Hi I am new to this site. My husband and I come from opposite financial classes, he grew up poor, while I grew up upper middle class. Somehow and fortunately this is not a problem between us, largely because I have been on my own and have experienced being without, and my husband on the other hand understands that having a lot of money isn't something to be resented, that it is all how you use it that matters. Our parents however make it a problem for us by criticizing who we chose to marry. My in laws think that I don't know how to budget, and my parents seem to think that my husband isn't capable of acheivement. My husband and I know these things about each other arent true. Whenever we have family gatherings it is hard. When I am with my husbands family, I'm not accepted or respected, so he has to listen to me complain about it on the way home. When my husband is with my parents he gets the same treatment and he has his own criticisms to make. I have to say that I agree with and support the criticisms he has for my family, because I know it is true and it isn't right for them to judge him the way they do. However I don't get equal support from my husband when it comes to his family being disrespectful and unaccepting to me. He gets upset when he hears me complain on the way home. His mother is extremely mothering/nurturing, and now that they are empty nesters they dont know what to do with themselves. So when we visit occassionally, she will pull her apron strings on my husband and my husband will follow their wishes over mine. This bothers me a lot. I know my husband loves me, cares about me etc, but why do I have to compete with his mother? This is not right, and I don't know how to handle this situation. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Heh, sometimes I think in-laws are the bane of any marriage succeeding. Why do you think my wife and I moved a thousand miles away from both our sets of parents? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't know what your religious views are, but ifyou're a believer, a man is supposed to leave his father and mother and *cleave* to his wife. Leave and Cleave. It's a good rule to live by.

o) I think you need to have the heart-to-heart with your H about the lack of support. *You're* the person he's supposed to love and honor and cherish above all else. Not his mother. That doesn't mean be disrepectful, but it does mean he may have to find a new way to talk to them.

o) You may want to reconsider how you approach talking about it. "Complaining about it on the way home", is not conducive to calm rational discussion. A whine and moanfest is only going to make the other person resentful.

o) YOu don't have to compete withyour H's mother. And you know what? You should stop. Stop going. Just tell your H that you find the situation intolerable, that it just hurts your feelings that he is not supporting you when his M is in the picture. That you don't see any reason to submit to the continual criticism/nagging/disrepect/fitb.

o) People have a dramatically over-developed sense of obligation to participate in dysfunctional family activities. Parents are just that. Parents. Respect? Yes. Have some kind of special status that allows them some kind of "extra" power over you and yours? No. Family gatherings are some of the most toxic gatherings out there. (Obviously not all, but certainly lots)

o) Have you and your H take the EN questionnaire. Make sur eyou list that one of your EN's is his support when faced with disapproval from his mother. Imagine how much it will mean to you if your H stands up to his M and tells her that she may not "disrespect" you, in front of you or him anymore...

Good luck. Lots of resources on this site for how to have the conversation with your H and such. Review the concepts link up at the top, and the Q&A.

<small>[ January 22, 2005, 04:15 AM: Message edited by: Jaye Mathisen ]</small>

Thanks for your response. I understand how my complaining didn't help the situation and how to better address my problem to my husband concerning his parents. I also have a better understanding that I don't have to listen to or put up with my in laws criticisms for the sake of being together as a family, which I believe also includes the grand kids issue, as I have a son. We are believers, and I've mentioned the cleave and leave to my H in the past. He is still very torn though. We used to live in the same city as his parents, so things got better when we moved 2 hours away. Would I be wrong to think that the longer we are married and the further away we live from his parents that through experience and time my H eventually won't feel torn anymore? Right now, I am having difficulty trying to find a way to approach discussing the issue of his parents because he is so sensitive about it. Right now he is making an important career change too, and I just don't want to create more stress. I am undecided wether I should wait until a less stressful time, bring it up now so that when the situation arises he knows where I stand or address it right when the issue comes up.

I have been married 15 years and my husband still will not stand up to his mother. We live 6 hours away. Time and distance will not solve the problem.

That being said you and your husband must acknowledge that this problem is not with his mother...it is with each other. You can not control what other people do outside your marriage. You can only work on uniting yourselves.

This must be the first step....because no amount of boundaries will work if he isn't willing to acknowledge his mother's poor behavior.

Your husband must acknowledge that you, he and your son are his family. period. That is the nucleus. Since you did say you were believers, Scripture should be your foundation. That is why the Scriptures say a husband leaves his parents and a woman leaves her home. Genesis 2 clearly sets up the definition of marriage. He is not honoring God if he does not set himself up as the priest, provider and protector of his family.

If he will not honor his duty in this area, all the recommendations from this board will not work.

It must start with unity and him putting you and your son before all others. (except God)

I suggest you take one step at a time. Help him understand his role. Let him know of your dependence on him. There is nothing wrong with a wife being able to depend on her husband.

Set the example by making sure your parents have a set of boundaries and make sure you back him up where your parents are concerned.

I believe helping him understand his role as husband (which no one teaches men) and you setting the example with your own parents will do a lot more good than complaining.

But be aware, if he becomes the husband you deserve....be ready to be the wife he deserves.

There will always be stress in life. it's rarely coast-city.

I don't think I'd attack the problem on the worst day ever, but if it just sits ther,e it will just be this festering sore that will never get dealt with.

And it needs to.

I think taking a more active role in not allowing yourself to be put in a compromising position will be probably the strongest statement you can make.

Inhymn, that is some very valuable information you gave me there. My inner compass was leading me in this direction, I just didn't know where to start or how to go about it. The part of "because no amount of boundaries will work if he isn't willing to acknowledge his mother's poor behavior" has been difficult, as he denies their shortcomings as if his parents can do no wrong. I know that pointing these things out only will encourage more resentment, and I don't want to do that. There have been incidents that happened that he absolutely couldn't deny, and though he discussed this with them, there was no real resolve. He tries to pan it off that myself and his parents need to work it out. I tried that, and it doesn't change anything. As far as my parents are concerned; they live 3,000 miles away, I had to sort through some family disfunction on my own, I've had time to emotionally separate, and I know my parents really well, good and bad. I've always told my husband that if he ever feels uncomfortable or doesn't want to do something with my parents, we can leave or do something else...I try not to make him feel obligated, because I know how I feel sometimes on the flip side. He doesn't do the same for me in this area, and I don't understand why, other than that he is really attached to his parents and their family. My inlaws, when we were living in the same city made me feel as though, I was just another one of there kids, not like my husband and I were married. This is still how I feel when we visit occassionally. I don't hate my in laws, it is just really uncomfortable because they don't respect or understand me. It doesn't matter what I try to explain, or how nice I am to them, it still doesn't change anything, it is just the same. My mother in law also is just so very judgemental/critical of me. I also married her only son. My husbands parents are resentful of me for many things but one case in point is because of the way they see me raising my family. I think they take my different way of doing things and practicality as a way of putting them down, and the truth is I am just doing what I know, what I learned from my parents mistakes and have planned to do since I was young and wanted to have a family of my own. This is another way in which my mother in law is in competition with me, and it is really uncomfortable. A few weeks ago my husband and I took a trip, while his parents watched our son. I used to feel I was being generous and mature in allowing my son to stay with them dispite the situation, now I don't know. When we were leaving, my mother in law mentioned that for when we got back, she was preparing a dinner. I did not want to stay, and in a polite manner told her that we would not be interested, my husband understood this too. So when we get back from our trip, the dinner issue came up again, I didn't want to stay, my husband did. We stayed and I ended up feeling a lot conflict inside myself, due to the fact that I couldn't talk to my husband about it. I'm going to do some prayerful study on Unity and Genesis 2. I still haven't approached the topic yet, as I am still sorting through it myself, and as I mentioned before there is a lot going on. I know there will never be a "perfect" time, but surely I know this topic can wait a bit. When I sort things out, I'll be prepared and clear, certainly the advice here has been very helpful. Thank You!

I can completely relate. I have tried to explain to my husband that when he was a child...he had a "child - parent" relationship. However, when he grew up it should have evolved into an "adult-adult" relationship....with the respect going both ways.

I am 50 and my mother is 95. I had my sons late in life. My mother had 6 children (21 grandchildren - most she helped raise) and had forgotten more than I would ever know about raising children. However, whenever she babysat my first son.....she followed my instructions to the letter...no matter how ridiculous they may have been. As long as my rules did not cause my son harm....she would follow them. Again, no matter how silly or strange she may have thought they were. Why did she do this? Because she respected me as an adult and as the mother of that child.

However, my in-laws proved early on that they could not be trusted with our sons. They did things like not using seatbelts (because the boys did not want to)...letting a 5 year old ride in the back of a pickup truck by himself down a busy 4 lane highway and then told my son to lie to me about it. My youngest is allergic to orange juice and my in=laws thought that was ridiculous. Orange juice is good for everyone, so they would try to get him to drink orange juice....just to name 3 examples.

Finally I told them if you are going to babysit then you must follow our rules. My in-laws flatly told me if "they" were going to babysit that they would do it "their way"...period. So I said fine... you won't babysit and I never allowed them to. We still took the boys to see them. We did not deprive our sons of their grandparents. But they were never allowed to keep them again at their home.

It is all about respect and having that respect to mutual among adults.

That is the sign of really good parenting....when the children mature into adults. Good parents support that transformation. I was blessed with a wonderful mother who loved me enough to push me out of the nest....and she took great pride in the adult I became. Your husband needs to understand that he is not being disrespectful to his parents when he protects you and your children. He is simply doing his job. If they perceive it as him being disrespectful, then they are the ones with the problem. They don't want their "child" to grow up. If God had intended for us to remain children....He would have kept us as such.

I do wish you the best of luck. Sadly, I can tell you that after 15 years of marriage, my husband still will not stand up to his parents.
And you won't ever have the marriage God intended you to have until your husband assumes the role that God intended him to do.

Like I said earlier, I am not a professional. This is just 15 years of experience talking. I made the huge mistake of putting up with inlaw abuse for 12 years. I finally put my foot down almost 3 years ago, and it has been nothing but h*ll ever since from my husband. Sadly, I doubt he will ever grow up. But that doesn't mean your husband won't. Let him read some of these posts.
Perhaps that will help.

I talked with my husband, and the conversation went well. He sincerely understood how I was hurt and assured me that I am most important to him. Later I recieved a call from my in laws about stopping by to give my husband a gift for his birthday. I told my husband about it and we were both suspicious and not sure what to think of what his parents were doing. We thought that it could be important but then it could have been a desperate empty nester attempt. The important thing here being WE = united. As it turns out it was an important family heirloom gift, and we both were relieved, and the visit was genuinely pleasant. My relationship may or may not improve with my in laws, but I realize that I can work on improving my relationship with my husband and that is what is most important. Things are definately better, and I'm thankful for the insight given here.