Hi everyone. I am new to this site and hope to get some advice and help. My husband and I have been togethr for 6 years and married for almost 3. I have some big trust issues. For years I have accused him of cheating although I haven't had any reson to believe he would do something. In my mind I don't really think he would but I say it anyways. I have said it for years. When he wants to do anythings with his friends I would say no. About a year ago I finally gave in and said he could go out for a few hours with some guys at work and asked him to be home at 10pm. He didn't show up until 9am the next morning and didn't call me and didn't answer his cell phone. He said he just didn't get that much time with his friends and wanted to get as much in. After that I really didn't want him to do anything. For about a year he hardly ever got to go out. We got into an argument a couple of weeks ago and he left and didn't come home until 3:30am. I was mad and made some posts on another site. When I got the responses I realized that I was the one that was wrong. I realized that I basically pushed him away and although he shouldn't have stayed out that long he was just to tired to try. I decided to change myself. I didn't want to be that kind of person and the changes I made were amazing and I actually felt better about myself. I gave my husband a lot more freedom but we felt more disconnected then ever. We had a long talk last night. We didn't argue we just talk. He said that although he cared for me he didn't love me and he hasn't loved me for some time. He didn't want to hurt me. He said he noticed the change in me but felt it was fake. After I told him why I change (being slapped in the face with the truth by people outside the marriage) he said he was now even more confussed because he thought I was faking the change and now he knows that I wasn't. He says he is willing to give it a try but doesn't know if he can fall back in love with me. I don't know what to do. I love him and don't want to let go after I have seen the truth about myself and am changing. I however don't want to be with him if doesn't love me. How am I suppose to go to him and cuddle with him and hug him when he doesn't feel anything but how is he going to reconnect with me if I don't do some of those things. My heart is so broken I don't know what to do. I don't want my marriage to end. I thought about conciling but can't really afford it. I really don't know what kind of advice I am expecting but anything you have would be appriciated. Thank you.

1 forum is sufficient.

I believe people are responding toyou over in the emotional needs section.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sweetpea1981:
<strong> Hi everyone. I am new to this site and hope to get some advice and help. My husband and I have been togethr for 6 years and married for almost 3. I have some big trust issues. For years I have accused him of cheating although I haven't had any reson to believe he would do something. In my mind I don't really think he would but I say it anyways. I have said it for years. When he wants to do anythings with his friends I would say no. About a year ago I finally gave in and said he could go out for a few hours with some guys at work and asked him to be home at 10pm. He didn't show up until 9am the next morning and didn't call me and didn't answer his cell phone. He said he just didn't get that much time with his friends and wanted to get as much in. After that I really didn't want him to do anything. For about a year he hardly ever got to go out. We got into an argument a couple of weeks ago and he left and didn't come home until 3:30am. I was mad and made some posts on another site. When I got the responses I realized that I was the one that was wrong. I realized that I basically pushed him away and although he shouldn't have stayed out that long he was just to tired to try. I decided to change myself. I didn't want to be that kind of person and the changes I made were amazing and I actually felt better about myself. I gave my husband a lot more freedom but we felt more disconnected then ever. We had a long talk last night. We didn't argue we just talk. He said that although he cared for me he didn't love me and he hasn't loved me for some time. He didn't want to hurt me. He said he noticed the change in me but felt it was fake. After I told him why I change (being slapped in the face with the truth by people outside the marriage) he said he was now even more confussed because he thought I was faking the change and now he knows that I wasn't. He says he is willing to give it a try but doesn't know if he can fall back in love with me. I don't know what to do. I love him and don't want to let go after I have seen the truth about myself and am changing. I however don't want to be with him if doesn't love me. How am I suppose to go to him and cuddle with him and hug him when he doesn't feel anything but how is he going to reconnect with me if I don't do some of those things. My heart is so broken I don't know what to do. I don't want my marriage to end. I thought about conciling but can't really afford it. I really don't know what kind of advice I am expecting but anything you have would be appriciated. Thank you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sorry everyone, this is migh first visit on this forum and seems to have hit the wrong button.
Anyway, Sweetpea's letter is just my story. Although when I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, he really was but would always find a perfect explanation and lead me to believe that I was paranoiac and hysterical. Anyway, over last Christmas he could not deny it as I had manage to gather all the prooves. After a 3-week truce, where I started therapy, acupuncture (highly recomended to alleviate the pain of depression) and when my husband was travelling abroad and back, we gave ourselves an ultimatum to come with some plan for the future. He then told me bluntly that he did not love me anymore, but that he wanted us to stay together for the child. I told him I still loved him but did not want to stay with somebody who did not love me. So I fled with our son to my parents. For one week, we kept in touch through texts. (A good way to avoid outburst). but I definitely thought that my son's place and my place was home. So we tried to find away to do this as harmless as possible. I tried to "sell" him the tricks advocated by the emotional needs book. He then told me that he could no longer stand the burden of daily life: looking after the garden, bins, my routine in the morning, my routine in the evening, our son's bedtime routine. And he said that he needed to be away of all this before he could consider starting something all over again. So he now off traveling for 5 days and will then move to a furnished apartment. We are then supposed to get calmer and more relaxed. He probably needs time to fall out of love with the other woman and dropped the defence he has raised in front of me. Then we should start dating like in the old days 17 years ago.
I do not know if this strategy is good. It is certainly risky, because it is giving the opportunity to the other woman to ease her way back into his life. But I cannot force him to leave with me and to make the efforts recommended in the emotional needs guide against his will. He is not receptive at this time. He'll need time.
This is very hard for me, but I am forcing myself out of the house. Last week when I was at my parents place I went out twice and really enjoyed myself and managed to forget my problems for a few hours. And I do intend to do so in the future.
I have kept this secret from my closest friends but now I am going to tell them and go out with them like in the old times.
In the meantime, I promise to stay in touch by text only and if I need to shout or yell by pain, I call my therapist. Time i my only ally in the matter.

There is some really good material in the Q&A section on recovering from infidelity.

You should print the stuff (several topics worth), and review it. It will really help you figure out what way to proceed.