I obviously have more than just one problem, but I am hoping that someone can give me some hope, if not some answers. My common law boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years, and we have a wonderful 10 yr old daughter together. First, let me say that I love him very much, and honestly feel that he is my 'soul mate'. If I can keep the tears from my eyes long enough to type this, it would be a miracle......
My problem is with sex. He tends to want LOTS of it, and I could easily go for weeks without even thinking about it...which to say the least is a problem. He had an affair 4 years ago during the summer while out of town working. After finding out about the affair, I left him and moved to my mom's with our daughter.
After a couple of months apart, I agreed to move back home to try to reconcile. Everything seemed to be 'good' for a long time after moving back home, with us communicating and sharing what was important to each of us. He was always trying extra hard to do everything that I needed him to do, so that I could try to get past my intense pain and hurt. After a couple of years, he was reverting back to old behaviours, like being insensitive, slightly controlling, quick to anger at me for being insecure, etc. He promised me that he would be patient with me forever if he had to, but eventually he gradually started to become intolerant. He thinks that it's been so long since the affair, I shouldn't be feeling this way at all anymore, and wonders when will I get over it? I realize that my thoughts and insecurities must be tough to deal with for this long. I just don't have an answer for him. The pain has definately gotten less and less, but there are MANY triggers that seem to set me off. I used to be able to watch porn with him to get into the 'mood', but since the affair I am just revolted by everything from Sports illustrated and Maxim to hard core porn. He used to have a large magazine collection that we would look at together, but after the affair I asked him to get rid of it, and he did. One day, two years after the affair I found a couple of recent issues of Hustler in his drawer, and I flipped out about it. He argued back saying that 'it's not a big deal', etc, etc......but to me, it was a BIG DEAL. That arguement lasted a long time, until I just gave up from the exhaustion of having such stress in my life, and dropped the issue. The magazines stayed in his drawer. I told him that he'd have to throw them out, if he wanted to. I wasn't going to do it for him, as that wouldn't help or change anything. Just before this Christmas, I was putting clothes away and found a current issue of Hustler. I feel terrible. Every crappy feeling that I thought was going away forever came gushing back. All I could see was the OW's face & body in my mind. I am definately NOT a prude, but I just can't handle this any more. He got very mad when I confronted him with the latest magazine, as he doesn't think I should have a problem with it. Our sex life sucks because of me. I guess that's why he cheated in the first place. He says that he uses the mags to J.O with since I don't ever want sex. I am starting to think that I can never be normal or happy again, and he is probably better off finding someone that can be what he wants. I can't afford to get professional help, so I thought I should look for some free advice. It couldn't be worse at this point, so what's the harm? Lately, I have been totally depressed and not interested in much of anything. My resentment towards him, and his feelings that I should 'get over it' will certainly be the end of this relationship. That is the last thing that I want, but I can't bring myself to just accomodate him with sex when I have such emotional pain from even thinking about it. There have been times when I do feel aroused and interested in sex, but they are few and far between.
Please, someone tell me that this will all just go away.....my sorrow and misery is killing me and I need HELP!
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