Hi, I'm new here...

Comments & advice welcome!

First some background: In September, I started dating a married man ('SIR') with whom I had been good friends with for a couple of months before that. He says he is en route to divorce now. We have both said "I love you." and are committed to each other.

I am struggling with my own insecurities, which are manifested in jealousy and I'd appreciate some comments and practical tips on keeping things in proportion.

Situation 1 (among many):
SIR always wore a gold ring (but not on marriage finger). I hesitated, but finally asked him if it was his wedding ring. He said it was not, that he'd worn it since it was given him as a birthday gift from his first girlfriend (over 20 years ago), and even his present wife of 15 years had not been able to 'make him' take it off. He added that it didn't 'mean anything' and I should trust his word on this.

While I was relieved that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring while we are dating, I was disconcerted to think that he felt so strongly attached to his first love that he wouldn't remove a ring that she had given him, even when getting married to his current wife. I wanted to believe his words -- that the ring didn't have a very special significance -- but his actions told me something else! That bothered me. Yet, I thought it would be unreasonable to ask him to remove it. So I didn't, but... somehow his refusal to 'walk the talk' confirmed my original sense that it was a meaningful link to another woman!

I wondered what he'd do if the situation were reversed, so, although I knew it would look like 'tit for tat', I decided to wear a ring and, if SIR noticed, to tell him: it was something I always wore (not true) because it had sentimental value (true); that I'd removed it out of concern for his feelings, but since it wouldn't matter to him, I'd put it back on.

Well, he did notice and I told him my story, but when he asked for details, I couldn't keep up the farce! I confessed what I was doing, and prayed that he would understand how I felt and forgive me...
SIR did say he forgave me for being 'irrational' about it, as he knew I love him... and he removed the ring there and then!! I felt very stupid and guilty.

He said he'd throw the ring away. I urged him to keep it. I had no intention of hurting him or trying to erase his happy memories, or anything like that! In fact, I don't mind if he wears the ring on occasion, but I still believe that if you wear a ring all the time, it is a symbol of something to you.

[Since then, SIR has suggested that I buy him a ring he can wear as a replacement. Now, he's probably joking, but, honestly, I'd love to -- provided it's a wedding ring, and yes, I'd expect him to wear it all the time!]

A happy ending?

Salt

Looks like your in a bad relationship from the start. Number one, back off and look at the reason the two of you hooked up to begin with. Maybe you weren't married but he was. If he cheated on his wife, what makes you think he won't cheat on you.
And when he told you that not even his wife could make him take it off, ought to have set off red flags for you. That means that his wife probably had the same feelings about the ring you had and he refused to "give" to her. What will it be once the two of you get married. It won't get any better I promise. If he won't do something for you now without the measures you went through, you can bet your bottom dollar he won't do it any easier if you marry him.

I think you need to back off from your needy feelings and look at things from a realistic viewpoint. You certainly aren't doing that now.

jnb