Does anyone here post on how to help 2nd marriages? I am in my second marriage of 6 years. I brought with it 2 children (now ages 15 and 11) who are well adjusted, good students, great kids and still very close to their real dad (who lives a few miles from us and is very involved/active in their lives) - For information, me and my ex spouse divorced 9 years ago due to a serious drinking problem he had, other women, etc. We are now fairly decent friends and work together good for the kids. My recent husband and I have been married now for 6 years and we have a chlid together who is 3. We did fine the first few years - and recently we are (or me) struggling with communication problems. He isn't OVERLY involved in my older kids sports (says because their dad is there, etc) and he always seems to not like the decisions I make with my ex for our kids. I handle that "alright" but have problems with our intimacy (isn't much) and our communication. He won't talk to me about problems (says I am always right) and he won't go to counseling with me (I have been alone) because he says they don't help people. He doesn't like to go out much with friends, family, or anything. He works a good job but seems down all the time. He says he is happy, nothing is wrong. But, if we have a disagreement and it includes MY 2 kids - he says - I am not helping you or getting involved because you always get mad at me. (Sometimes I do - because his solutions for teens are somewhat one-sided) His solution would be something like "don't let him talk on the phone for 2 weeks" or "don't let him see his girlfriend for a month" (he extremely overdoes things). He can be downright rude to them and not even speak to them when they get home from school or games to ask how they did. They are straight A students, athletes, and involved in school activities and community. Well liked kids. We go to church (without him, he will not go - says his faith is inside and thats good enough) and it seems that we have drifted apart due to the fact that I do so much with my kids and their activities that he refuses to do with me. I am having a tough time trying to play middle man (keeping kids happy and him - as well as the ex and his time with kids) - and I get confused, frustrated. Like I said, he will not go to counseling. Refuses. What do I do? Anyone for stepfamilies with ideas?<br>

It sounds like your husband may be in what Harley refers to as a state of "withdrawal". Something you've done has convinced him that you are too dangerous to get close to. <p>I'll bet your husband would probably also like to have someone to talk to. But, if he experiences it, as you say, "...you always get mad at him," he has probably found talking with you is an exercise in futility and frustration. That is why he withdrew from you. <p>Have you seen the cartoon where the husband explains, "The reason I don't talk to her is I've noticed that's when we have most of our arguments." It turns out men avoid talking about issues because they are afraid things will just blow up. Get worse. Men will stay and talk if there is an agreed upon structure in place for handling disagreements. <p>To work on communication, first you must plan for one-on-one time with your husband -- Harley recommends 15 hours per week, just the two of you, without kids. Perhaps a more realistic goal is to start with a regularly-scheduled weekly "date" and stick with it. (My wife and I -- a second marriage for us both, with kids -- have our regular Friday night dates; that time is sacred to us.) <p>Then you must create a safe environment for conversation. This means agreeing to abstain from what Harley calls "love busters" -- in particular: angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements and selfish demands. <p>You must prove to your husband that you are a safe and pleasant person to be around. Then he will slowly come out of his shell and give you opportunities to re-connect. <br><p>[This message has been edited by John Byers (edited 11-10-98).]

I have definitely tried to do the "date" thing with him, although Friday nites are out as during the week due to the fact he works till around 9 or 10 in the evening. Saturday nites are wide open - and I have suggested that we be together alone more often; but he always has excuses. (It the only time I can work in the yard, on the house, etc. and doesn't want to get a sitter for our 3 yr old). I always suggest to him during a disagreement (like I said, there aren't many because he doesn't talk - so I don't bother much either) that I am NOT always right and I want to hear his side, his opinion and that a solution that is agreeable to BOTH of us is all I want. <br>My biggest problem is the children thing. For instance, last nite my oldest son had his high school (9th grade) football banquet. I wanted him to go with my (my Husband) - and he said he couldn't get off work (now, he can if its for something important, like the races, or a game he wants to go to or something) - nevertheless, maybe he couldn't go - so I got my mother to come to my house and watch the other 2 kids for a couple of hours while I went with my son alone. (His dad also went and sat with some other parents at a separate table from me) When I got home at 8:30 - my husband was home. Got home a little early (but didn't bother to come by the school for the banquet). He never asked, how was it? Did you have fun? Nothing. It was not mentioned. <br>THAT kind of stuff burns me up. <br>But if it were "our" son - even at daycare - he will ALWAYS be there.<br>It hurts and its not fair and we've talked about it.

Cndy,<br>I empathize with your frustration, and your fears. You married your husband assuming he would co-parent with you the two children from your previous marriage. He's not living up to those expectations. He seems willing and able to fulfill the "dad" role with his (and your) child, but not with your (and your ex) children. This is understandably causing you a lot of grief and pain, and the potential grief and pain of (another) divorce seems even worse. <p>I also sense your anger. If your husband is in a state of withdrawal, expressing it in an uncaring manner will only push him further away. I can't defend your husband, but I can suggest a few things for you to think about. This may be helpful in putting a different perspective on the issues and a first step toward creating solutions: <p>1) Presumably, your husband is contributing to the support of your (and your ex) children by providing a roof over their heads, food, clothes, etc. More importantly, he's sharing YOU with them -- and apparently quite a lot of the time. Isn't that evidence that he cares about the relationship?<p>2) If your husband had no children before marrying you, perhaps he found it intimidating to suddenly have two children to "father". He seems to be doing better with his (and your) child -- a gentler "learning curve", and time to bond with the child. <p>3) You know -- he's NOT their dad! Maybe he feels awkward trying to play substitute for your (and your ex) children's real dad, even on a part-time basis. He may feel like a "5th wheel" when he's together with you and your children. It may not seem "fair" to you, but he may feel a lack of integrity to pretend otherwise.<p>It's important to spend time with your children. But it's also important to set a good example for your children by devoting time to building a loving, caring relationship with your husband. Read (and re-read) Harley's "Give and Take" for support on this. Remind your husband that marriage is like the two of you being together in the same "boat" -- it's to his peril to ignore a "leak" just because he thinks it's in your end of the "boat"!

I am rereading Give and Take. In answer to your questions - #1 - yes, he does contribute to their welfare (my kids) by providing a roof over their heads and such (though I make very good money - the same as my husband and my exhusband pays quite a bit of money to me biweekly for child support and has NEVER missed). #2 - maybe he does feel like a fifth wheel - trying to play father to them - but their real dad spends LOTS of time with them (he coaches them which is almost a nightly thing - and he tries to go to all their parent/teacher conferences, etc. My husband does NOT have to take the place of their dad because their dad is "there" for them. He is actually only expected (from me) to be their FRIEND. Thats all I wanted out of this for them a good friend in him. I truly know he does CARE about the relationship or he probably would have bailed long before our child came into this world (he even wants another). I think he just doesn't know "how to show it" and I am also reading Men are From Mars . . . and figuring out that he DOES think and feel differently than I. So I have to respect that and try to work WITH him - and try not to let walls build. I am trying - and will continue. I know frustration will occur - and I'm at a high time for it right now - because I know that I can only really do MY part and it may take a long time to see HIS part happening. But, I married him for life and I'll love him for life. Hopefully, that in itself will be the foundation that we just need to keep growing from. <br>On the flip side, sometimes I have to think that I am overly sensitive (due to the circumstances of having a previous marriage) and want SO much more than I had before. <br>Thanks for your help and if you have more advice - Im willing (and AM) to try anything!

Hey bud....<P>Lost your email when I put my new computer in....email me....<P>Love ya,<BR>Ramy