My husband and I have been married just over a year, and although our relationship is much better than when we were dating, we still have some major hurdles. The reason I am posting a new string is b/c it seems that everyone had a good pre-marital relationship... and my husband and I did not really have that. A few reasons for that are 1) his impotence created an anger in him... even though I was accepting of it and although we didn't have sex, I made sure he was satisfied (which I later realized was often at my own expense) 2) I left a job while we were still dating and even though I had a job offer right away, declined b/c it was only part time... so I took temp jobs... b/c he couldn't stand that I was not working even though he had no obligations to me.<p>Through all of this mess, we decided that we learned from each other and we had the same goals and what I thought was a mutaul respect for one another... so we married.<p>I had a string of illnesses in the months preceding the marriage all related to trying to go into the office so that he could feel that I was feeling better. However, going into work with bronchitis and pneumonia made me worse. The wedding day I had a reaction to antibiotics that I had taken and ended up in the hospital with a colonoscopy. 2 months later I was given a remarkably clean bill of health... the majic ingredient... I stayed home to get better, which he agreed to as long as it was temporary. So our negotiating was in place at that point... something we both agreed to.<p>Then, a few months later we had a surprize pregnancy which was regarded as a good thing until I became so tired that I was not able to carry on as usual. I asked if I could stop work so that I could make sure that I was able to eat properly and rest often, and he said that I could starting at the end of July (which was another month and a half away... and into the second trimester when I would more than likely be feeling better anyway. I ended up having to carry out my house work and garden pruning as usual, which was too much for my fragile pregnancy to take (a fibroid tumor was making it high risk). I ended up on bedrest at the beginning of July and then eventually miscarrying on July 19th. I felt so unappreciated and unlistened to that he was not taking my concern seriously. He got his wish b/c by July 19th there was no longer a need for me to stop work... but I did anyway. I hate to admit this, but I had to pretend that I felt worse than I did just so that I could finally get the rest I needed to get my strength back for a surgery which was going to be necessary to remove the fibroid. I had to lie to everyone, I felt fine, but was living this charade b/c going back to work was not in my best interest and my husband would have had it no other way.<p>Now, after recovering from this entire ordeal of a first year of marriage, I have been home since the summer with the exception of a month employment in October when I decided to give work a try again... I ended up getting sick anyway. My husband has now decided that he likes having me home... so we have discussed the prospect of staying home and we are both comfortable with the idea<p>I feel like we came to our agreement in the wrong way b/c I was tired of always doing only what he wanted me to do (in all areas) that I was going to make one area mine. We were just lucky that it turned out to be something that we both really wanted in the end.<p>My fear is that I also falsely accepted his impotence. I thought I was OK with it b/c I felt bad for him, but I did not think about what my real needs were going to be in a marriage. I told myself that I could live without sexual intercourse... with the exception of procreation b/c I do know how to get him to that point it just requires an insane amount of energy on my part. Perhaps if I didn't know the pleasure of intercourse, and the intimacy it brings to a relationship I wouldn't be feeling this way now. But I feel like our negotiating on this topic is weak b/c he does not want to get help... he says he's only going to therapy b/c I want us to go... now he's the only placating to me. I want him to want to have sex with me, his wife, but as he declined my attempts on our honeymoon, he is still resistant. How can we negotiate for each of us to feel satisfied, without any games or lies? Thanks, sorry for such a long post.<p>Miranda

Wow, so much to deal with, first year of marriage or not. I hardly feel qualified to give any advice, but wanted you to know that I know how it feels to not be sure if the H is doing something because he is genuinely trying to respond to a wife's need, or if he is simply placating her. Try reading Dr. Harley's books - they've really opened my eyes. And try to remain positive, for your health's sake.

Miranda - I'm not sure I understand your situation entirely...is it that financially you don't have to work, and that you like domesticity? While we DO need my extra paycheck, I doubt I'd like staying at home full-time. My kids are school-aged. I loved staying home when they were babies, one of the most precious times in my life. But now I'd feel lonely and bored keeping house without outside work interests and the feeling of contributing. Looking forward to reading your reply.

I enjoyed staying home full time, I was unfortunately recovering from a horrible miscarriage that had me bleeding for over three weeks. I had LOST 10 pounds during my 12th week of pregnancy (and the baby was still growing), while I was losing all the blood. It took a considerabe amount of time to just get energy back enough to do regular chores. Plus, just when I thought I was beginning to feel better, I had to look forward to (ha ha) abdominal surgery to take out a grapefruit size fibroid tumor! That had me weak for a month and when I began exercising, my energy sapped out very quickly. Now, I am working part time for a little extra $, and will probably continue to do so for a while. <br>We are in sex therapy, which he now enjoys going to... it has helped us iron out many relationship things as well. My first post was written right after I found out, in therapy, from my husband, that he wasn't honest with me about wanting a baby last year when we decided to get pregnant. It painfully explained why he acted the way he did towards me during that lost pregnancy... but that still does not excuse having treated me that way, rather it puts a new spin on things. We really have a strong base to work from, we just had to deal with difficulty after difficulty starting very early on in our relationship which took away from that fun time most couples have early on. Our first difficulty came at about 41/2 months after we started dating when we had a surprise pregnancy (which was also miscarried) literally a surprise... it was one of those pregnancies that came from just "fooling around" without intercourse! I guess his little fella was close enough. I mean can you imagine having dated for such a short time and then to face a pregnancy, which he said he would marry me for, and then in all the fuss to lose the pregnancy in one fell swoop on Father's Day just as I arrived to greet his family for brunch! It sounds like a movie drama or comedy of errors, but this is our life! <p>As for work, I am a person who loves alone time/home time, and love our home to boot, so no I don't get bored staying at home... I always find something to do or take pleasure in not doing and just relaxing for a moment between cleaning tasks and cooking. Then there's always the internet...<p>Miranda

Years ago, in a church library I listened to a sex tape on how to overcome impotency with a partner, takes work. There are also books out and now Bob Dole has come out with a commercial on E.D. I am sure this is a great ego buster for your husband. But there is hope if HE is willing to seek it. I have not had sex with my husband for 4 years, it is killer, killer, killer. It is such an important part of marriage for me, that's WHY I got married!!! It hurts emotionally and I have felt like I have been missing an important part of intimacy in my life. BTW, my husband is not impotent, he just doesn't want sex with me . JADE

Jade, You are right about Bob Dole being an ego buster for my husband (my husband is sooo much younger than Bob, and has always had ED, whereas Bob probably has the age induced kind), although I think its great that Bob is getting the topic out in the open to try to heal the embarassment involved for men with ED. I wish men weren't embarassed about ED, there is such a stigma attached to it though that they can't help be anything but. I always reassure my husband that I love him for who he is, and that he pleases me in many ways... unfortunately, its not enough b/c he wants to be able to JUST DO IT (like the NIKE adds used to say), so he gets angry and acts out. If its hard to live with these outbusts on the recieving end, it must be doubly frustrating to actually be him. <p>I can also understand how you feel when you say your husband doesn't want to have sex with you , b/c before therapy, my husband was still so resentful of all my illness and surgery over the last 2 years, that he didn't want to have sex with me... besides the fact that he couldn't. It can make a person feel so unloved, rejected, undesirble and confused and lonely... and this is supposed to marital bliss... one in this situation will ask him/herself. I listened to tapes, and they worked great for boosting my hope and desire, but I wasn't the one who needed boosting. Lucky for our marriage I am just a pot of optimism. <br>Unfortunately, someone has to be ready for help to change, it can't be forced. It took 2 years of my being ready for help with our sex life before he was finally ready. I will share with you what did the trick... I was reading this article written by a woman who had been living with an impotent husband for 16 years... and she was talking about how by going day to day with their lives, they didn't know how bad things had gotten, the wife had an empty feeling all along though that just built with each passing year. She was craving the love and respect and closeness that comes out of a sexually healthy marriage and had just had it. She demanded that he join her in therapy. They went to therapy, but he was shocked that there was even a problem. In therapy, they discovered that the lack of sex had sapped their love for one another too much for repair and they divorced. I cried and cried when I was reading the article b/c I was so scared the same would happen to us, so I printed it out and said to my husband that this article put into words all my fears of what would become of our marriage and us if we didn't do something now. He read the artcle and reacted with "Wow, I didn't know your feelings were this strong and you were so concerned." He agreed to therapy and although it has been revealing alot of unspoken truths that were somewhat painful, I owe the internet and this woman's article my life for helping save my marriage.<p>I am rarely someone who is short winded, even when I intend to be, so please bare with my long posts, and I appreciate all of your replies.<p>Miranda