My wife of 20 years recently had an emotional affair with an old love of hers..it did not become sexual at this point.

She says that she has now discovered the reason for the affair was that she feels I have held her and our 3 children "emotional hostages" for years..and she needed emotional support and is too lacking energy to continue our marriage. She has feelings for the other guy, but is not sure if she really feels for him or if they are false feelings. She also no longer knows what she feels for me and can't say if she wants to try again with me.

I grew up in a really screwed up home, and I guess I learned those behaviors. When she and I have gotten to a bad places in the past, I have taken some clothes and left...only to ride the bus around the city and then return to ask forgiveness. I have also threatened to hurt myself if she were to leave me. I never realized what an effect these things were having. I have set up therapy for myself and so has she. But I am so afraid it is too late...that she may really love this other man and my family will fade away. What can I do? Folks, I don't know what else to say right now...this is all my fault, but I feel so empty right now. I just want to make it right. Please...any ideas?

Brian

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: baltimoredrummer ]</small>

Brian, your story is all too common unfortunatley. One spouse shots down emotionally and the hurt spouse goes seeking attn else-where! I am sorry it took something big to get your attn and to get therapy. This is NOT to say it's all your fault, b/c your wife is in the wrong for stepping outside the marriage. Has this happened before, are you still living together, how old are your kids? The more info, the more advice you can receive. Continue to reach out, do the things she's always wanted you to do. IF she likes flowers, send her a bouqet,if she likes love letters send her those. Prove to her that you want this marriage to work, and are willing to change at all cost. Hopefully it's not too late and she will remember why she fell in love w/ you in the first place!

~Prayers are w/ you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We are still living together...this has happened quite suddenly. Our kids are 4, 13 and 16. We have never got to the point of splitting up before, but we have had disagreements about money, parenting, all the usual. Never any type of infidelity before. Like I said, I am still at home, actually sleeping in the same bed. She stared a new job today, and when I left to take the kids to school I got at least a small hug and a peck of a kiss on the lips. Guess that's a good thing, huh? This guy she was seeing was her "first" in high school...I knew about him, but she did not begin to try and contact him until December. Even in the midst of things, she would say she loved me...look in my eyes and smile. I knew that I was in trouble with the marriage..and was sure she was cheating when she called his name out while making love to me! She also says it often in her sleep. He is younger, single and more attractive than me...I don't know how I can compete with that. I want so badly to call him or email him and ask him to send her back to her family...but I know that will just make things worse as he would probably tell her I did it. Any continued advice appreciated....

Brian

Brian,

Is your wife willing to end contact with this person?

At this point, she is not. She has entered therapy individually, as have I. She will not discuss couples therapy at this point as she says she does not know if she loves me or wants to be married to me...she thinks she needs to work out her feelings for me and this other guy in therapy herself.

I feel like I don't have any hope, here. I still am at home, she sleeps in bed with me, changes clothes in front of me, stands nude and asks me for a robe in the bathroom. But yet she tells me that she does not know if she is in love with me...that she does not find me physically attractive anymore...and she is angry of this "emotional abuse" she alleges I have done to her. She hugs me goodbye and goodnight and I get a little kiss on the lips. What does all this mean??