I recently found out that my wife was talking to some people online that i wasn't aware of. I knew of a penpal in Italy and that was it. She then said it was people from stress/mommy related issues that she needed help with (feeling the pressure of raising 3 kids while i work 65-80 hrs a week) I understand that it makes sense, meanwhile we have been having problems communicating and growing distant. I then find out there sre some guys she's talking to but one is gay and they are only for internet friendship, never anything "real". Saturday night she calls me at work and asks if she can hang out with these friends-- gay club, with gay guys and straight girlfriends-- i said sure because i'm trying to work on myself to bring us closer and she needs some time to chill. When she comes home she tells me bunch of gay guys, straight girl, straight guy and that she met these people off of "myspace" website. I feel that this is violating our trust because first off she wasn't supposed to ever meet these people, just chat and they aren't off of these support groups originally explained. I don't think she would cheat but the sneaky nature of this doesn't sit well with me. just looking for input.

Have you guys talked about the Policy Of Joint Agreement? If yes, then tell her that you don't agree with her going out on "group-dates" (as my mother would call them) without you. Tell her that you're uncomfortable with her meeting people off the internet. Tell her how you feel.

Does she already know how you feel? If yes, and she did it anyway, I wouldn't blame you for feeling tricked.

As for having an affair - it could possibly be an emotional affair if she's talking to them about stuff she's not telling you. Do you feel left out? Do you suspect a physical affair at all?

C

we haven't gone over the joint agreement because i've just started looking for help here and really this happened prety fast (me finding out happened fast), she doesn't want to address our relationship right now because she says she has the issues and needs to deal with them but for now just wants to have time away from me and the kids (not seperation but seperate time)eventhough me never being home is part of the problem. So i can't even try to work on things together with her right now. I primarily am working on getting back to the husband i was and sometimes she's into it and other times it's like hey cool, he's home and i can get away for a bit. I feel totally betrayed that she went behind my back and the truth of who these people are is revealed little by little. I don't think she would have a physical affair, i hope that the respect is there that she would just tell me it's over and do what she had to do. I continue to sit by and hope that my tranformation will help her realize that what she is doing is not fair but if not i still will be a better person for it

Part of Dr. Harley's basic concepts is the policy of undivided attention. You and your W should be spending 15 hours a week with each other, no kids, no tv, just being together, doing something fun, talking, learning about each other. Do the EN questionnaire together, learn what the two of you need from the M. Agree to POJA as much as possible.

Yes, easier said than done. If your wife does not see that there's an issue in the M, then she will probably resist to doing the above things. If she does not recognize that she's more involved with her friends than her H, then she probably won't see why you need her attention. I believe that this is called fog in the MB world. The Wayward Spouse can't see the harm that she's inflicting on her family - she can only see what she wants and is being selfish.

Perhaps you should start with Plan A (where you do your best to meet all of her needs, though a little difficult if you don't know what her top needs are), so that when/if she takes space, she remembers her family as a family that she loves, as a family concerned about making her feel loved and wanted.

If she is in fact having an affair with someone she met on the internet (EA or PA), then she'll have to ask and respect no contact with this person. You may struggle to reach the point where she'll agree to no contact, but if she wants to save the M, too, you'll get her there.

C

thank you , it makes sense what you say and alot of those things i relate to very well. i don't want to push the EN questionaire on her because she gets pretty pissed. she is not willing to work on us right now and i think that if i give her everything she wants, space and resources to do what she wants and relax herself that she is just gonna love it soo much that we're never gonna focus on us. Beleive me she deserves whatever i can give her-- world's best mom and when we were at our best we were a couple that everybody envied. Fantasy is always better than reality so if you can live in that "calgon" world as much as you can why attack the real life issues of our marriage. These things bring up past problems and some anger but if resolved would help us get our foundation sturdy again. She doesn't think i should be on this site because she swears it's her that has the problem and not me but without this place i probably couldn't have stuck in there to try and fix this. I would have run and tried to hide, so thank you to everybody who has replied. Luckily on Friday our daughter is having her birthday party and my wife and i are going out to dinner , eventhough it is at the restaurant that i am the chef , I think it is good because she feels excluded from that part of my life and i don't get alot of chances to show her off. (i am proud of her physically and mentally)

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: chefdom ]</small>

I caught my husband cheating on me in 2001. He called himself producing this singer lady. I walked by the bathroom and he was on the phone I heard him speak to her in a tender soft-spoken voice that had extreme care and concern a tone of voice that he never used with me. He asked her what time are you getting off of work so I can meet you. My heart dropped. I question him and he said I was hearing things. So I went out and bought a tape recorder and began taping all of his conversations, which added up to be almost 4 and half hours a day. One day she asked him to come over and bring him some cigarettes and she needed some money too. It so happens that he told her I was gone in the car. One day they were talking and she asked for nukie and he moaned and then caught himself and changed the subject she said what’s wrong your wife there he said yeah.
I played the tape back to him and he would not listen to it all. He through it down and became so angry that I never seen him get that angry before. Mean while he keeps telling me this was business he had to talk to her about their music business together. He would not admit that he had done wrong and until this day he still says he did nothing and that I don’t have any evidence.
I told him that Ray Charles could see that he was cheating. Now present day he has a cell phone and makes sure that I don’t answer it and he even sleeps with it under his pillow and earpiece in his ear. He slipped and left it out and I listen to his messages and a woman said she missed him and she would see him tomorrow and go head and have a wet dream about her. I put the earpiece to his ear while he was asleep and his eyes bucked and he had this look of fright on his face. Then said I don’t know who that was and that people call his phone all the time. I said it really seems strange that they are all women that leave messages and I have not heard one man leave a voicemail that he did not know. He is a driver instructor now and says that all the instructors give their students their cell numbers.
I have no one to talk to about this and he keeps some women or girl that he talks to privately all the time and says that they have some business relationship. Please I have no one to talk to about this. I would appreciate any all feedback I am making plans to either cheat too or leave.

It's tough...I know. I'm a H that understands. Just as you need someone to talk to, I feel the need to talk with someone. My W (for whatever reason) isn't that person right now. Partly because she doesn't want to, and partly because I don't want her to. The voice of another (person) becomes irresistable -- let alone the feelings of intimacy, etc. It's not easy. I understand your reaction and that you feel tempted to cheat (if you have not already done so). I'm not one to sway you away from that feeling. It's natural (to me anyway). Sorry I don't have an answer......

i definetly don't think cheating is the answer. the old saying two wrongs don't make a right. it probably won't make you feel any better, if anything you will feel guilt somwhere along the line---espescially if you have kids. My case i know my wife is lonely because of my work schedule and she is full working mother and does not have interaction with adults (until recently)
I think you need to identify what has caused this, does he feel he can't communicate with you, do you have same interests? , is there other issues that push him away? Unfortunately i have put my wife in the situation where she has looked elsewhere for friendship and not desiring to fix us right now. I post on these websites because it's safe, i never will meet anybody i talk to here, won't exchange numbers or emails just want to help heal some of the hurt an if i can help someone along the way then it's been a success. I feel that staying with a a cheater is bad, you will become an enabler and will probably get hurt more times than you can count. I don't feel that my relationship is at that point. I think it's sort of EA right now and that can be worse down the road but i have to take baby steps right now. You have a lot of evidence proving an affair/s so you might have to deal with this quickly (watch out for the part you said about him being very angry). My marriage is the most important thing to me right now and my wife says it's because i suddenly think she is cheating or that someone else is interested. The fact is that i have had a wakeup call to change things before i lose my "better 3/4" (she is more than 50% of our equation), if i don't do everything i can to change this i won't be able to live with myself for letting her and my kids down. Sorry i don't help you much but i'm so new to this site that it always comes back to me.

Thank You guys for your response. I really helps to have a listening ear.
Chefdon
Is there any way you could try spending more time with your wife. Its good that you will be together on Friday. Maybe little messages asking for a schedule appointment. Sounds like she wants attention. I am agry enough to seek the same but too afraid to take that step. Its like opening pandora's box. Taking a step off a ledge and hoping there is water below and not rocks. But your right its so tempting. My H is at that place where he is in denial and wont even consider looking at the EN or anything. He's Not willing to seek any counseling. He told me today that he does not want to stop talking to any of his female friends that I am having illusions and nothing has happened between him and all of these women. Oh and that he is leaving because I have a serious mental jealousy problem he cannot handle anymore.
This was after I told him Communication is one of my urgent EN. Your right I am an enabler and every month some other women pops up and tell me I have your husbands undivided attention.
How do you fall in love with your wife? Is there anyway you could try to talk to her like send or leave messages, plant gifts in her path for her to find. Something to let her know she is 50% or more. Its not too late for your marriage. And I know you may still be a little (how could she?)
But it's like your thirsty and you can't get water at home so you go find some. You search for that missing part of you. You need some one to talk too. Some one to listen and make you laugh. But when you slow down and think about it is what you really want from your spouse.

The idea of letting your wife go bar hopping with people, men or women that you haven't even met yet is insane.

hey bart, very enlightening. thanks for the encouragement. I checked your past posts and some things you write are cold and some are positive so i guess you say what you feel and i respect that, as a matter of fact i would probably say the same thing if it weren't me. ZZ we fell in love working together and just seeing each other everyday. I'm trying to revisit our past greatness and remind both of us what made me soo attractive to her, i'm even dieting very strictly. Went to the doctor and gained 34 pounds in 4 years (you know i've been happy) I read a book that we started when we got together and she ranted about my body so i want to get it back together. I'm trying to get us back on track, i cherish every minute we have together but unfortunately she is so happy just to get out of the house that when i'm home she usually wants to leave so that stinks.Well i'm gonna keep on workin' at it.

Hey all,

I am a 23 yr old woman who has been in a loving relationship for six years. We have a 2 yr old and are coming up on our 1 yr anniversary in a couple months. We recently moved from the only town we've ever lived in to a place over 1000 miles away. We both agree it has been a move we've needed and was a good decision. However, aside from the first two weeks we were here (things were phenominal for us those 2 weeks- it's been 6 or 7), our relationship hasn't been the same. Suddenly it seems he has no interest in fulfilling my emotional needs like he was so good at before without trying. And according to him, I'm now so boring in bed he refuses to make it interesting any longer - I must change or only God knows what will happen. My problem is this, I'm willing to do anything he can possibly think of when it comes to closed doors and making our relationship work (ie sex). But 1)only when my emotional needs have been met and 2)I only know of one way that get my buttons pushed (and trust me we've tried) without fail... so doing things the same (for me) is the sure way to get that feel good you guys seem to come by so easily - no pun intended. I've had half a mind to tell him to go have himself an affair if it'll make him feel better, but he's not the type and I really want to be the one that does it for him. It just seems he's lost his interest in me... and I don't want to stop him if what he really wants is to move on. Any advice? I've never been a very emotional person in my life but lately I've been off the charts and the littlest things set me off in a tailspin. Please help! Also, please respond via e-mail as I am often to busy to be online for more than a few minutes.

CHEFDOM when you say you recently found out she was talking to people on the internet that you werent aware of....how is it that you found out? And did you assume all of the people were women because it was stress/mommy discusion? You find out sometime later she made friends with a gay man and wants to go out with the the man and her striaght friends,Does she have friends that she normally goes out with? friends that you know already?Does she even go out regularly?You work alot of hours and reading your other post you say shes sometimes sleeping before you get home,is there a chance that timing could be one of the things that leads you to beleive shes being sneaky.You say she called you to asl if you would mind,I would think if she were being sneaky she would not have asked or would not have told you who with?or even maybe lied.I think this may just be a difference of oppinion.or point of veiw.I read your wifes post as well and I dont beleive she is trying to find someone else,I think maybe she is just looking for something to take the pressure off being HOUSED,its common in housewives and refering to "PUSHING MY WIFE AWAY" I think she may have been over whelmed with all the changes.I wouldnt jump to conclusions the second she informs you of something 'new".

Hi all...yes i am chefdom's wife. I can not believe the things some of you(including Dom) are thinking. I DID NOT meet all of my friends on Myspace, AND yes i have both male & female friends, but so what? Having friends is not CHEATING..i repeat is not CHEATING. SO i have a little something for all of you, i call it how i see it & i tell it like it is, so here goes...

C_A~ Going out with friends is not a "group date", its a bunch of people who enjoy each others company having fun in the same places, rather than just thru text.
I WENT TO A FRICKEN GAY CLUB PEOPLE, THE LIKELY-HOOD OF "HOOKING- UP" WOULD HAVE BEEN SLIM TO NONE!!!!
I am not having an affair of any sorts, should i be worried that Dom is having an EA or PA here with one of you? Because its the same BS you guys are giving me right now. If i wanted to be with someone else believe me, I would just tell Dom & be done with it..and he knows it.

Bart520~ChefDom didn't "LET" me do anything, I am a grown woman who does what ever she wants, when ever she wants. I called him out of respect for our marriage, but i am my own person. And its not "bar hopping", again IT WAS A GAY CLUB..good music, good friends, interesting atmoshpere..THATS IT! I really hate to be portayed as some bimbo, out doing things a married woman shouldn't while my darling husband looks all devoted & innocent...Dom has done some shady things thru out this marriage, obviously none he cares to post.
Realitycheck~No i don't really have friends that I normally hang out with, I have my sister who lives with us, and we get out once in a while, but normally my only time out is to the grocery store or something along those lines..its really rather sad. I think all of this should have been discussed with me, I don't like my every word & every moved posted on this board, NONE OF YOU KNOW ME, SO NONE OF YOU CAN JUDGE ME. DOm when you see this & i am sure you will, tell them the whole story, not just the parts that make me look like crap....I DON'T CARE IF YOU TELL IT AS LONG AS YOU TELL IT RIGHT..

first off, i hope that i never portrayed my wife in a negative way. I am here to help me. In all my posts i say how you are the best mother and wife.you are not a bimbo or someone who would physically cheat on me. My wife is very strong minded and clear with what she wants, that's why i'm here. You told me to let you find yourself so i try to step back, here i just browse what other people have gone through and when someone automatically says that you are a cheater i disregard them. i know you love me but i know that when you say you are the one with most of the issues that is how you feel but i feel that i have contributed to this. you say the past 8-9 months things have gotten distant (that is my fault) you don't want to work on us right now so i can't come to you with these things. I don't want to be responsible for making you more depressed so i post here to spare you of that. I do want to make myself a better person, for you and also if i treat you in a way that is not loving our kids will pick up on that and i don't want them to someday look back and think that behavior is acceptable. I know i'm a good person and if i got away from what made us so good together , it's not too late to bring that "dom" back. For everything that has happened between us i never would want you out of my life, your personal issues are important to me that's why no matter how i feel i don't portray them to you, i don't want to be selfish. You are the perfect mate for me and if these postings hurt you then i'll stop. I can order the book.