and uplifting experience.

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Bubba6453 ]</small>

I hope for your sake it was just an emotional affair, but be prepared for a physical affair as well. Get the books, read the books, tell your spouse about the books. They make a world of difference. Communication is the key and the books will show you how to communicate with her and her with you.
Good Luck.

An update on my situation.

Nothing has changed. She is going to counseling but by herself. The counselor seperated us for resons unknown to me. She does not like counseling so I don't see her going much more (if at all).

I am trying to distance myself from her adn have doing a pretty good job of it. I finally realized that there was nothing more i could say or do to make her wnat me back. This is something that she is going through and me pushing would do more harm than good. I guess I am also starting to see that there were alot of things I see in her that I do not like. Space form someone really gives you time to think about everything. Before, I only remebered the things I loved about her and now I am starting to see sides of her I don't like.

Through it all, I am still commited to making or marriage work. If she would only feel the same way, it would make things a little easier.

I have started to pull back from her but at the same time stay close. I do not call her daily, I do not pry into what shes thinking and do not ask her how she is feeling. I only ask her if she would like to go out and do something. If she says NO, I pretend (and I do a good job at it) as if I am not concenred about it. Thats the hard part.

Sometimes I think the reason I miss her so much is more for some of the material things I lost. House, Dogs, cats and yard.. When your used to living in a house that you and your wife bought togther (she cried when she saw it she was so excited) its hard to give all that up.

As far as her affair. I really am not all that concerned with it because I realize that things I have done (or not done) in the past led to it somewhat. I am fully accepting my part in the failure but just want to make it work. Not the way it was, but better.

I welcome any advice on the next steps I should take expically form a womans point of view who has been in her shoes. Someone who had an EA and was repulsed at the thought of working things out with her husand but somehow found a way.

Thanks for all your help and please keep your fingers crossed for me!

All of the above advice is fine, but there are *direct* actions you can take to help heal this marriage.

YOu need to review the Q&A material on recovering from an affair, in this case, an apparent EA (Emotional Affair).

There are things you can do, but you need to start right now.

You need to make sure you have a *good* grasp of BC material, so that the Q&A material makes sense.

IN short, you are not necessarily out of time, but you need to take proactive steps now.

And don't kid yourself. The Affair is a big deal. It is a violation of trust. And regardless of your "contribution", it still doesn't excuse it. This isn't a "dump on your wife" comment, but it is a statement of fact. Recovering from infidelity is not easy, it is work, and there are proven steps that have the greatest chance of success.

So start reading, and planning.

Ok, Update time:

We had a talk last night for a while about things. I basically told here that not knowing what is going on is the hardest part of it all. Not being able to plan anything or look for any sort of future.

So, after some talking (mostly by me, she is not the type to talk) I gather this from her. She does not know what she wants. Meaning this.... Her words here.. If things can be worked out, she wants them to, if not, she dosen't. Yeah, I know it confuses me too.

I really do think that she wants things to work out. I think that she would like to be "in love" with me again. The problem is she dosen't know what to do. She does not know where to start. She told me that any affection given to her by me is not well recieved. She does not want any from me. I guess the cold shoulder has frozen my way. She also said that she cares for me and loves me but is not "in love" with me.

I guess I should look at this as if there is still some chance with us. The problem is without being able to show her affection or attention and with us being seperated, it's difficult for me to see how we can work on things. Counseling was a joke! That was the biggest waste of time. The lady really had no clue! I have found more informative information on here and in the book I bought from here.

The problem I have right now is that without being able to show her and prove to her that I want to meet her emotional needs, I'm stuck!

In the book and from everything I have read, I did not meet those needs which pushed her away. How do I meet those needs now when they have all changed??????

Man, no one ever told me how marrige really was when I was growing up. I really wish I could turn back the hands of time and could have meet the needs throught our time togther...

Where does one go from here when there is some dim light at the end of the tunel? I can find no info on it at all. We have a good time togther and are still close friends, she just can't put me and her togther in her head!

Thanks!
wamp