I just found out 3 days ago my husband of almost 8 years had a fling twice with a younger woman he works with. We have a 10 month old. Of course my trust is gone and I have so many questions. He told me today he has to figure out if he can live with me and my suspicions for the rest of his life. Because even if I do begin to trust him again there will always be some doubt. It seems so hopeless. I don't want to be alone I love him so much. What should I do I have started going to see my Pastor he won't go to counseling yet until he figures it out himself. If he can't he will go then. I don't know what to do the pain is the worst I never thought he would do this to me.
Thanks for reading. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My heart goes out to you.
I know what you are going through - I know that pain you are feeling.
My husband of 22 years told me five months ago that he had found a younger woman and needed to think...needed to figure out where he wanted to be, who he wanted to be with, which "life" he wanted to live...he then said he wanted to stay with me but needed to figure out if he could live with my pain and my distrust.
It's taken me five months and lots of advice and I finally realized that it was all about him...what he wanted, what he needed, what he could live with. It wasn't until I truly heard my friends' advice - "what do YOU want and need" - that I started feeling hopeful that there was a future for me.
Please don't let the focus be just on him. Listen to your friends, listen to these people here - they mean well and they care about YOU. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Aug12th

My God my Husband said the same exact thing! I swear we are living the SAME nightmare. My Husband also got a promotion at work too more responsibility. He works 12 hour shifts and OT so it was easy. Everyone tells me to hang in there but I am a mess! I can't help but feel I haven't met needs he desired. He for some reason couldn't tell me or wouldn't I just don't know. I am so mad at him now for not attempting to come home early from OT. I think I will just back off now I have been riding him pretty good since I found out. PLease tell me we can come through this I do still love him. I am just hurt so very badly. All I do is cry and I haven't eaten in a week. It all feels so hopeless he says he wants to work it out. But him not making attempts to stay home more doesn't seem good to me. Work is where he met that *****! God I hate her! Damn home wrecker!!

I still love my husband too. I went through the same things you are - what did I do wrong, what's wrong with me, am I old and ugly, am I not any fun, do I not share his interests, what does she give him that I can't? Tons of things like that went through my mind. I also asked him hundreds of questions. He tried to answer them - I thought honestly - but when I got the answers I felt even worse. Then I started noticing that the answers didn't match up with each other. Finally, after I could tell that he was getting sick of all my questions, and I started fearing that I was driving him to her - After all, SHE wasn't asking a million questions - I stopped. But I didn't stop snooping around. Most of the time I found nothing, but when I did I was devastated. So I stopped snooping too.

I cried all the time - mostly to and from work. In the car I could cry with no one seeing or hearing me. Then I would park a block or two from our house and fix my face so he wouldn't know I'd been crying.

I hope that your husband is truly trying to help you overcome this terrible time. I believe that mine is. When I can smile and laugh at a joke - and even make some jokes of my own - I can see it in his face that he is glad and he is hopeful that we will get over this and that I will forgive him.
I am five plus months into the whole thing - you are in the very beginning. Don't expect to feel great right away. I don't feel great even now but I do feel much better.

You know what made me start to feel better? It was when I realized that this wasn't just about how he feels and what he needs and wants - One day I realized that I was a person - a person I liked and respected (more than I liked and respected him at the time) - and I didn't want that person (me) treated so poorly. I started treating myself as I would a good freind - I took my own side. I listened when I cried and I listened when I begged him for his love. Then I wouldn't let myself beg anymore. I started giving myself more credit and pride. It is so so very hard to do this when someone is making you feel small and insignificant and diminished. You have to do it in tiny steps. Start by stepping back and watching yourself when you take care of your baby - notice what a loving mother you are - take pride in that. For five minutes every hour pull your shoulders back and walk tall even if you feel like crumbling. Tell yourself, I'll fall apart in a few minutes, right now I am going to feel good about myself. Don't get me wrong - this is hard and you might feel a little goofy doing stuff like this but it helped me.
My daughter is grown and just had her first baby during this whole thing - one of the things I take a lot of pride in is her and the loving mother she is. I choose to pull my shoulders back and feel good about myself when I hold my little grandson.

Don't let this destroy who you are.
I'm sorry I rambled on so much, sorry this was so long.

Aug 12th.

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: AUG12 ]</small>

One more thing - have you tried posting to the "Just Found Out" forum?
I'll bet you will get a lot of response from people going through what you are - some who have gone through it and survived and some who are in your position right now.

Remember to treat your H with as much respect and care as you can. I was readng the Plan A and Plan B stuff and it warns that too much angry and hate can drive a spouse who truly wants to change and reconcile away.

I sure hope you are doing well. Believe it or not, your post and your response and your reading of my reply has helped me very much!

<small>[ January 17, 2005, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: AUG12 ]</small>

The most important thing I told him that lifted a weight off of me was. You have to stop the contact with her. I told him that by continuing the contact with her you are flaunting it and being spiteful. I also said that it was mean and cruel to keep talking to her and it was being disrespectful to me feelings. I think that hit home for him. I think she keeps trying to keep things going with him. I snoop too keep checking the cell phone bill for calls. If he does not stop the contact with her I am so close to calling the &*#$% myself and telling her to leave my H alone!!

I am sure that is unwise it is something HE has to end on his own though! I know she is scared of me because I sent her a little message of my own. I want her to be scared she should live in fear maybe she will stop!

But last night was nice really he showed me some affection which I have been starving for, for a long time. He has not told me he loves me but I think there is hope. I just hate it when he goes to work I get such anxiety because I know she is there. I got him a card and everything to explain how I feel I wrote him a letter.

I have backed off a lot though I try not to attack him anymore. He is slowly coming around. At leaste I have hope now. Thank God for my wonderful son. I am finally eating a little now I have to keep it together for my boy he needs his Mom to be together. So I try to focus my energy on him.

Sorry for MY long reply but it feels good to talk to you too! In some way we can help each other through.

Do you work outside of your house like your H does. If not, is it possible for you to meet him for lunch? Maybe you could meet him for dinner on those days he works overtime...
My H retired young (because he could) and is home all day. That's how our problems started. He joined a group of backpackers who go on 10 day trips - men and women of all ages - mostly single or without their spouses. He met the other woman that way - she shares ALL his interest. I am lucky though because she lives in another state and my H doesn't see her everyday. I have found letters, etc. that he has written to her. He says he has cut the A off completely and the only thing I can do is believe him.
He is trying very hard to treat me well and I appreciate it. This is a very hard thing to overcome - I feel like so much has been stolen from me. The two of them did things together I thought were "our" things and now if we do them they are tainted and I don't want to do them with him anymore...things like walking in the moonlight, hiking in the woods, swimming in the lake, stuff like that and other things. He doesn't understand how that hurts me or why I feel these things have been stolen from me. I don't think that some men really understand the thoughts and feelings that their wives have.

You were right to tell him that you can't tolerate him having ANYTHING to do with "her". Is she married? Can you call her or go see her and tell her that the A is destroying your family, hurting you and possibly taking your H away from his little boy? Is there a problem with her personality or her face or her body - something - so that she can't find a guy of her own. Is she so icky that other men don't want her? She sounds kind of pitiful to me.
The woman my H was seeing didn't know that he was still married so I can't really blame her for what he did. He was lying to both of us.
My husband is a really sweet guy, handsome, and generally kind, he is also pretty smart but he does lie a lot - about the smallest things too. I never could figure this out. I am his third wife and he did this to the other two as well. We've been together for 24 years (married 22 years) - I thought he was over this stuff - Wrong!!
Just a little bit of encouragement - because he is trying and because I am trying I actually think that our marriage is going to be better when this whole thing is over. We truly are starting to see each other in a different light. I am starting to appreciate some things about him I never noticed and he is doing the same with me. Some times he says things like "why are you being so sweet?" And I am only doing something that I have always done - he is just noticing now where before he wasn't. Maybe this is going to turn out OK.

I am a stay at home Mom my son is 10 months old. He has a demanding job which I have always been sympathedic too. This OW is 25 years old he is 30 and I am 34. She has a boyfriend of 8 years. I don't know if he knows. My neighbor a close friend of ours told me that he knows he F'ed up and is going to end it.

I just checked the cell phone bill and he is still sending her text messages. I have also called to see if I can get copies but they don't keep them they are not stored anywhere. I asked him today if he ended the affair and he has not told me either way. I am hoping that he is breaking things off with her.

How long should I wait before I have to step in? I am hoping that does not happen because if I have to confront her to MAKE her stop it won't be pretty. I also thought of contacting her boyfriend to make sure he knows. From what I read that reminder of the affair takes away the luster. Me telling him that the continued contact with her is spiteful, mean, cruel & disrespectful to my feelings made me feel better and hit home for him I think. I just want to know he is terminating the relationship. I would feel so much better. I do have a glimmer of hope.

I love this site it helps so much to talk to others who are feeling this way. I pray we all recover. Thanks in advance!

My daughter would love to be a stay at home Mom and I would love it if should could. You are so lucky to be able to stay at home with your little son.

Did you read Plan A on this Site (and Plan B). It talks about ending ALL contact with the other person. You should read it if you get the time. Your H should read it. You could print it off if you don't want him to know you are on this site.
You are absolutely right with what you told him. I am glad it hit home with him. Some times it seems like it takes a while for the words we say to sink in their heads.

I love this site too. Ever since I found it I have been getting better. I haven't cried on the way home from work in over a week now.

Well being a stay at home Mom is great but the money is tight. Anyway I just spoke to him and he didn't say either way the he is working on ending it. He says he has a lot on his mind and is going crazy at work which I do believe. I know the place he works at is a zoo. But it is always the same old story you know?

He didn't sound to me like he was trying too hard to end things. How much time should I give before I tell him I am going to step in and end it if he doesn't? That is my big question. Will that make it worse? But if that is what it will take then I WILL call her and tell her!

At least I haven't cried today.....yet. But my anxiety is up it is the feeling of loosing control, like your own life is slipping from your hands and you are powerless to stop it. I have done ALL I can I guess at this point.

I don't care if he finds out I am on this site I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!! I won't resort to lying and sneaking. I tell him flat out I always have. I guess leaving things around from this site would not be a bad idea. Maybe he will read it I really don't know.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Starting ALL over again 10 years gone poof!

D
How are you doing today?
Aug12th

Aug12,

I am doing ok I guess. I spoke to him last night and if you go to just found out board you can get the details. Forgive me for not wanting to retype it hear for you it is kinda long.

It ishard to fight the strongest urge to call the OW's BF. I told him so and he insists on handeling HIS mess HIMSELF. I basically said that I can't wait forever for you to end it. Because next is seperation if you don't. He doesn't know if he can live with putting me through the pain of constant suspicion. He has to think about it and he hasen't had the time to do it he works so much.

So in a nut shell at this stage in this game I have to wait and give him time. Work on my anger management & stay focused on my son who needs his Mommy to be strong for HIM. For my son's sake I will work hard at keeping his Daddy home with us because deep down inside of me I do love him very very much and I know dispite this he is a good man. That is all I have to hold on to right now. Oh, and I pray a lot too. I have to go visit my pastor soon. Its been too cold to take the baby out I have no one to watch him.

I am waiting for those books I ordered to come too. I ordered surviving an affair & his needs her needs for Parents. Although scouring this board is overload sometimes. Too much info is no good either makes me do dumb things.

How are you doing? I am so obsorbed in my pain I didn't ask you if I could help you. Damn I can't help myself at this point. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

D,
Are you doing OK. How was your weekend?

Aug 12th

I just joined the marriage builders forum and have enjoyed reading these topics. I just wanted to know how everyone feels about husbands having a friend of the opposite sex? They do exchange cell phone calls and text messages. He does tell me most of the time when she calls or texts plus he knows I get the cell phone bill. Can it just remain a friendship? He thinks I am absolutely crazy for thinking that he would even consider having anything other than friendship and has told me that I have nothing to worry about. He hasn't stopped loving me or hugging me or kissing me or telling me how much he loves me, so should I be worried or not? If you want ask questions to make a better judgment, ask, please! Thanks everyone!

Tony,
I think if you post your question to the General Question area you will get a lot more responses. Also - you should probably start a new thread.

My opinion about your H having friends of the opposite sex is very different today than it would have been five months ago. Before I would have told you that there is no harm in it. Today I will tell you I think it is risky. It is risky, so why risk it. Today I would ask my H to NOT do it.

Aug 12th

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: AUG12 ]</small>