My husband direct deposits money from his paycheck into his daughters account and has been doing this for several years now. She is also on our cell phone plan and was on our auto insurance also. She's in here twenties, engaged, makes more money than I do and still lives at home with her mother. His explanation for all of this when we were considering marriage was she is a student and her credit is bad. I had no problem with this set up because I thought she was this struggling student who made a few mistakes but deserves the support. It's been about 5 months since that conversation and now I've changed my mind about helping her out. She was over with her Fiance the other night for dinner and said a few things that really bothered me. She stated that they don't have any savings, their monthly bills total $400 and the rest basically goes out the window. I was outraged but kept it to myself. When I asked her about her plans for next semester she said she had none. My husband finally removed her from our insurance because she is a bad driver but she's still on our cell phone plan. She hasn't paid us in months because she said her dad owes her the money. She will occassionally run an errand for her father and he gives her gas money and buys them dinner as a thank you. The cherry on top is she told her father that she still needs some time to accept our marriage. I'm on the verge of a meltdown and I do not know what to do. Anytime I have tried to bring any of this up, my husband gets very defensive. We can afford to do this but that's not the point, to me it's like flushing our money. My friends and family say that I should put my foot down but I don't know where to start. They say that I should explain to my husband that if he continues to support her financially then I am entitled to the same amount for my own personal use. I don't want to do that but when my husband gets on to me about buying an item he thinks is unneccesary (i.e. a new blouse), his daughter pops up in my head. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to have a healthy relationship with my step daughter but I'm beginning to resent her and I can't talk to him about it. I feel like if he cuts the support she will attribute it to me being hateful. I don't have a child of my own but I'd like to start planning for one but I'm having doubts now. Help!

You did not say how old this daughter is, and that may not make any difference anyway. But, you married into this situation knowing, for the most part, what was going on. And now you want to change that situation.

You state your husband can afford this expense. If that truly is the case, let him raise his daughter as he see's fit. What's it to you?

I think the issues involved here involve trust and control. Who has them and who doesn't.

Pick your battles, this is a skirmish that will soon enough take care of itself.

Good luck.

Have you tried explaining to him that he is enabling her irresponsibility? She needs to learn to be self-sufficient. She's too old to be getting so much help from her daddy. He may have some guilt about not being with her mom anymore and may be overcompensating.

I understand what you mean about your husband getting upset about your spending but saying nothing to her. I think you're just an easier target. I'm learning just to let my husband complain. I know I'm not spending too much money, he's just being an [censored]. He knows it too.

Good Luck!

In response to her age, 25. This girl is grown and she's been raised and she's talking about children of her own, she's getting married in the near future. Besides that, she's not going to school which was one of the stipulations when this started (per my husband). **You state your husband can afford this expense. If that truly is the case, let him raise his daughter as he see's fit. What's it to you?** What's it to me? We combine money what's his is mine and vice versa. That's what some marriages are about (some people keep seperate accounts). Just because WE can afford it doesn't make it right. Besides healthy child rearing involves choice and consequence. I don't think someone should be rewarded for doing nothing. I'm not asking for anything in return other than her to better herself by standing on her own and going to school if she chooses. In my opnion, it's a great deal, get paid to go to school.

At any rate, thanks for the advice and thoughts. I will post the results.