My husband and I are in our early forties and were married a little over a year ago. I was never married before and my husband was married briefly about 5 years ago. Neither of us have children. He has waivered back and forth on the issue of having children and recently informed me that he does not want a child because of the lifestyle change. We did have a miscarriage last year and he knows how important this is to me. He has always been so wonderful with children and we did discuss this before marriage. He did agree to have a family and even a couple of weeks ago he discussed trying again. I do love my husband very much I do take my vows seriously, but I don't want to turn into a bitter, resentful person over this. Also, at my age I'm not sure if I can conceive, even though my doctor doesn't see a problem, and I was hoping that we could put in a real effort. I don't want to hate my husband over this and it seems that on a daily basis I'm being questioned by friends, relatives and even acquaintances on whether or not I'm pregnant. Maybe because this is so new and "final" I'm especially sensitive. I have no intentions of leaving my husband, but I need assistance in dealing with my resentment and anger. Thanks for your advise!<br>

Betsy,<p> You really need to continue to discuss this at length with your H. It sound like he could "go either way" on the decision, and you probably can "work out" how to best handle the lifestyle changes (especially if that's his only concern) It sounds too important to you to just go on as you are (until it becomes too late!)<p> On the other hand (depending how religious you are) you may leave it in God's hands. If you believe that God is in control, you may conclude that you will or won't conceive based on His will. (obviously, using birth control is stacking the odds )<p> You and your H must come to an agreement on this. Since you mention "resentment and anger", it seems that you're not happy with not having children. Talk, talk, talk!<p>Best of luck,<br>(or, God Bless you - depending on how religious you are! )<p>Val

Val,<p>Thanks for your words of encouragement! My husband does want this to be in gods hands. Maybe there is hope for us yet!<p>-B<br>

Um, Betsy, please forgive my raining on the parade! I know this is a marriage forum, but a lot of people don't hear the child's side of life in the case of over-fourty parenthood. I and a younger sibling are the product of post-40 parents; we too were our mother's first batch. Our father was having the same concerns as your husband seems to be having--and perhaps he is right. Sorry, everyone! My father was willing to go ahead eventually after many months of tears from my mom and along came me, then a few years later, the younger sib.<p>My parents soon found themselves resenting those missed retirement years with each other romping around the world with the retirement funds. They both tried to hide this disappointment, but kids are much more observant than most people realize. My sib and I found ourselves playing parent to each other and caring entirely for ourselves at a very young age--younger than we probably should have. Kids are a lot more hurt than they let on when the parents are too tired to play, too far behind to help with homework, when the child is suddenly thrust into raising a younger sib because the parents are too worn out, and it is very scary to them when all around them, relatives are dropping like flies.<p>By the time we got out of high school, there was no money for college and no family members left to turn to for help of any kind, forcing us to work full-time, school full-time--and caring for both parents full-time as they had reached and surpassed the onset of heart attacks, strokes, cancer, Alzheimer's, osteoporosis, and arthritis, etc. I had just married and was trying to start a new life and my sib was just getting into the dating scene--which all quickly came to a dead end with all the extreme care needs.<p>With the cost of nurses, around the clock sitters and aides to cover when we needed to work or go to class, the expenses piled up. We had no time to start our own careers, our own families, our own anything; and now that they have passed away, there is nothing left for an inheritance to even give us a start financially. Yes, my husband and I were even homeless for nearly a year as the parental house had to be sold to cover the bills (we couldn't get help from his parents as they were going through a very, very nasty divorce that dragged on for years). I have to give H quite a bit of credit for still being here today! What a married life!<p>My parents thought that they had covered all the bases. That all the financial concerns were handled. That they were in great medical shape. I know that even younger parents can have the same risks, but I still don't think it's worth it. Because of all the years gone managing their care, and trying to dig ourselves back out of the streets, we are in no shape for a family of our own--and time is running out. If we are going to have children, we too will have to wait until late in life. And having seen the other side, I just can't do it. It is a very excruciating decision for me and my husband, but I can't condemn my child's life like mine was. Instead, my husband and I are getting involved in mentoring progams, VBS, and becoming the "cool" adults on the block that the neighborhood kids can turn to when Mom and Dad just don't seem to "get it."<p>Maybe your husband is concerned about some of this. With midlife, pending retirement, maybe even past childhood concerns of his own, he may be worried about things he hasn't mentioned. I agree with everyone at this wonderful site--talk to him and try to understand his fears. They may be very valid.<p>Wishing the best--and please pray about this decision.

Evelyn - A little rain never hurt anyone <p> But seriously, all of the concerns you bring up are valid - but not really any more valid than concerns that should be considered by a 21-year-old couple having kids.<p> Financially, older parents can be more stable, established, and honestly, smarter than the 21-year-olds. My parents had no money to send me to college either - even though my parents were "average" age for having kids. (none of we 4 kids got "sent" to college.) I think the expectation of being sent to college is a bit much anyway. I worked my way through city college, just like lots of "kids".<p> Additionally, the expectation of inhereting your parents estate is not realistic in this day and age. With property taxes, cost of living increases, etc, it's getting more and more rare for people who have done everthing "right" to enjoy a "nice" retirement anyway. My parents will leave me some household goods and maybe a few bucks from pensions when they die. My wife's parents had only their home and about $10,000 in a CD to split among 3 sibs. It was nice to get that but it didn't "make or break" us. (BTW, "retirement" in the traditional sense is becoming a thing of the past. Unless you've invested VERY shrewdly, or win the lottery, you should expect to work until you no longer can. My father in law was "forced" to retire from his company after many years. He soon lost his purpose for living because of this and died only 2 years later.)<p> Health concerns are valid too, but as you know, life comes without guarantees. I'm 39 and in good health, but I could go home at any time. My father was recently diagnosed with inoperable cancer at 72, yet his older brother is 87 and very strong, healthy and active. I just went to the wake of a 55-year-old coworker who died of a heart attack. Two of my best friends buried their fathers when they (the fathers)were in their early 40's.<p> Want guarantees? Buy a VCR. Life doesn't work that way.<p> My wife and I decided not to have kids before we even got married. Do we regret it? Hard to say. True, we enjoy a higher lifestyle than we could if we raised kids the way we believe they should be raised (as in a parent stays home with them) but every so often, I wonder what it would be like to raise a son or daughter. <p> So, Betsy, Evelyn is right about concerns, but as I said above, you get no guarantees. You roll the dice and you take what God (or fate, if you like) gives you. If you're worried about health or money problems, you can structure things to provide as best as possible for those eventualities. <p> Bottom line - if you're waiting for the "perfect" conditions, you'll wait forever. If everbody did that, the human race would have died out years ago.<p>Betsy: Consider all things, then do what you decide. In hindsight, you may think you made the wrong decision from time to time, but that's how life is. It sounds like this is TOO important to you to be unhappy with your dscision. <p>I wish you all the best!<p>Val<br><p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 12-29-98).]

Evelyn,<p>Thank you for passing on your personal experience with having older parents and I'm sorry that their age has had the negative ramifications that you stated in your reply. My husband and I are both 42 and I guess I still feel pretty young or maybe I'm in denial. We both run, rollerblade and are long distance cyclists (100+ miles in a day). My parents were very young when I was born and I never remember them being as active. The good news is that my husband has been more supportive in starting a family. The rest is in Gods hands.<p>I hope you and your husband have a very happy new year.<p>Betsy

Val,<p>Thanks for lifting my spirits with your reply. My husband has also been more supportive.<p>I wish you a very happy new year!<p>Betsy