My husband of nearly 12 years recently separated from me. He says he no longer loves me or is in love with me. It is tearing me apart. He says he does not want to go to counseling. In the next breath, he says he does not want a divorce. I dont know what to think. Is there anything I can do to make this marriage work? He is so formal with me when we talk,but I know after all these years that he still feels something for me. Call it a gut feeling. The weekend before he left, he took me out for a night on the town and we had a great time. Talked like we havent talked in years. He says I am his best friend. Any suggestions?? I am willing to do anything it takes to have my husband back. I miss him terribly and love him with all of my heart. <p>Lisa

Lisa, I have no answers for you; all I can offer is an ear and listening.<p>My husband of 12 years and I are not separated, but we have been having terrible communication problems triggered by his friendship with a female former co-worker and my self-esteem issues about it. He also, I know, would refuse counseling.<p>I don't know that there's anything you can do on your own to save your marriage, but you can do something on your own to save your own self-esteem. I suggest that you seek counseling for yourself, NOW, because however this turns out, there's at least short-term damage to you. <p>It sounds like your husband may be similar to mine in that he has no idea how he feels, and no idea how to even get in touch with how he feels. You cannot make him do that. <p>Find a counselor who will be sympathetic to your desire to restore your marriage if you can. When I had trouble with my husband's depression I went to one visit with a counselor who advised me to throw him out and divorce him. This is not what you want. Your game plan right now ought to be to work on yourself, so if it looks like he won't be coming back, you have the courage to say "Enough!" when the time is right. That's what I plan to do.<p>If you want to talk, E-mail me: hackwriter@ivillage.com.

Lisa,my H told me exactly the same things, and more. He didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me anymore, didn't enjoy my company ( actually when one day I suggested for us to start from the begining and go out for dinner and just relax he told me he would only do that with someone he liked, so I take it he felt like he didn't even like me at that point).He didn't want to work on our marriage, he didn't want counselling, he didn't want to live with me.He told me he would definitly leave as soon as he was able to save enough money for an apartment, and at the same time, started to spend money instead of saving it. Buying things that weren't needed or important, and that part was the only thing that didn't add up. His affair was the most important thing to him at that time, and worse he didn't even feel guilty for having the affair. Oh we talked, oe than we had done in years, but nothing seemed to get trought to him.A 20 yr relationship seemed to be going down the drain really fast.<br>However, I can say now that my marriage is back, and my caring husband too. So it can work. But it needs a lot of work, a lot of looking back to see what might not be working to well, and then try to fix it, and a committment not to be disapointed when things don't seem to be working well.<br>I suggest that you let him see that you are willing to work hard to make your marriage work, but don't push him hard, he might not feel like working on it at this time. Whatever you do, make sure that you are confortable with your choice and then stick with it, make sure that you have some counseling if possible and do things that make you feel good inside and out: try to relax and concentrate on keeping your self confidence high, buy a new outfit or get the haircut you've been thinking about. Whatever changes you make, do them for you, not just to please him.<br>Take care<br>Katya<br>

Thank you for responding to my post. Things seem like they are at an all time low right now. I have to try to keep a positive attitude. Believing that things will work out. Like the saying goes...its not over until it is over! I went to the bookstore and found several books that teach you how to work on your marriage even if your partner does not want to at this time. Not a guarantee, of course, but something to look into. If it does not help my marriage, it will help in any future relationships I may find myself in. Hope for the best, expect the worse, that is what I am told over and over again. There is always that possibility that things will work out well. I have to keep the faith. My love for my husband is so strong and it seems the further he pushes me away, the stronger my love is. I really cannot see us not together in the long run. I truly believe we are meant to be together. Maybe that is just wishful thinking, but even when I am feeling my lowest, I still feel that. My older daughter always says, mommy, why are you crying?? you know he is going to come home. Maybe there is something to say about "gut" feelings. I dont know. I am rambling on and I do apologize. Feels good to get my feelings out. If you should ever want to read a good book, I suggest..Getting Back Together...by Bettie Youngs Bilicki and Masa Goetz. Somehow just reading it helps you to believe that things will be ok. Gives you the confidence you need when you are feeling that desperate or hopeless feeling. Thank you again for letting me vent.<p>Best of luck to you,<br>Lisa<br>