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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2
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This is our second marriage for both of us. We both have kids from our previous marriage, but none together. We have a lot of blended family problems that are not all that unique.

But a problem that is unique is this- I think my husband abuses (hurts) our pets when I am not home. Our small dog within the last 2 or 3 months quivers and shakes, pees on the floor, and ducks his head and lowers his body when my husband nears him. My husband had quite a few days off where he was home alone with the dog in the past few months. before that, the dog was outside most of the time. Recently, he tried to hold the dog and the dog peed on him, which he had not done before. He has hit/pushed him a few feet across the floor several times in my prescence, and the dog yelps as if in pain.
I have asked him if he did something to the dog to make him be so pathetically fearful, and he said no. Now he ducks under the furniture when my husband is around.
I had a puppy several years ago, and had only had her a couple of weeks. One day my husband was off work...when I came home the dog had a cast on her leg. He said he didnt know what had happened but she was limping, so he took her to the vet and they put the cast on.
The dog I had before that I had from before we got married. she was an inside dog until we got married, then she started refusing to come into the house. When she was around my husband, she would shrink down in fear.
I dont know why, but I am just now putting this together.

When we first got married, my kids would complain about him pushing, pinching, tripping them, etc. He would always deny it or say it was an accident and I beleived him to a point. Eventually I told him that I was sick and tired of all the 'accidents' and opposing stories and that whatever was going on, it had to stop.
After that, there was no more problem with it, although there are still problems between him and the kids.
I know he has a violent temper, both from things he has told me and from things I have witnessed, always towards inanimate objects. Except for one time 4 or 5 years ago, his son wouldnt go to sleep and was up all night screaming. we were taking turns sitting with him. at one point my husband came in and just cried on my chest. after a while he told me he had hit his son. He was too upset to talk about it. I checked on his son and didnt see any injuries.
Later, I told him we needed to talk about what happened. He acted like he didnt know what I was talking about.
I have beleived the things he tells me for so long, but I am beginning to think I am an idiot. I try very hard to not leave my kids alone with him because they always tell me he is mean to them (verbally).
We are christians but not very active in church anymore. He is so happy go lucky acting, people think he is a real sweetheart, til they hear some of the things he says to the kids.
Our communication is terrible, our marriage is terrible. I feel like I am at the end of my rope.

Joined: Oct 2002
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(((Shoshanna))))

Welcome to MB. This particular board doesn't get a whole lot of traffic and I usually post on the Emotional Needs board but your post caught my eye today for some reason. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It took a lot of courage to post that I am sure.

Reading your story just broke my heart. I am so sorry you are going through this. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am also a Christian and we both know that God is able to fix your marriage, and your husband. There is hope!

I think you coming out of denial seems to be the first step.

MB is a good place to come for some support as there are very good people here that love God, and love marriages, but generally the principles that Dr. Harley advocates do not work in the presence of abuse.

I think your hubby's problems need some immediate professional help.

Even if you can't get him to go, please go yourself.

Do you have a support system? Maybe a previous church? Friends? Family?

Can you go to someone that you can trust?

I know this would be a very hard decision hon but if it were me, and I would give the dog away rather than risk him hurting it anymore.

You already have your "proof" in that animals are quite obvious when they have been mistreated.

The dog wouldn't be "faking" it's fear. It is directly fearful of your husband and no other family member is that correct?

If so, as I say, I would give the animal away and SOON!

It would be a hard decision especially if your children are attached to it, but leaving it in harms way of your husband is not fair to the animal either.

Obviously tho, your biggest concern needs to be the children. I would also try not to leave him alone with them either.

I know when you see those words it must just break YOUR heart, because you must wonder how in the world did it ever come to this? But you have to resist the urge to go back into denial and ignore it. You have to take this very serious and not let it go.

People that are abusive often do hurt animals and it is very common. Next will be the children and in time I would suspect he will hurt you. You must take this very serious. (not saying you don't just trying to encourage you more)

Marriage builders however is not the place to find that help.

What it offers is far below the realm of what your husband and you need as a family.

I hope you'll come here to vent when you need help...but please consider making a call TODAY and getting that help.

I'll pray for you.

DZZZ

Joined: Jan 2005
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I appreciate your honesty. I have left a msg at a counselors office to make an appt.

We have kind of become isolated from our church. They were very supportive of me in the past when we were previously separated. So to answer your question, my primary support is my parents and family.

My husband seemed to be such a strong, dedicated Christian when we married. It wasnt until this time last year that he stopped going to church.
He knows the bible very well, but doesnt seem to have the love of Christ in his heart, or is unable to show it. He seems to be searching, searching for something to fill the emptiness in him, and keeps using worldly things instead of God.

Any prayers are appreciated.

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 53
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As my mom is both a therapist and a minister... I read her your post. Feeling bad for both your children and your pets (I am a dog-lover!), I thought it was really important that I get some words of wisdom from her... she is smart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here is what she said to me:

Men are supposed to love their wives (and their families) as Christ loved the church.

With you in this situation, you are not putting yourself in a place where anything can be resolved. He is in a comfortable home, even with you mad at him, he doesn't have to change.

The fact that your animals fear him and that he treats your children badly shows that he has serious problems. My mom suggests some serious concelling right away. Even if it isn't from a minister... there are several agencies out there who will be able to direct you in the right way, whether Christians or not, what you are dealing with is wrong.

The only way that he will really be able to face these problems is if you ask him to leave, or take your children and pets and leave. Otherwise, he won't be able to realize or admit that he is wrong and make appropriate changes.

In addition, God does want to heal marriages but sometimes (perhaps in your situation), if one party doesn't wish to change themselves or admit that there is a serious problem... God can't work with them or change a thing. Look out for yourself and your children!!! You are their protector.

Last of all, in my opinion, I would keep very close communication with your children at all times. Make sure it is ok for them to tell you exactly what is going on with your husband and them. Make your ears a safe place for their words...

Good luck! I hope this helps... keep us updated.

Joined: Oct 2002
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I am so proud of you Shoshanna! I have prayed for you off and on this evening.

You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help.

Please keep posting if you need to vent.

Blessings,
DZZ


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