Hello all, I have been stting here reading through some of these posts and have found them all interesting and some very simler to things going on in my own life. My husband and I have been separated for some time now and I had hope the seperation would have given us more time to cool down and think clearly but it only seems to have made things worse. Now when we do talk it seems that we are not even involved in the same conversation. The seperation was suppose to lasted one year and now my husband keeps talking about how wonderful it will be when we are all in the same house again and I am thinking the exact opposit that it is time to call a divorce lawyer. I do still want my family together but only if it is going to be in a healthy relationship. Any suggestions?

In my mind, the most obvious question is:

IS there a clearly defined list of issues and resolutions, spelled out, by which progress can be measured?

Separating for the sake of separating is fine, but w/o clearly defined goals, it serves little purpose.

As you don't share what specifically makes you want to call teh divorce lawyer, it is difficult to offer any more of a suggestion than than.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jaye Mathisen:
<strong> In my mind, the most obvious question is:

IS there a clearly defined list of issues and resolutions, spelled out, by which progress can be measured?

Separating for the sake of separating is fine, but w/o clearly defined goals, it serves little purpose.

As you don't share what specifically makes you want to call teh divorce lawyer, it is difficult to offer any more of a suggestion than than. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jaye Mathisen:
<strong> In my mind, the most obvious question is:

IS there a clearly defined list of issues and resolutions, spelled out, by which progress can be measured?

Separating for the sake of separating is fine, but w/o clearly defined goals, it serves little purpose.

As you don't share what specifically makes you want to call teh divorce lawyer, it is difficult to offer any more of a suggestion than than. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is our bigest problem when we do try to sit down and talk about the problems and what our goals wouled be to correct them we only end up arguing about what is wrong with each other. I have even tried to sit and truly just listen to what my husband needs me to change or do differently but some of his request are just not acceptible to me and when I try to explaine this to him we just start going round and round again. Also I truly do not get a chance to express what things I need to have change. We have tried a few diffrent counclers for our children but he has hated everyone of them because they expressed changes that my husband needed to make in order to help our son develope in a healtier way and it is very hard for my husband to hear any criticism about himself. I guess a better question would be how can I get my husband to sit and listen so that we can have open communication. I don't just want to tell him what is wrong with him but I need him to hear what things I need from him. He has so many good qualities about him but the few bad ones he has developed are really bad.

From your description, there are several dynamics going on that are going to make reconciliation difficult w/o significant change.

I think you need to review the "Concepts' link up at the top, and read through all the material there. Twice. Then go to the Q&A section and look at how Dr. H takes the material in the Concepts section (referred to as BC for Basic COncepts), and applies it to real-world situations.

I would start keeping a journal, and start writing down what you see and experience in these conversations. Start noting the inconsistencies and the issues, so you have a record of them, and can refer back to them if need be to measure any progress.

In terms of what can you do? A lot, and not much. YOu can correct the items that are wrong in your approach. (The arguing, the DJ's, etc just from your own descriptions, you participate in the LB activity). You can straighten out your own life and attitudes, and then you can hope that your H will join you in want to establishing those for himself.

However, since your H is unwilling to accept any criticism, and is apparently of the belief that there is little that needs to change on his part to heal the relationship, I am skeptical that you will see any success.

I don't want to dash your hopes, and I don't want to discourage you, but I also want you to face the reality that you can't change him. And you can't force him to change. And if he chooses not to join you in the healing, you're going to have to decide if you can live with what's left, and subject yourself to that.

It would help if you'd post some specific issues, and possibly share how you'd bring them up, and how you suspect he would respond, so that if part of the issues is presentation, I or somebody here can help you with that.