About 7 weeks ago my wife told me she was unhappy and leaving. "It isn't there anymore" was her reasoning. Since then we've had some contact. We went to marriage counseling twice. The first time she seemed very angry. The second time I saw she was very emotional. However she feels that we would just be wasting our time and money by going back to counseling. <p>I'm 27 she is 24. We've been together for five years, living together for 3 years and married for the past year. She never appeared to be unhappy to me but I guess when I looked back on it I guess there were times that I should of saw. <p>She has talked about divorce since the first week yet nothing has yet been done. It seems weird to me that whenever we happen to face each other she seems to be upset and I even caught her with tears in her eyes a few times. In our last face to face meeting she gave me some looks which I haven't seen in awhile. I called these loving looks. Looks of extreme care. I don't understand what this means. Why would she appear upset yet still be so set on a divorce? It seems when she is around people intimatly involved in the situation she becomes a softer person. Over the telephone she seems like a different person and this is what she is doing.<p>I think the problem was her emotional needs were not met. Since the day she left I have learned so much of what she needs. Things she never told me before. I love this girl more than anything. I will do anything to save this marriage. She doesn't seem willing to try. Is there anything I can do or am I wishing on hope that isn't there? <p>The girl I married would never do such a thing like this. Yet I see no indications of her mind ever changing. I think time could be the only answer. I think even if she files for a divorce I still have of chance because her current behavior is not her. Any advice or personal experiences with this would be greatly appreciated.<br>

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Thank you Holly Ann for your reply. The only problem I forsee is how can I show her the changes which I am making. If we have limited contact it appears that this may be a problem. I wish I could see her to talk to her but it appears as though those situations are limited. Is there any logical way to show her that I am changing for the better and I can do the things that she needs.

Hi: Just do the changing! And be patient. I have benn doing alot of changing" since last Aug.98 and my wife si denying my changes. Maybe a younger woman (my wife is 53 and we are married since 1982) with less time hurting will recover better, faster. Keep your own work. She will eventually see it to. I don't know how HollyAnn has all this "whiz bang" (this is slang for wisdom" but she sure knows what to tell all of us. Thanks HollAnn. Now I will go read what you have given me from your wisdom!

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I was trying to push my way on her when all this started out(separation). Since then I've been trying to keep my distance. I have already sent her a letter basically stating what Holly Ann reiterated in her last reply. I pray everyday and do feel myself getting stronger. My job has started to get easier for me. My everyday life seems to becoming more on track. And I have a strong feeling she will return in time. I am working hard on eliminating all my love busters. I believe my biggest problem with those were some of my annoying behaviors that my W would let me know about from time to time. I should have been a better listener than burst out angrily at her. However my W knows some of the changes I have made and at times actually seems to listen to me about this when I'm given the chance. I know time and space are my only answers. I have learned so much about her and myself these past two months. I pray everyday that this will all turn around. I strongly feel in my heart that it will. I just need to give it time to take its course.

My W spoke to her uncle whom she is very close with. He happened to call me and tell me what was said. Her words were "I love him but don't feel I love him the way I should love my husband. It just isn't right." I heard that from her before when our separation started. She did seem somewhat upset. Their conversation took place over the telephone. <p>I have heard three different reasons why a divorce has not yet been filed. 1) The counseler asked me to hold off. 2) Financially not able to do it yet. 3) Scared of the consequences that might come out of it. These reason are in chronoligical order over the past several weeks. Does this sound like confusion? Whenever I would see her face to face her answers regarding a divorce and very soft. Almost like I need to drag the answers out of her.<p>She stated she feels horrible for hurting me but doesn't feel she loves me the way she should love her husband. I don't understand. If she loves me why can't she try to work things out to see if our marriage will work. She knows I'll do anything she needs.<p>I also don't understand why she has basically vanished from me and both sides of our families. She seems afraid to face people. If she is so set on her decision why can't she face people and tell them that this is what she wants? Or is this a sign of turmoil with her decision? The people with whom she would confide the most in rarely see or hear from her. She has basically gone into hiding. In fact my mother went to a reastaurant where she worked and my W avoided her. They were very close almost like mother and daughter. I later found out that my W did this because she hid in a room and cried for about two hours.<p>Does this sound like confusion, turmoil or any possible regrets on her part? She knows I'll take her back in an instant. I have reiterated that to her in a letter. We haven't see or talked to each other in about 9 days. Any thoughts?

I hate to say it (oh boy do I hate to say it) but it sounds as if she is having/had an affair.

My W has filed for a divorce. It seems like she is at the point of no return. I also suspect an affair although my wife totally denies it and is sick of being accused of this. I found out that she has become involved in conversations while working as a part-time bartender with a man who has a history of dating married women. She is still talking with this man but denies any affiar. The peices to the puzzle don't seem to fit. I want to belive her but I can't. I have reiterated this to her. The man in question is a smooth talker. He doesn't seem to care to much about whether the women is married. HE has done this in the past. I can't believe that a my W has fallen into this trap. I am afraid that sooner or later this so called relationship whatever it is or how far it has gone will sooner or later catch up with her and she is going to fall flat on her. She keeps telling me that she just doesn't want to be married and doesn't think she ever will. I'm very hurt about this and don't see how I can win her back after this new information. Is there any way I can sway her away from this divorce. I tell her that I love her but she says she doesn't want to her it. She wants me to get on with my life and doesn't want me to hurt anymore. I love her but I don't see any possibility of ever winning her back. Is there any chance to get her out of her withdrawal state back into conflict when a divorce has been filed. If she is having an affair I can't see how she can return? Is our relationship lost forever? I think that the filing for a divorce is the point of no return. Anything that I can do? Any help would be greatly appreciaited.<BR>

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

My W has moved into her parents house which is about 100 yards from our house. She has agreed to go to at least three months of counselling. Her feelings are it probably won't work. This does appears to be a positive step. Hopefully things will work. I prayed for a chance using a nine day novena. It seems that God might be on my side because her new decision came about the day after I finished the novena. God does listen and hopefully he sees us as meant to be together.<BR>My W basically said to me let's start the counselling so she can get it over with. I really think her expectations in life are not real and that she believs in a fantasy marriage. Almost like a soap opera. Hopefully our counselor can get her to realize this. Let's hope!!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by mal79 (edited 03-18-99).]