my wife has it in her mind that i am the root of all the evils in our marriage. no no i dont drink, smoke, cheat on my wife, nor am i abusive.

today we had a fight over place mats on our kitchen table. this morning i decided to clean our stove and then make breakfast for the both of us. she sat down in front of the tv cutting coupons to save us money. when i finished cooking breakfast, i set the table and called her over to eat. i had sat down to start eating and she said "we should be using the place mats." my response was "can it wait?" my response was delivered in a way to mean "why can't you get it yourself?" my wife got really upset.

we've been fighting the rest of the day. and i am tired of it. this fight has turn in to a "you dont respect me or appreciate me" fight. i do all the house chores and i'm the one not being appreciative?

i'm not sure what to say. saying i'm sorry is just making the situation worse.

i've been hiding my unhappiness in our marriage for a long time now, i guess it comes out in one form or another. i still love my wife. i'm not sure what i am doing to make her feel that i don't respect her? help!

You've come to a good place. Sounds like both you and your W are engaging in activites which would be described as lovebusters.

Up at the top, is a link called "Concepts", referred to usually as "Basic Concepts", or BC for short.

Read *everything* in the BC section. top to bottom. Then *both* of you, use it. Stop with AO's, DJ's, IB's, all the things that ruin relationships.

After you've read BC, and you understand it thoroughly, head over to the Q&A section (up at the top), and read some of Dr. H's letters, in how to apply BC to everyday situations, some much like what you're experiencing (although not specifically).


From your description, and knowing nothing else about your situation, it appears to be solvable. YOu have to break the cycle of communication tha tis tearing your relationship apart. And replace bad "love" habits, with good ones.

It takes discipline, and remember, the only personyou can change is yourself. If you beat your W over the head with BC, then you've missed the point. The 2 of you have to work on it together, each on their own, each responsible for their own part, and not burdened with the failures on the othe rparties part.

After you've mulled over BC and the Q&A, if you're ready, then you head over to teh Emotional Needs forum, and both of you do the EN questionnaire, which will help pinpoint areas in each of your lives that the other needs to focus on meeting.

This will help you build your relationship up to where it should be.

But you have to crawl before you walk. Imprint BC on your psyche. Approach the material with your wife together. Thins like "I feel like we've lost some of the spark that drew us together and I'd like to rekindle it", will get you a lot further than "HOney, you treat me like crap, here's a website that will help you fix yourself up". (As an extreme example".