Help,<p>I am newly married with an old problem. I ignored all the signs and got married even though I should not have. My husband smokes and promised me over and over that he wouldn't do it anymore. I thought it would be different when we married b/c you think that is the ultimate commitment. The big problem with his smoking is b/c he has a family history of heart disease. His two siblings, who are both in their twenties, had heart-attacks and he is older then they are. <p>I don't see my self having children with someone who is so selfish. He promised me (and swore on our marriage) that he would stop. I kept threatening to leave him. Obviously, he doesn't belive me b/c this has been going on for two years. I just caught him again (he hides it well) and am at my wits end.<p>I don't trust him anymore and I don't feel secure. What last ditch effort can I do before it does end in divorce?<p>[This message has been edited by Beth Leigh (edited 12-03-98).]

Beth---<br>I bet you will get responses from people telling you that there are worse t hings. But I understand. <br>Here's what happened to me. My husband promised to quit smoking before we were married. I though he did. Insteaad he used our 14 day honeymoon to try to stop. Ha---that got things off to a good start. Fast forward 10 years and he has still not quit smoking. He has tried the patch, cold trukey, the gum etc. It doesn't bather me anymore that he smokes because I don't even know if we are going to last. But if I was truly in love with him now it owuld. His family has a hisotry of heart diesease. his mother has had a bypass etc... It's going to kill him. He doesn't smoke around the kids. (I think they think he quit) He also doesn't smoke around me. He knows to brush his teeth before kissing me. But we don't kiss that often anyway. I just know that his mood suck when he is trying to quit. And I figure that since he always goes back to smoking that I don't want to put up with his mood swings and him smoking anyway. So I don't do anything anymore. I hope your situation imroves. Is this the only problem you have? (I ask cause we have many others)

If you have no other problems then this is NOT a reason for divorce. I do not mean to belittle the problem but you cannot control him to that degree. Dishonesty is a different issue. If he says he quit and lies then that is wrong. It is equally wrong that you demand he quit and consider divorce for it. Ask yourself is it your love for him causing you to feel this way? It sounds great that you are "concerned for his health" but in the same breath you mention leaving? Do you not see the contradiction here?

Dear Help,<p> As we hate to see someone we love doing something we dont want them to do, It is there life. The commitment is for love and honor and so on. As for smoking to tell someone I will marry you and then you will have to STOP smoking sounds kinda conditional to me and has nothing to do with commitment itself. You can not correct a problem by looking for other problems, You state very clear you did not want to be married and so on, I would address that problem before I worry about smoking. If you dont have the love for this man then dont try to change the man, I personally dont smoke but I understand why you dont like it but you have to face the bigger problem....The Marriage obviously is heading down a road to certain separation and I think there is way more to this than just smoking..It is like a coule that says they dont have sex anymore...You dont seek councilling for the sex...There is a bigger problem in the marriage....and fix that and the sex will come back.....Get my point..You make it very clear you should not have married this man....So save you both the trouble and not control him and both of you move on with your lives.

Beth---Just want you to know that I do understand where you are coming from. If it is anything like my situation we talked about getting married before he asked. I always said I didn't want to be married to a smoker. HE ALWAYS KNEW THAT. If was kind of a condition of getting married. he didn't ask and then 2 weeks before the date I say OK---I'll go through it only if you stop smoking. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one who lied and broke a promise. But we have more to worry about atthis point.

I do smoke at this time. Started right up again after the violence and husbands infidelity. It is my current coping mechanism, as well as a big ugly habit. Nope I am not perfect and truly enjoy the flavor! But I have quit smoking several times, for up to 7 yrs in one stretch.Since I have such a problem with it, I never say I am an ex-smoker or a smoker because that seems a label! What works for me is stating that I am currently smoking or I am not. It has nothing to do with self destruction, or not caring about health-I am very active, workout daily, run, etc. I am just simply an addict. What seems to work in my house is respect! I never smoke in the home, even if it is snowing. I do sometimes smoke in my car, but only if alone, and never in his car. I never smoke at work, and few people know I do smoke!I avoid all places that encourage smoking just to keep myself in check. What made me take these measures while I am in a smoking mode is that it was hard for my family to see me smoke! The nagging was constant. They have finally accepted this compromise, though they don't like it. Sometimes there is the control issue inthis as well. Smoking grew to be a private personal moment-sort of like a sick meditation! It is not perfect, and I am sure some of the psych people will think I am over the edge. I will quit again, and probably again after that! It really is a very individual thing-some cannot overcome it easily while others can. Be patient, work out a compromise so trust is no longer in the game, and he will do it when he is ready.

I am a smoker, have been for 31 years. I have quit on a number of occassions, the longest was 7 months.<p>When my wife and I separated, she told the counselor that one reason was my smoking and that it affected her. Something she had never mentioned before. I stopped, cold turkey. She claims she has painted the house with a special paint to cover the toxicity (sp). I met with her about three weeks ago and she told me how proud she was that I had stopped, three days later she filed for divorce.<p>I had an anxiety attack, got the shakes and now smoke again.<p>Smoking is not, was not the problem in my marriage, there were other problems, much deeper. She is using smoking as an excuse. She is also using alot of other small things as excuses, it takes two to tango. I've made mistakes, as has she.<p>Our biggest problem is that she does not WANT to try to resolve our problems, she is giving up on 14 years, this hurts.<p>I would have given up smoking earlier, if I knew that was a problem. Communication is key.<p>My prayers are with you.<p>