Hi everyone,

My husband and I have been together since he was 16 and I was 18. We met at our work. I have been intimate with two guys before him. The tricky part is, is that he knew both of the guys from his high school. I went to a different high school. To this day, he cannot get over the fact that I slept with two guys that I say I did not have strong feelings for. I mean, when I was that age, I was curious and if you want to bring psychology into this, I was one of those girls that did not have a father figure around and wanted the attention anywhere I could get it. It bothers him more than anything that he knew these two guys and can't help but think that if he just talked to me earlier, I would have been dating him before I even got together with my last two boyfriends. I tell him constantly that I know I was stupid and I admit that I made mistakes, but that what matters now is that we're together and he's the one that I'm with. He doesn't dwell on this all the time, just sometimes. It's been a long time since he's thought about this. It's been YEARS, actually. He says he's not mad at me - even though I feel like he thinks I was easy back then. He just says that he has to get over it and not let his thoughts get to him. Is that really the case? Is there anything else that I can say to him that can make this all go away?

As for his past, I told him that I used to get jealous over it, but what can I do about it now? Nothing! Not one thing. It's in the past and happened way before I came into the picture. And I accept that. Why can't he? He says that there's a little bit of jealousy because he wasn't my first. Again, something I can't change and he can't change.

Me: 27
Him: 25
19mo girl, 13 wks PG
Dating 3/28/96
Married 9/20/97
Separated 5/02
Back together 8/02

I pretty much have the same problem. I had sex before marriage. My husband knows this. I wass looking people up on the computer in the people find and I looked up people that I actually did have sex with. I had no intentions of using the information. I was just curious about them and where they are in their lives. Pretty much the same reason people go to reunions. My husband thought that there was more behind it. He did not and still does not believe that is the reason I looked them up. He thinks that he was not sexually satisfying me so I had to turn to them. He even thinks I went as far as masturbating to their names on the computer. I never did no such thing. It has been about 17 months that this has gone on. He thinks that everything I say is a lie and that I still want these other men. I do not want them. He has not been able to let this go in any way. He has so many unanswered questions. Almost everyday he has some comment about one of them or me with them. He has called me names and puts me down. It is a never ending battle. He said that he wants to have an affair so that way we would be even. He says that I had an affair wih them in my mind so now he is trying to have one. Just over the past couple of weeks, he has been talking and going out with this other girl. He even lied to me this morning about where he was last night until 1:30 in the morning while I was home with our four young children. I think all you can do is let him know that you love him and only him. He needs to have enough faith in your love and in you that just because you had sex before him, does not mean that you are having sex with others now. You know that you made a mistake and have probably forgiven yourself for that mistake. We learn from our mistakes. You would not be who you are now if you would not have had the experiences you did before him. I now know why sex should be saved for marriage. I am reminded of it on a daily basis. Just keep loving him. Ask him how you can prove to him that your sexual past has no meaning and means nothing to you now. I only wish you the best of luck and hope that your life does not turn out like mine.

God does not give us more than we can handle.

Reviewing some of Dr. H's articles in the Q&A section on recovering from infidelity may help. Because part of the process is restoring trust. So even tho' it isn't infidelity in the present sense, it's almost like it's perceived that way even tho it was before the relationship started.

I would click on the Q&A link and read some of those things, and see if they can help. There's a ton of articles in there, heck, there may be one on this specific issue, I haven't read 'em all.