is it okay for your spouse to have friends that you don't know about.And when they are asked about it you are told that they are just a friend and its no big deal.

Well, I'm assuming that by the way you're asking the question that your H has female friends tha tyou don't know about.

And if it makes you uncomfortable, and your H respects you, then you and he should reach an agreement on whether or not it's acceptable.

I have to say, it certainly seems odd, although not outside the realm of possibility.

Secrets of any kind in a marriage can be very tough to deal with. Even if nothing is going on.

Have you just sat down wtih your H, expressed your concern calmly and rationally? If so, what was his response?

I do not believe that it is okay to have secret friends. No matter how strong your marriage is, know the friends. If it is a friend of the opposite sex and they are just friends, why can't he introduce you. Why would he hide her. He would not like it if he found out that you had male friends that were always talking to and you did not introduce them. He would not accept it from you and you should not accept it from him. If he says to mind your own business, tell him he is your husband so that makes him your business. You can not hide things in a marriage. Eventually it will turn out for the worst. You should be open about all relationships, even of the same sex.

God never gives you more than you can handle.

Hi Jaye,
Let me give you a little more information,my H is training to go to Iraq,and I found out that he has been commnicating with someone in the same area code meaning that he was not just calling me because our family is in Florida and south GA, when I confronted him he told me that it was a male coworker,and as I started to asked about the times that he called ( looked at the cell phone bill) he confessed that it was not the male it was a female coworker. And at that point I got upset because I felt like he was going behind my back to call this person and if I would not have asked him about the call he would not have told me. In a email to me he said that this person was a friend and that he has lots of friends that he knows and that I would not understand. Immediately I knew it was a woman but he also included in the email that he would never call her again because it upsets me, well at that point I need a name so I asked him who was she he tells me that I met her when I went to his office(he's in the national guard")but I don't remember anyone when I went there it was a long time ago. Anyway his response to me was that he was sorry and that he loved me too much to do anything to hurt me and he just did not think it was a big deal because she is a friend and she has met me and he has never done anything against our marriage. That was his response now my question is do I let it go?

Hi Ron,

I like the way you think, and I feel the same way but my H is on another planet. and you are right God will not put more on you than you can bear, Thanks for replying

I don't think I can tell you if you should let it go, because only you know how far your trust goes, and what you're really feeling.

If your H is an honorable man, and you think that he's telling you the truth, (or you're willing to risk that he's telling you the truth), then in the interests of marital harmony, it seems like you would have to, or it would overshadow your relationship forever.

But trust your instincts.

I would encourage you to do all the reading here at mb. His secretive friendship with another woman is a very serious issue. Let it at the least be a warning sign that the two of you need to have a much deeper more comprehensive level of communication from this point forward! You now have your eyes opened to some things that were out of radar range before. Definitely keep your eyes open.
Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I mean it! It's excellent for your situation. Then talk to your husband about having boundaries around your marriage to protect it. No other woman should be inside your circle of intimacy.
Even if his intentions began as totally innocent friendship, the fact that he lied about her means that it has gone beyond that.
Do the snooping. Protect your family. Be wise.

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: realitychkd chick ]</small>