Married 6 yrs, 2 children. Have endured mild to outright hostile treatment during marriage. Husband has been reluctant til now to address. I have recently pulled away (resolved not to go to family gatherings which are at least twice/month) to simply avoid the contact which has deepened a pre-existing low-self-esteem. I do not seek confrontation (I don't believe it will help) rather distance and reprieve. My husband's having a hard time with guilt over not defending me and grief over possibly distancing himself from family. Father-in-law & brother-in-law are hostile and make nasty comments when not ignoring me; mother-in-law is outwardly pleasant but manipulative & controlling. I have asked husband to include me in any future discussions with his family about our absence at family events (my husband refuses to go without me). They seem to be trying to drive a wedge between us. Of course, I am the villain. Advice?

I am not a professional, but I have "been there done that".

The most important thing is that you and your husband communicate and present a united front.

Let your husband know that it is perfectly normal to feel a loss for having to distance himself from his parents. Acknowledge and understand his sadness. Truly appreciate that he is willing to put you first in this tragedy. Sadly, I did not have this advantage in my hardship.

You and your husband must list the facts and deal with them logically:

1. His parents are never going to change.
2. Feeling loss is no reason for your husband to
feel guilty. He has done nothing wrong. If
he allows himself to feel guilty, his parents
will use that to their advantage.
3. Yes, it is all about control on their part and
yes, they are trying to place a weg between
you.
4. Boundaries are going to have to be set. They
should be clear, concise and presented by
both of you in writing. There must be clear
consequences for his parents' failure to abide
by this boundaries. They will test it at
first. You must both stand firm and united.
5. The first boundary should be that his parents
are not allowed to talk to him about you or
your relationship without you being present!

You can not change his parents, but you can set boundaries. The fact that your husband is even willing to try is a great positive on your side.
Appreciate his willingness to set the boundaries.
Together, set the boundaries AND consequences.

You are dealing with spoiled children here, they must be treated as such.

You, your husband and your children ARE YOUR FAMILY. You four are the nucleus...everyone else is in your life by invitation only and ONLY if they follow your boundaries. This is a great first sentence in your letter to his parents.

Second sentence, "not all problems can be solved, but they can be managed. This is the way we have decided we are going to manage our problems with your behavior".

Then set forth the boundaries and consequences.

It is like discipline a child. It will be hard at first, but it will not succeed without consistancy.

I guarantee the first time you are around his family after this agreement has been discussed and even agreed to...the same nasty behavior will happen. Be prepared for it. Be prepared to LEAVE immediately. Don't fight, don't argue....just say "that behavior is not acceptable, we made ourselves clear" and then leave.

Again, be thankful that your husband will even listen and care enough about you to try to put a stop to this abuse.

I will never have that...and subsequently will never have a marriage with my husband.

Thanks for your insight - that's some of the most helpful advice I've gotten on any subject - and I've been in therapy a time or two.

Frankly, it sounds like a pretty toxic environment. So perhaps missing a few family functions will give you both an opportunity to work through the false-guilt, and the sadness, and at the same time, re-examine the situation with a fresh perspective.

You and your H's relationship is the most important one of them all. If he isn't strong enough to "stand up" and be the H he should be, then don't get put in the situation where there's going to be failure.

He might perceive this as some kind of failure. it's not, it's objectively looking at himself, and saying, "This is a situation that I do not handle well, and until I have the tools to handle it well, I will not putmyself in it". IN the meantime, you and your H go off and enjoy some extra recreation time.

Life is hard enough, don't go looking for trouble. When the IL's start asking, just explain it camly and simply, and let the chips fall where they may. You are not responsible for their anger or frustration or irritation.

I would encourage you to read the Concepts section of this site (up at the top), and the Q&A section. There is *good* material there, that will help bo th of you through this, and many other situations like this.

bf65: Glad I was able to help. Sadly it is from 15 years of experience.

Relationships are like finances. It is all about priorities, common sense and discipline.

It won't change over night, but if you have a husband who is willing to try....give him the love and support he needs. It will be worth it.

Thanks to both of you who replied. Your support has been really important over the last week. i feel better about the situation and the way we're handling it so far - and really appreciate a place to come to like this. Blessings.