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#60114 01/23/05 08:38 AM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2
L
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L Offline
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2
Two weeks ago, my husband told me that he is not in love with me anymore. He said that he still loves me and cares about me, but something is missing. He said that I feel more like a good friend or roommate to him than his wife. We have been married for six years and in a state of conflict for approximately two, and now I'm afraid that he is in withdrawal.

Our problems are two-fold. He is a workaholic, even though he won't admit it. He works approximately 50-60 hours a week at his regular job, and also has a small side business, which he has had since we got married, that he puts another 25-30 hours a week into. He also is an avid hunter and he joined a golf league two years ago. This leaves little time for us, and I feel alone and severely neglected.

When I would complain about not spending enough time together, he would say that he thinks we spend too much time together, and that he knows other couples who spend a lot less time together than we do and they seem to be doing fine. And besides, since we don't have any children, he shouldn't be expected to spend more time with me. Since I was constantly feeling hurt, I reacted by hurting him through verbal abuse. And now, he says that he can't take it anymore.

We are still living together, but he sleeps in the spare bedroom and he stopped wearing his wedding ring. We went to two marriage counseling sessions, and he doesn't see any reason for him to go back, because he thinks that I am the one with the problem, not him. I have agreed to change, but he doesn't think that it is possible. He doesn't trust me to not hurt him anymore. He told me that he needs some space to decide what he wants to do, and he has been going out with friends on the weekends instead of spending time with me. Last night, he stayed at his parents' house.

I know by reading the Marriage Builders Website, that what we need is to spend more time together to fall in love again, not less, but my husband doesn't see it this way and is pulling away from me. He says that he wants to be able to come and go as he pleases; he wants me to stop doing his laundry; and he wants to cook his own meals. I don't know what to do. Should I stop and give him his space, or should I continue doing these things to show him how much I love him?

And by the way, after all of this, we have been having the best sex we've had in years, even though right afterwards, he gets up and acts like it never happened. I feel that I am trying to meet his emotional needs and not hurt him anymore, but he is still making no attempt to meet my needs and is continuing to hurt me. Should I stop having sex with him, too?

Is there any hope for my marriage?

#60115 01/23/05 09:57 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,568
J
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Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,568
I hate to say it, but are you sure your H isn't having an affair? Did you read Dr. H's stuff in the Q&A section on both infidelity and ... Oh crud, can't remember the other topic. think think think. Oh, maybe it's under "Independent behavior".

What is "fine" for other couples (and you only are seeing the exterior facade they put on), really doesn't have bearing on your marriage directly. Needs are needs.

I guess the obvious question is if your H wants to remain married. If he wants to be roommates, then you have to decide if that's something you can live with... From the sound of it, not your cup of tea.

#60116 01/24/05 07:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2
L
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L Offline
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I am pretty sure that he is not having an affair. Believe me, I have looked into it, but everything always checks out...he's always with who he says he's going to be with and always where he says he is going to be. And I wonder if he were having an affair, if he would still want to have sex with me all the time? I'll have to read the Q&A article, though.

It's really weird...he has been doing a lot of stuff around the house for me without even being asked, which never used to happen. But for some reason he doesn't want me to do anything for him.

I think I can hold on a little longer, but something's gotta give.

#60117 01/27/05 10:07 AM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 183
Q
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Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 183
Lost....

Please don't confuse his still wanting sex to rule out the possibility of an affair. You may think you know his every move...But the fact is...It only takes a few moments.

A long time ago in my first marriage that I thought was fine was slowiy going downhill. The sex was there, I thought it was great too...I even was pregnant with our second child when I found out the crushing truth that led me to this board.

Don't ever underestimate the actions of your husband.If I had allowed myself to ignore my first husband...He'd be having his cake and eating it too. This board was very informative and gave me alot of insight. That marriage didn't make it because he wanted the OW more. Years later...She's no longer in the picture, He remarried...So did I and if you ask him if he regrets everything he did....He'd say yes.

The whole situation changed me and the way I looked at everything including myself. I had rose colored glasses all the time wanted the perfect marriage. I realized I had to work on me. When I did I looked so much more attractive to my Ex husband. He wanted me back...But I was the one who said no. I don't regret my decision...

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: Querida ]</small>


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