<br> posted 01-10-99 09:56 PM CT (US) <p><br> Question: I'm 40 years of age and contemplating marriage with a woman I've been<br> seeing for six years. Sex is great between us however I'm not sure if what I feel is love.<p> My job brings me in contact with other women and I fantasize yet I realize my lady<br> friend would leave me if she ever caught me cheating. However I feel I would if I could<br> get away with it. <p> My lady friend will not wait any longer and either we marry or she leaves. So we are<br> setting a date. Friends have told me that if you are having doubts about your marriage<br> you shouldn't go through, but I'm not sure if such confusion is normal. <p> I care for my girlfriend a great deal and we have been through a lot<br> together, but I am not sure how to read my feelings. I've often thought it's a 50-50<br> proposition and I have constructed a pre-marriage agreement so I'll give it a try. <p> But at the same time I'm thinking I could do "better." Yet don't really know what better<br> is except perhaps "younger" (my lady friend is 33). <p> I can't decide if what I feel is love. Or if I'm extremely emotionally co-dependent on this<br> woman after the years we've been together. <p> At a loss with what I feel. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

John - <br>marriage is NOT a 50/50 proposition, it is a 100/100 proposition. Please be sure to define what marriage means to yoursef, and what it means to your possibly future spouse. Based on your post, looks like you are not sure what marriage is all about.<p>Read through this site - especiaaly about satisfying each other's needs - are there needs that you need satisfied, will you be able to satisfy HER needs?<p>Speaking form experience (and maybe you have some of your own...) a breakup is a terrible thing - don't set yourself up poorly to start with - make sure you want to be with each other for the rest of your life - not util someone better comes along.<p>Janet

John,<p>Ditto what Janet said. You have the (enviable) situation of not being married yet. (Not that I'm bashing marriage or anything.) NOW is definitely the time to make sure that you have all the questions answered and groundwork laid to guarantee a successful marriage. <p>You need to make sure that marriage is right for you, not just this marriage, any marriage. Your lady's pressure is not a good reason to jump in, but it may be incentive to really think hard about it. <p> You say the only thing that might be "better" is "younger". Would that really be better? She's already 7 years your junior, would a wider age spread bring up other problems? Would you want someone still younger in another few years? Have you and she discussed your age difference in the past?<p>I'm not saying "don't do it", nor am I saying "yeah, better do it". Just that you have the chance to look at any problems you may encounter in the future and to fix them NOW, while you still have options. <p>As for having doubts, who doesn't? Maybe if I had waited a few years (I got married at 23) I would have been wiser and had more doubts too. Do you have specific doubts? Address them. <p>Is your sex life good enough? (don't count on it getting better - though it could happen)<p>Are you both happy with the financial situation?<p>Are you both decided about kids/no kids?<p>Are you both in-sync faith-wise? <p>Just asking questions that I should have asked myself 15 years ago.<p>You're not sure if what you're feeling is love. I'm not sure how "love" is properly defined. Maybe someone can enlighten us on that one. Sometimes I have trouble explaining it in tangible terms. <p>Best of luck, John.<p>Val

In addition to the last post - questions you should be asking yourself - Do you both share the same goals and visions of what your life together will be? Do you agree about where you want to be in 5 or 10 years? <p>I know that if I were about to be married, I would want my husband to be committed 100%. Doesn't sound like you are. If it's your lady friend's disapproval that is keeping you from cheating, and her insistence that is causing you to set a marriage date, this is a warning flag. It should be your heart that is telling you what to do.

John,<p>One good pastor friend of mine says "it is better to be single and wish you were married, than be married and wish you were single." Another one says, "when in doubt, don't."<p>Marriage is not simply a committment between you and your lady friend. It is a committment or vow the two of you make to God. And since you have so much doubt about whether or not you love her or just dependent on her. You have been with her six years and she has given you the ultimatum. If you are truly not sure, you owe that much to her to be honest and tell her that NOW is not the time to get married. I also, am not saying that you should or should not, just not now. You have far too many questions about what you feel for her, let alone marriage. <p>I do think, pre-marital counseling is good. Ask all the questions you can. As a matter of fact, whatever questions you have now, start making a list of them so you can ask you counselor. And suggest to your girlfriend that she do the same. <p>As Janet said, marriage is 100/100 proposition. You give your 100% and she gives her 100%. If either of you give any less the marriage will go lacking. <p>Good sex does not a good marriage make. Marriage is much more than sex. And if you are still just having sex and not 'making love' than, you really have some things you need to sort out before you (either of you) make that big step.