My wife of 5 months and I have been back and forth for quite some time now. The problem comes down to this: my gut response when she tells me she's hurt is to say, "I'm sorry. X thing wasn't what I meant. What I meant was Z."

I know that what she needs is to hear that I understand her feelings and empathize and to apologize.

The thing is that it sneaks up on me so quickly, and in the course of (what feels like) a normal conversation, I've done it without even realizing what's happening, and she's gotten upset.

She says she feels like she has no backup with her feelings, and I understand her hurt; truly I do.

I can't figure out what to do, though... as an example, a recurring theme is that she thinks I gawk at other women. I really don't think I do.

How do I apologize and let her know that I understand she feels that way, but truly, I wasn't... that I was actually looking at X thing, or whatever the case may be?

Do I just drop my justifications and focus on her feelings? Doesn't that give her the unspoken message that yes, indeed, I was looking at other women (when I wasn't)?

How do I stop this and help my wife feel loved and safe when talking to me???

Welcome to MB.

Have you tried looking at her when you're together? She can't accuse you of wandering eyes when they're focused on her.

C

allfrustrated

Ok lets face it we are guys and we do notice. The key is to turn away and not take that second look. The most important thing you can do is to consintrate on your wife. She is feeling insecure. When you are together stay in veiw of her. Not behind her where she can't keep a eye on you while you are together in public places and don't wear sunglasses to hide youy eyes. When ever possible hold her hand or touch her somewhere. Her arm, wrist, back, ect. Give her lots of hugs and kisses and use the words to convey your feelings for her. Be honest and as loving as posible.