A huge love buster for my wife is the way I receive criticism. It is a source for a lot of conflict in our marriage.
Here is a common example:
Wife: "I am really hurt because you have done XYZ"
Husband: "I am sorry you are hurt. What exactly did I do?"
Wife: "I wish you just knew, but if I have to explain it, here it is...<explaination>"
Husband: "I'm sorry hun, but you need to know I didn't say those things. I think you mis-heard me."
Wife: "Great. So I am a liar. You didn't even take a second to validate my feelings!"

Now this example was the couple disagreeing on what was said, but other examples include not agreeing on what was done (maybe if something was cleaned around the house, or how many times the husband scolded the kids, or whatever). It is often a matter of who remembers what. I simply disagree with her recollection of how things happened.
Now, I could just say "Yes Dear" to every point of criticism she brings me, whether I agree with it or not. That would probably make her feel better. But I have found that is very depressing to me, and doesn't help in the long run.
So my question is, how you receive criticism for something you don't think you have done, but also validate the other person so they aren't hurt?

This is just something I don't think I was ever taught by my father/mother!

(bump)
Just wondering if anyone has any advice one this? Its been 6 months and no one has replied. This may sound silly to some, but it is very serious to us. I really would like to know how to deal with someone brings feelings to you that are based on something you don't believe you did. This happens so often, I often don't trust what she is saying. Its almost like she is making things up, and she thinks I am doing the same. I feel like we need to put video cameras all over the house so we have a record of everything that is said and done so there is no arguing over it!

If you repost it on a section with more traffic, like Emotional Needs, it'll get more of a response.

I agree, this one's a toughie.

Here's a question -- does it happen both ways? I know there are things you say that you each remember differently -- is the same true of things she says?



This sounds like a good response so far.


Ok, I can see a problem with your response here. You should never use phrasing like "you need to know that..." to your spouse -- it's disrespectful.


Ok, so what this last bit tells you is that what she is looking for, first and foremost, is some validation of her feelings. If you're willing to do some of that first, *before* you settle the question of what was actually said or not, it might really rearrange this dynamic. It's worth a shot anyway.

Wife: "I am really hurt because you have done XYZ"
Husband: "I am sorry you are hurt. What exactly did I do?"
Wife: "I wish you just knew, but if I have to explain it, here it is...<explaination>"
Husband: "Wow, that's not how I remember it, but I could see how that would hurt you. Can you tell me more about it?"

Take a few minutes to explore her feelings and agree that she has them -- if she says she is hurt, agree that she's hurt, and do what you would normally do for her feeling hurt about something whether or not it has to do with you -- would you hold her for a bit? Long squishy hug? What does she like in the way of a gesture of support when she feels hurt?

Note that none of this involves agreeing that you said exactly what she's saying you said.

Here's a really important part: The above bit of supporting her doesn't need to take very long in terms of time, but it's critical it doesn't feel rushed or cut short.

After a bit, you could say:

Husband: "You know what? I feel hurt too. Can I tell you about it?"
Wife: hopefully replies in some kind of affirmative
Husband: "I feel hurt because I'm sure that I didn't say XYZ, but PQR. I feel hurt and sad and misunderstood."

What do you like from her as a gesture of support when you feel bad about something? If you like a hug, ask for one at this point.

What do you think? Worth a shot?

kaknuk,

Let me see if I understand your logic.

The wife in this exchange expresses hurt because she believes that the husband has said XYZ.

So the husband thinks, this is easy to fix, she has her facts wrong, so if I correct the facts, the yuccky feelings will go away. So he tries to correct the facts.

The wife hasn't heard what she is looking for, validation, so she is unfufilled.

I made those same mistakes. To logical types, it doesn't make sense to us to have strong feeling based on incorrect information.

However, it has been my experience that correcting that information doesn't immediately, or maybe never helps with those feelings.

The wife is looking for the husband to validate her feelings, not correct her.

What MOS says is very true and a great way to address this. So the husband has to control is reaction. If he is confident, he knows he didn't say XYZ, so he doesn't need to go defensive.

Ideally, the H would not go defensive and simply validate the feelings.

Also ideally, the wife would first ask, did you say XYZ before unloading her feelings on her H.

But if it starts the way presented here the H has to work on not going defensive and hearing the feelings as well as the facts. He will go light-years further if he will focus on the feelings before addressing the facts.

HTH,

T

This is an area that H and I have a problem in as well. He ALWAYS has to tell me what I did or didn't hear right, etc. etc. I find that when he just acknowledges what I am saying, I feel so much better. I know that he feels beat up, but I also find that I have less and less to complain about, the more that he listens without deflecting or comparing to something that I have also done. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I think if you can turn it to a positive, it would be to acknowledge her feelings and what she says - it's not a fact finding mission, it's all emotional. You then have to work on how your reaction won't internalize what she is saying. Think of it as a gift that you are giving her because you love her. You are not bad, sick and wrong. You are not the words she says, you are the man that she loves and needs to hear her, hold her, not judge her, etc.

Good luck!

I just wanted to add my .02 here.
I have the same type of problem...When I bring up something my H has done (LB) he denies it by saying it didn't happen, I misheard - he didn't say that, I'm wrong. The fact is I'm not mistaken, he simply denies everything and I'm suppose to take his word for it. (or I'm crazy).
To me this is simply dishonesty and a major LB for me. Of course he can't validate my feelings if it didn't happen, now can he.
If he tried that approach with me I think I would get even angrier. "I understand how you would be upset if that happened. <<hug>> ...BUT it didn't happen!"
Isn't that saying you're sorry someone is hurt and then turning around and denying you hurt them? How does that help?
Of course no one here knows who is remembering correctly in your situation.
I was told (MC) to not offer advice (criticism) unless it was asked for. If it was asked for, the asking party must listen and not deny it! Meanwhile, all should work on avoiding LB's.

A big part of this is how to deliver the criticism.

For example, if you tell your spouse, you don't love me. That is something they can deny. They can respond, "but I do love you."

So you feel your spouse has not validated your feelings. The problem is, you haven't expressed a single feeling, you just blamed someone else without really telling how you feel.

You can't focus on your spouses motives or what they feel. You have to use statements that put specific behaviors with specific feelings.

For example, when you go into the other room to take a call, it reminds me of the affair and makes me nervous. Will you please not leave the room when you take calls.

Your spouse might say that they are not talking to the OP or other facts, and you can acknowlege that and say none of those facts really matter right now, I'm sharing how that behavior makes me feel and again ask that they honor your request.

They might even say your feelings are "wrong." I wouldn't defend them. Instead, simply say, I understand you may feel different and then say isn't it great that we are different people. Avoiding the whole right and wrong thing and not falling into that temptation to point out his feelings that are "wrong" from your perspective.

How we say things to our spouses (or ex-spouses in my case) has great bearing on how they respond. Since we can only address our communication I suggest we start with that.

T