<BR>I'm 22 yrs old , my wife is 23 <BR>and we have been married for 3 <BR>1/2 <BR>years we have 2 chidren a son 2 <BR>yrs and a daughter 3 months.. my <BR>wife has met a man at her work <BR>who is 31 yrs old , married for 9 <BR>yrs and has 3 children ..my wife <BR>broke up with me and told me <BR>about the other man .. she says <BR>she is in love with me and him <BR>both.. we talked and we decided <BR>to work on our marriage . but <BR>she does not want to leave the <BR>other man .. she is afraid to <BR>leave him hurt and afraid his <BR>wife will leave him and he will <BR>have no one .. but she wants to <BR>work on our marriage .. i never <BR>trusted her .. i have been hurt 3 <BR>other times ..i was also very <BR>controlling ( no make-up, not <BR>letting her do things she wanted <BR>to do)but since this event <BR>has happened i have changed to <BR>show her the affection she needs. <BR>i love her very much and want her <BR>with me and the chidren .do u <BR>have any advice on how to help <BR>her to break the love between her <BR>and the other ? or any other <BR>suggestions that would help our <BR>marriage? thank you<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>j.d.

Dear J.D.:<BR>I am sorry that your wife got interested in someone else, especially since the both of you have children. However, you have got to look at the big picture in the fact that you both married young and have had children. Your wife probably is wondering what the other side of life is since she really did not have a chance to really explore other relationships. I know you feel betrayed and are not trusting of her. If you two aren't generous, demonstrative, and emotional equals, you'll always feel that you aren't getting thelove you deserve and you'll be right. You stated that you want her to break up the relationship with the other man. Well, obviously she won't do that and so what does that tell you? How serious can she possibly be if she cannot put 100% into the marriage and let him go (whether he feels hurt about that or not). her first priority should be you and your feelings and your marriage. If he is hurt, than it should not be her problem. Yet, she holds on. What is terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first rate. There is only one real sin and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best. My advice is to really go to a marriage counselor. The both of you have to want to make it work and try to make it work, not with just words. My husband and I have gone but we leave there and it's back to the same old thing. You should try to make it work, but, only if she is willing to give 100%. No children should go without two parents together, yet, if you stay together the way things are, your children will learn that this is the way marriage is suppose to be. You will be reinforcing a vicious cycle. Your children should be learning and seeing that there is trust, love, communication in the family and not disloyality, arguments and infidelity. I don't think that your marriage is at the point where it deteriorated to such an extent that parting may be the only solution. However, marriages of convience will never bring joy. Truth is the only thing that stands between two broken hearts and wholeness. She has lied to you/cheated on you 3 times. Does she communicate her feelings at all to you? If she does not communicate, than the despair that begins as a daily disquiet between two people is ignored in private, it will grow in strength and intensity until it becomes a roar of rage that will not be denied until despair give outward, such as the affairs that your wife had. When the silence becomes deafening and its all over but the shouting, it should be over. I am not saying that your marriage has gotten to this point, yet, if it has, where does this leave you??? I reallly hope that the both of you seek a marriage counselor, because it doesn't sound like you are at the point of no return. There are issues that really do need to be addressed such as your controlling behavior (even though you corrected it) but it comes from your past. You only correct something when you understand and learn why you are the way you are. Also, her need to keep leaving you. She apparently feels that she has a need that she has't gotten (it's missing) that she feels she can fulfill with other men. But, it isn't the answer if she keeps going and leaving you for others. Something again in her past has to be resolved. Perhaps her parents left her (either her father or mother) or perhaps her father or mother had affairs. She needs to find out (through therapy) what she is really seeking for. Perhaps she though that marriage would correct her needs. Again, it didn't. <BR>I hope eveything works out well with you and pray that you do go seek out counseling. Do research and try to find a good one. The both of you may go through several of them before finding a good one. I know that much because me and my husband went through several of them. Feel comfortable and don't hold anything back in your sessions and that includes your wife. Take care, my prayers are with you. If you need me, look me up (katya).

My cut on this kind of thing is that we can all make mistakes, I have certainly made mine, and we can all be victimized by those we love. Who else could be that close and hurt that much? Mostly, you need to work on her seeing that she is either obligated to you and your children, or she is obligated to her friend. That sounds like a very simple choice, and your behavior from the earlier part of your relationship sounds controlling and unloving, which could complicate the question. Your wife sound as if she is in need of reassuring love, not controlling love. If you are ready to give that, then tell her so and live up to the promise. I have the same kind of empty space in my soul. If I can't have love I will settle for what looks like love. It has cost me in the past and I am trying to make sure that does not happen again by seeing the flaw as what it is before I allow myself to fall into another destructive relationship. My marriage may end in divorce, I am still pretty unsure, because my wife broke faith with me as explained in my profile and I did the same thing to her, but it will not be because I failed to see the fault in me. Please look at your faults and flaws, identify them and take action to correct them. Then, when the slate is clean in your heart, try to offer the same to your wife, along with some strong assurance that you have made peace with your demons and accepted her efforts to do the same. She needs to let go of her emotional relationship with this "friend", and give you the benefits of such a relationship, you need to earn those benefits. Good news, once you move in that direction, the path will be more obivious then it seems right now. It is a matter of taking a risk on the person you love and asking her to do the same. In one relationship, I bought an airline ticket home with an open departure date and gave it as a gift, sort of a love parachute. Maybe that kind of reassurance would be helpful. In the end it did not work, but it was my failure to accept that if I did not trust her, she would certainly live up to my expectation. God bless you both and I will keep you in my prayers. EICK<BR>

Well - maybe you were controlling then, but that was then, and this is now.<P>You have every reason to want to rebuild your marriage. Do you know what plan A is? No lovebusters - and trying to meet wife's needs.<P>It sounds as if your wife and you can work things out with a little work. The work probably will be mostly yours, and I suggest you start today! <P>Come home from work directly, and put just a tad bit of effort more into your regular routine. Do not expect much right now. <P>You say you've been hurt 3 other times, are you afraid now of getting hurt again? Sometimes that "wall" that we build actually impedes progress. Sometimes, controlling the relationship doesn't really keep us from getting hurt either.<P>

Read the information in this web site. You will find it very helpful. <P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

I think she is going to need to see changes in you before she is going to give up the security of her relationship with OM. I know you said that you WERE controlling. When did the control start and how long ago did that change? Are you now willing to let her be who SHE wants to be, provided she is putting her share of work into the marriage?<P>I agree that Plan A is where you want to focus right now. Do your best to make yourself a better husband and try to meet whatever needs she will let you meet without lovebusters. It's hard to be the one to give when you are not the one who had the affair, but if you want her to come back to you completely, Plan A is probably your best bet.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>