Have been separated since July 1998. Too long for me. My wife still has divorce action pending but not active. I keep asking "when" the answer is "not interested in discussing" I am paying for most things. She worked low wages Nov.through mid Feb. She said several months ago "we need to go counseling then you can come home" That was in Sept. 98 we have waited and waited and had only one session with our 2 daughters 1 and 15 yrs. old. The 15 yr. old is not co operating uttering things like "if dad returns, I will leave or, will kill myself" The problems were many but mostly my nagging about a messy house. Even at this stage my wife is doing no work at home.Since the separation in July 98 I have been into several courses in Anger Management, Parenting for Men and regular church attendance+seminars. My wife is a long time Christian but it looks like I drifted away after accepting Christ just before we got married in Aug.1981<p>The counseling is stressful as it takes long waits, dropping everything to be at counselor's office at 2pm. and the last one set for 18th Feb. did not happen since the counselor was sick and left a message on my wife's answr.machine and never said anything to me. If we could implement Dr. Harley's "Joint Agreement" we will do well. We both got married for the first time and we were over 35 and now I can see that even the fact that my wife continued to use her maiden name (she had signing authority on her employer's abnk account and did not wish to go through all the changes)is now hurting us. Shge accuses me of "I wasn't good enough to carry your name" Yes, there are alot of things I would do different. Would I marry the same person? Yes I would. I would be aware of Dr. Harley's "Her Needs/His Needs" alot more and alot more TLC in my relationships. We went, last weekend, to my wife's Grandma's funeral. She was 98 yr. 2 months and 2 days. I am hoping that that will make difference in her attitude? We are in our mid fifties. No time to divorce. We both love our daughters very much. My wife has taken absolutely no counseling. She doesn't refuse it but does seek it either.<p>I do alot of reading and writing and my emotional state is not very good to work and earn money. So more money problems to already a chaotic situation. She thinks I should be putting out more. I explain that the condidtions I live under (so I don't take away from my family) are terrible and emotionally I am a mess and unable to perform. I ask "how would you like to drive up to your own property and not be able to set foot beyond the sidewalk? and yet still pay for it all?" The house needed a new furnace and I did the "right" thing of going further in debt by $2,600 so that my wife and 2 gilrls could be safe. Even if I never see the inside of this house again.<p>I do feel discouraged when my 15 yr.old daughter disallows Mom that she has a school band concert so I can attend? I am reluctently told about it after the fact. She has no trouble to hound me for money for the latest clothes. Are all 15 yr. olds so mean to their Dad? Fortunately the younger one is quite close to me. So I a spend as much time with her. Any one have any ideas? Does anyone know "therapy groups" ? Counselors are fine but most of us cannot afford them. Thank you for listening.

I dont know that all 15 year olds are like that me and my father are very close and always have been. my father and mother were seperated when I was about that age it was hard but my parents worked through it she is probably just upset you both are having problems, so many other things are probably going on in her life right now at that age its a real confusing time just be a good listener to her and take her feelings into account.

Hi Rose:<p>Thanks for the encouraging words. I drive her and friend to bus stop most mornings. Also to school Tuesdays and Thursdays. She asked me to drive them tomorrow morning, Monday the 1st March. Yes, things keep improving. I am doing even better with my 10 yrs. old daughter. My wife will eventually see the changes? She denies the improvements<br>and accuses me of "owning everyone" with my <br>communication skills. Her low self-esteem has been a serious problem for us. Now that I a realize she needs emotional and other support she rejects it? Thanks again for your comments. <p>Gary

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Hi HollyAnn:<p>Your comments are well taken and I am familiar with Dr.Dobson's materials. I have been abusive for a long time. Verbal is bad enough. We are going to the counselor (only the second time) w/o our 10 and 15 yr.old girls. I am looking forward to it. She arranged the session all by herself (usually I have to do it) and yesterday she told me "Wait till you find out how mad I am at you" I asked if we needed a counselor for her to open her heart? Whatever it takes to heal her hurt I ma willing to take on. My wife was right in filing for divorce. It kicked my butt all the way to my brain and I turned to the Lord. I had accepted HIM just before we got married but drufted away...until 25 Aug.98. I did a 180 degree turn. Now carrying on and being unable to claim God's Grace, Power and Peace is where she needs to be helped. My W is a longer time Christian and her entire family too and they disgaree with the way she is carrying on. Separation, pending divorce action, constant anger and threats. These are not the way she used to be. She is 53 yrs. old and I am 54 it's a very difficult time for her. I keep asking to return home so I can lovingly instruct our teenager rather than Mom having to fight all the time. I will continue to love her and my girls and do what I can to bring healing to our damaged relationship. I wish more guys would feel like I do I really love my family and the stress of my business and lack of knowledge is what brought on the abuse. I am not trying to minimize. Thanks for your writing. Shalom.

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Thanks HollyAnn. My wife is a long time Christian and she wouldn't have married me if I hadn't accepted the Lord in Aug.1981. The day after we had our first date. Ano no I was not with her at church that morning. And she was ecstatic. Unfortunately, after we got married, April 1982, I slid and continued to drift. She has become discouraged and bitter. She says "why should I go to church? no one accepts me there?" She has low self esteem and I didn't help all these years. Tomorrow, Tuesday 9th March we are seeing a Christian counselor. I am hopeful. And yes she will dump on me and/or<br>counselor and I am ready and willing. With God everything is possible. Read Proverbs 18:22