My wife and I have been married for 25 years and have had 4 great kids together. In years gone by we had terrible fights over her weight which got as high as 220 lbs. (she is 5 ft. 6 in.) Obviously having 4 kids was certainly a factor. I now hold my anger in but I'm getting so tired of it. I long to be married to a woman I can admire physically. I became so turned off I could no longer become sexually aroused. It's dangerous because you begin to look for an outlet. When I threatened to leave, she got down to 180 pounds but is beginning to go up again. What should I do? Should I leave for awhile?

No don't leave. This may make her more determined.

I have a weight problem and my husband doesn't much like it. He never admitted it was a prolem until i found out about his affair.

My problem is very much about emotional eating. Talk calmy to your wife, tell her it's an issue for you. Its much better if these things are out in th eopen.

And then support her. Don't ever criticise, just support the good and praise the good. Keep her in good spirits and make her feel like a queen.

Obviously, PA (physical attractiveness), is a high need for you. YOu may want to see if perhaps there's some En's of hers that you aren't meeting, and perhaps reach some mutual agreement.

It might be something like if you're not going to meet her EN's, she's not going to bust her butt to meet your needs. And that doesnt' make it right, but it could be that simple.

Or food or whatever is her mechanism for coping with some other pain, and until it's removed, she may never win the weight battle.

But I would look for ways to support your wife (EN's being a good start), in the mission, as opposed to threatening and chest-thumping, which does nothing except break down the relationship.

Thank you for responding so quickly. I appreciate your advice. I don't know how to get past my anger and disgust to meet her EN's. I'm only human. I've tried faking it for a long time. It must be such a wonderful feeling to really love someone with all your heart, to admire and respect them totally, to love being with them, to have absolutely no desire to even look longingly at another woman; I long for that kind of relationship. It would be such a feeling of peace and contentment, something I don''t think I've ever known. I have tried a certain amount of self-denial and have never physically cheated on my wife. Where do I find the ability to meet her needs when my anger prevents me from doing so? I don't know if I'll ever be happy in this marriage.

So what exactly are you angry about? That she won't lose the weight? YOu must've married her for some reason, at least not out of anger, so what happened to those reasons?

I don't dispute for a second that you're angry and upset, but I want to understand exactly what the issue is. Are you angry that she won't lose weight? Are you angry that now you're in a relationship with a person that doesnt' seem to value your needs? Or what exactly?

Because digging in and finding the root of it will go a long way towards helping both you and her. But if you let your anger condition how you respond to your W in other areas, you will never see success.

I would guess that your W senses your Anger, and it can affect her.

So I think you need to expand a bit on what the issues are. Was your wife slender when you married, and then just put on weight? If she was overweight when you married, and you knew it then, what changed so that now it's suddenly unacceptable?

She was slender when we were married. She weighed 105 pounds. She gained weight with each child. I would like her to weigh 145 pounds. Whenever I brought the issue up it would turn into a fight, so I no longer brought it up but it still greatly bothers me. I feel like she doesn't care about what is important to me. I believe if I and our marriage was really important to her she would make the effort to get down to 145 pounds. When she doesn't make the effort I feel angry.

Jerry,

Have you tried turning this around a little bit? Make it as much if not more about her then you.

Its a health issue, try addressing it as such

So there's been some significant change on her part.

And this is obviously a serious need on yours.

tap tap tap.

Rather than fight about it, if you just went to your wife, and talked about it, w/o DJ's, LB's, and just asked her, what do you think she would say?

I'm just guessing, but I suspect that her weight is symptomatic of a deeper issue. When you meet needs out of a sense of obligation, I'm guessing your W can sense that. So it's not really meeting the need, because it's done begrudgingly.

Since she's not getting what she wants or needs, she's not going to bust her butt to give you what you want or need.

It doesn't make it right, and neither of you are coming out of this unscathed.

I think you need to unwind the situation a bit, and start back over with the basics. YOu need to be able to talk to your W and express your lack of sexual desire openly and honestly. And your W needs to be able to share with you the things that are really, truly deeply bothering her. She may not even know exactly what they are, just that they aren't being met.

I think you need to apply BC to teh situation. You need to ask your wife to open up, w/o fear of any LB's, DJ's, AO's, or anything else and share with you what she needs. And she needs to listen openly to what you have to say.

There might be a tendency to take POJA and force some kind of agreement about SF, but I think that would be a serious misapplication. Mainly because POJA requires enthusiastic agreement, and I suspect until your W's EN's are being met, she is going ot be less than enthusiastic.

I would encourage you to both take tne EN questionnaire, and see where you can find areas that you can work on in each others life.

And keep in mind, the process is mutual. If you work on meeting her EN's, you have every reasonable expectation that she is going to work on meeting yours.

There's nothing wrong with desiring what you desire. There's nothing wrong with how you feel, the mission is to recover the desire, and work on getting rid of the distance, encouraging both partners to work towards each other's mutual satisfaction.

Marriages work out when the partners are working to meet each others needs. if you don't feel that your W is meeting yours, find out why. Don't berate, judge, or criticize, but just find out why. Knowing the answer to this will help immensely.

I guess another question is has your wife gone in and been tested for diabetes and all that stuff? Depression, and so on?

The weight gain may have more behind it than just lack of effort burning calories...

As to where you find what it takes to continue? I think you've hit the very crux of the issue. The part where you dig down deep, you rediscover why you married this woman (It can't only be because she was thin, there had to be more to it than that), and you focus on those parts, and work towards the goal, but this time, with the desire to see things change for all the right reasons, as opposed to just seeing what you can get out of it.

That doesn't mean that you never get what you want, but I believe if you put real effort into it, honest effort, met with a desire to really serve your wife, it will give you the greatest chance to see the change you desire.

And then after some time period, if nothing changes, it may require more drastic action. But I think you need to give it your all first.

I say just talk to her about it, openly and honestly. It may just work wonders. If you confront her gently, she may make an effort to understand what you're telling her. Sure, she may be hurt or mad for a while, but she could come back to you and tell you, "You know what Jerry? You're right."

About 4 years back, I started to get out of control and I was eating comfort foods to make up for my husband not being home - he was always with friends or working 7 days a week. After he talked to me about his concerns about my weight (he said he was scared about my health and that he wouldn't be attracted to me if I gained any more weight), I was able to control my eating and focus on a goal. I was hurt at first too, but I knew he was right. I also didn't like what I saw in the mirror but never admitted it to myself. Now we have a 19-month-old girl and I'm 13 wks pregnant with my second. I still have to watch my weight. But watching it and seeing me attain goals makes me and my husband happy. After my first baby, I successfully reached my pre-pregnancy weight and hopefully will do the same after my second baby!

Please don't think about going to someone else for comfort. She's your wife and mother to your 4 kids - she deserves a loving husband that understands her. Be patient... and good luck.

Just curious...if you are in a car accident and are disfigured beyond repair...is she going to leave you? Something tells me no.

No, she wasn't in an accident. But she did have 4 children and that takes different tolls on different bodies.

Instead of being critical and whining about what she is doing wrong...how about coming home one night, take her by the hand and suggest you two go on a romantic walk together? Hubby lost 40 pounds in a 1 year just by walking 2 miles a day. (No, it was he doing...I would love him no matter what his physical appearance.)

Sorry if I sound harsh...but so many times a weight issue is used as an excuse to cheat and it is not.

Thanks Jaye. I see much wisdom in your words. Looking back with good old 20/20 hindsight, I don't think we were the best match to get married. We were young, didn't go through pre-marriage counselling, and made the jump into married life. The physical aspect probably played a much greater role in the attraction than was healthy. She certainly has some fine qualities as a person and has been a very good mother. She became pregnant in the third month of our marriage so unfortunately we never really had much time for just the two of us. All of a sudden there was a baby and they just kept coming. Life was way too busy; I was still finishing my degree when our second one was on the way. Working, going to school, trying to pay the bills, changing diapers--it just didn't give us the time alone that we needed. When she reached 220 pounds our marriage became strained to the breaking point. I know I did a miserable job of making her feel wanted, but how could I do that when I honestly didn't want her. I tried going through the motions as best I could: buying flowers, leaving a note now and then, giving gifts. But you are right, she obviously sensed that I wasn't doing it wholeheartedly. She would say to me, "You don't cherish me" and she was right. Every time she would say, "I love you" inside I would say, "No you don't. You love food and being fat." For years I stayed because I knew it was the right thing to do and I wanted the kids to have a stable environment. We did a pretty good job as parents as all 4 kids are doing well. Her self-esteem is so low I'm afraid to bring the subject of her weight up. She will just see it as an attack and I'm afraid of how it will turn out. It's a Catch-22 because she needs me to honestly cherish her, but I don't think I honestly can because I am disgusted by the rolls of fat hanging off her stomach and legs. However, I am going to try your advice to put in the best effort I can to serve her. I realize I am a basic selfish human being like everyone else (except Mother Teresa) so I don't know what I'm going to do. What exactly do you mean when you say "serve her" and what kind of time frame are you suggesting--1 month, 3 months, a year? How do I make it seem like it is not just a begrudging effort?

Have you suggested she see a doctor because being 5'6 and 180-220lbs is very unhealthy.

My fiance's ex was 5'3 and 100lbs when they married. She got up to 160-170lbs. He would suggest going for walks, swimming, taking the dogs for a walk, but she didnt care. She saw her doctor last year and he apparently made an impression on her because the last time I saw her she looked to be about 105 and 110lbs. She lost her weight in about 8mo- 1 year. She does look good now, I'll admit...even though I look better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But my point being is that if you make it a health issue which it clearly is then maybe she'll relaize not only do you care for her physical appearance but her health as well. Set up appts for BOTH of ya'll to see a doctor together. It's hell trying to get my fiance in for appts but if I go with him, it's much easier.

But I can imagine how upset you are. But losing weight is very hard and she might be mad at herself because she cant seem to lose weight either. If you can afford it, maybe both of ya'll could join weight watchers. I know whenever I diet, my fiance diets with me (he never needs too though). But he has said it's not fair for me to be the only one eating rabbit food. And it makes cheating on the diet harder if you know your spouse is also working towards a goal.

But maybe a doctor could recommend a medication to help her lose weight faster. Or maybe she has a metabolism problem and needs her thyroid checked.

But one of my fiance's EN was PA. I want to look good and I know looking good also makes him happy and I want to keep him happy so it's a double bonus for me.

I think you need to be frank. I think you need to tell her that the marriage is in jeopardy. That try as you might, for you, in a mate, PA rates very high.

I think you need to find out what she truly wants. Generally, in a healthy marriage, the parties work to provide each other what the othe rperson wants. If you don't know what your W truly wants, you'll have to find out. And that means using something like the EN questionnaire, and talking to her and really listening to her.

Assuming she's willing to talk about how to heal the marriage at all, then I would venture you'd need a minimum of 3-6 mo's. 1 month is pretty short. There's some patterns that need to be broken, dug up, and replaced with new patterns, and that takes time.

When you talk to your W about the issue, be careful to not use phrases like "you disgust me", and stuff like that. It will not get you what you want. Rather, "I feel that my need for PA in my mate is being ignored", and keep it about how you feel about the situation, not what's somebody is doing. Because you can't argue with feelings, they're just there.

A dual approach, using the health argument may apply as well, because if I read what you say correctly, if the weight issue was addressed, everything else seems to be OK, at least from your perspective. (She may not perceive it that way, but that's your take on it).

You can't be afraid to talk to you W about things that she is sensitive about, you just have to talk sensitively. You understand that it can be difficult to lose weight, tha tyou're looking to have your relationship go on another 25 years, etc.

And people have asked several times, but you haven't answered, has she been tested for issues like diabetes, and stuff like that? Ruled out hormones or other weird biochemical things?

Would your wife consider IC to address the binge-eating issue? (Actually, I don't think you called it binge eating, that may be a misnomer).

But again, you need to really develop that intimate connection. Intimate does not mean sex, although that can be part of it, but more that "mind-meld" type thing. I still think that the weight issue is a symptom of something else, and not because she really just gets a thrill out of being fat.