At the end of November 98 my wife told me she was unhappy and leaving this was after our second honeymoon in Bali. She said "She didn't love me anymore. The reason she married me was because she wanted to walk down the isle and got caught up in all the hype. She said we should have lived toegther first before we got married yet she was staying over at my unit 4 days a week for 2 years. She then moved out 2 days after we got back from Bali and our first year of marriage and took everything she ever put into the marriage and the gifts we received from our wedding. She even took the photo album and anything to do with the marriage. She said she wanted some space on her own. I gave her all of December and we met up on the 27th and she said she wasn't interested in going on anymore. She said she didn't want to play. I'm 30 she is 24. We've been together for four years, living together for the last year in a house we built together as a married couple. For the past 4 years we never had a fightor any sort of dis-agreement. We did everything together and people would say that we make them sick because we were so happy together. She would get upset if we were walking in a shopping centre and some girl looked at me. Then one day in late January 99 I went to a holiday place with a male friend of mine and there I saw my wife with her arm around another guy. I confronted them and asked him how long he had been seeing my wife and he replied a couple of weeks, then I asked her and she said 2 weeks. I asked what was going on and she replied "It none of my business" I let this go and a week later i called her up and asked if she is dating this guy and she said "No he is only a friend I am not interested in starting a relationship with any-one". She gets so angry with me now and has tried to put an intervention order (restraining order) on me because she said that I was hassling her and her family. Yet I called her parents and asked for their help. They were of little use as all they said was "Its over just get on with your life, there's nothing they can do" The restraining order was withdrawn by my wife and we spoke outside of the court house and we agreed to be friends. Several times over the last few months I have asked if there is someone else and she has denied that there is anyone she just needs time to work it all out. Yet she wants to be friends and when I try she constantly attacks me verbally and pushes me away. When I see her face to face she seems kind yet when I talk to her on the phone she gets angry with me. She says for me not to say that I love her, and yet she says that she will always love me?? Over the telephone she seems like a different person and shows anger towards me. She has asked for 6 months away from me, and says that we can never be togther as she no longer loves me and never will. I love this girl more than anything. I will do anything to save this marriage. She doesn't seem willing to try. I have suggested marriage councelling and in the past she has said no is a waste of time and money and what would councellors know about our marriage. Is there anything I can do or am I wishing on hope that isn't there? I am frightened of losing her for-ever, one moment we can talk civilly and then the next she attacks me for no reason. She says she want to be friends but doesn't want me around. The girl I married was so compassionate and kind and would never do such a thing like this. Yet I see no indications of her mind ever changing. I think time could be the only answer but then it may be too late. Any advice or personal experiences with this would be greatly appreciated.<p>[This message has been edited by anthonyv (edited 03-22-99).]

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

I have order a few books on the subject and have read a Q&A about living together before marriage. One thing my wife said to me before she up and left was that we should have lived together before we got married. And that she only married me because she got caught up in the hype of walking down the isle. Would these be the words of some-one angry or would there be some truth in it. As yet she has not told me what was going on in her head except that she says she is confused and doesn't have a life.??

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

I have been married for 12 months to the day before my wife left me for no apparent reason other than she doesn't love me and she only married me because she wanted to walk down the isle in a wedding dress. Now she doesn't even want to talk to me yet she says she want to be friends. She want at least another 6 months aprt from me and says there is no way we can continue our marriage. But she says she misses me a little. Where do I go. I have a new admirer who is interested in dating me. I have told her my story and she still wants to work on a new relationship with me. What do I do. Do I wait for my wife to come back or start a new relationship with this new girl. I feel if I wait another 6 months and find out my wife has started her new relationship would I look like the foolish one or if I start a new relationship and fall in love with this person and my wife decides to come back then what??

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

I would love to work out my marriage and have also ordered the books. I am waiting for them to arrive. Last week I had a huge panic attack and collapsed. I was terrified of losing her all together. You have probably been asked this question thousands of times before. But can a relationship of marriage be saved when one party is aprt from the other without communication?? And how can trust and faith be built on when they are apart. I know both H and W must put in the effort. But how do we get the party who left to come and discuss the relationhip without pushing.

Everyone is giving you advice and telling you to read this book and that one. We all have different experiences and know what has or is working for us. It is really confusing when you are in distress and you are getting all different advice. You need to listen to it all and follow it all and then decide what works best for you and your marriage. My advice to you is to read Divorce Busters by Michele Weiner-Davis. It has made a tremendous difference in my marriage and the other relationships in my life. It will give you "last resort techniques" to utilize. Also there is a website divorcbusters.com. The main things is to do for yourself and let your spouse see what used to be there and give her a chance to miss it. Goodluck

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Another glitch in the system. anthonyv notworking. Thanks for the advise and yes it coming thick and fast from all directions. Some of it is good and some bad. She is filled with hatred towards me and I do not know why. I have left her alone now for 4 weeks and my birthday has also passed. I did not receive a call or card. A friend of mine did send her an e-mail to ask her to call me and she replied that she is not interested in my birthday or my life. She has just grown bitter toward everything that is me. I would love to telephone but unfortunately I am on the other side of the world. Its been 5 months now and I wonder if it will all work out. I have in the past tried to keep in contact but have gone without contact for now a month. The books have not arrived yet and I look forward to receiving them. For what reason can some-one who walks out on you feel so much hatred toward you? Most people are just saying give up and start a new life with a new partner. There are supposed to be people waiting for me to finish with my wife. How long does one wait before one gives up all together. I think she has started dating now also.

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Well I have tried what you suggested, but I sent it as an e-mail. She is some what angry with me. One of my friends sent her an e-mail to ask if she would call me for my birthday. She responded that she "She doesn't care about my birthday or my life". I think I have to just give up on any reconciliation with her. I did not receive any reply from her and don't expect too. Its been five months now since she left and each time we meet which is basically in court. She is some what a little nice but still very distant. I have not heard a whisper from her for now quite some-time and I did try the e-mail with the advise above. Still having problems loggin in. The reason we have been going to court is for settlement on the house and other stuff. She did not get as much as she wanted, but this was a court decision. I have been going out a bit and having a good time. I have also been put on anti-depressants cause of the way I have been feeling. I am at a lost at what I can really do to get her to talk to me. I have tried everything.

Well its been some-time now and as yet my W has not responded to any of my questions. I have heard that she is still angry with me basically because she did not win at court. She wanted more money from me and did not get it. To date I have still not been advised what I have done wrong. She just said she no longer loves me and left our home we built together. Our divorce is still schedule for end of November 99. I do not want to divorce her I still love her but when she says for me not to contact her for at least 6 months I am then lost for what I can do. Its been 6 months since she left me with out warning and 2 months since we last spoke and she requested another 6 months. I have started to think about dating again as I do not believe she will be coming back. the books I have ordered have not turned up and its been a few weeks now. I get occasionally depressed and reminisce on the times we met and the good times we had. I wonder some nights if she thinks about me or she has totally gone off the idea of being any where near me. Time does heal and I am healing rapidly, I can feel the time comes when I must walk away and never look back, and this frightens me. Because that when I will lose my lover and my best friend.

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

I was reading your letters. As sad as it sounds, she is probably telling you the truth. I know someone who went through the same sitaution. Your wife sounds like she was not ready to get married. She was too young to know what she wanted. It takes 2 to save a marriage. If she doesn't want too, then all you can do is pray for her. If she doesn't want to come home, you will have to get on with life without her. But it is too early to get involved again.

I have decided with all the attacking I have received from her including just recently, even though I have kept totally away from her that i now give up. I do not want her back anymore. I'm just fed up with all the pain and constant reminders of her. I have decided to move on and I feel a lot more happier now. I have found a new partner who is not only kinder and more compassionate but is also a good friend. She is not interested and I have also lost interest in even working on my marriage. My wife is a failure and I am glad to get out of it. I made the realization that its all to hard and I'm not waiting for her anymore. If she comes back to talk I may listen but I wonder again is she worth it at all. How can one moment you be in love and the next have so much hatred toward some-one. I don't hate her but I do not like being hated for something I have no knowledge of doing.

I think that you are doing the right thing. My friend got on with his life and he married the best person in the world. I know because he married me! We are very happy. And the only thing he feels for her is pity! The best thing she ever did for him was leave him.He will be the first to tell you that. He always says that he couldn't imagine if he would still be married to her. We have been married almost 3 years. It was painful when she left but be grieved and got over it! You will be much happier in the long run!

Well I would like to thank you all for your help and if I can provide some help to other people I will try my best. I have decidedd to give up on ever entaining the idea of getting back with my wife. I will be going through with a divorce at the end of the year. I realised with her constant attack of me that it not worth it. I have found a new friend who is fantastic, she's playful, cute and just a great person to be around. I enjoy her company and she has shown me that the bitterness and hatred i received in the past couple of months my my wife is not worth the energy I expel. I have received a lot of advise and it has helped me immensly. God bless you all and a special thanks to Holy Ann. I think I am doing the right thing even though my wife had asked for 6 months. What ever will be will be. I do not even want to be friends with her.

<P>It was reading your message, knowing what you are going through all the pain . Well I am going to be right to the point. Your wife (little girl) is a very selfish YOUNG lady who I believe is looking out for HERSELF. she married you because she had a childhood dream of wearing a white wedding gown and walking down the isle, yet not once did she stop and think of what she was doing to you. Now she is moving on and don't try and tell me she is SORRY she is not she has left you on the back burner just in case your all she has to fall back on cause she is (AFRAID TO BE ALONE) and still confused (who to choose) she is gone and now holding on to you with selfishness (Friends?nope don't think so) so my conclusion---Get on with your life you need to be a man and stand up for yourself stop thinking of your broken heart or your Pretend marriage and move on. Believe me when your done and gone she will come crawling back to you and you will have already found true love and will close the door on her. Forget reading all those books this is your life and your feelings , use your head -----NOT YOUR HEART.<P>be happy and love will find you.<BR>Maryann

This message is for Glenn. Please read the things my ex wife (or legally to be) has done to me. She was the one who decided that it was over. I also caught her arm in arm with another guy a month after she left me saying she needed time to work out things. Do you call this a rebound or being faithful??? I think not. She had plenty of time before we married and then should have worked things out with me after she left. She took on a new partner and now after 6 months of assessing myself my relationship with her I have decided that she is not worth it. I am not having a rebounding love affair. My new partner is fully aware of the plight and pain I was in. I have tried to talk to my ex wife, but when I get comments such as quote "Piss of leave me alone, it over" Then I must accept this. The only time I seem to see her is when she drags me into court on a regular basis to get more out of me. She get her settlement cheque at the end of this week and after this she does not have to come back into my life. I must agree with Mishi, my marriage was a mistake as well as a waste of time. How foolish I was to fall in love and think she might come back. I have been to counseling, read books for me and have realized I need to "Become a Man and stand up for myself" She left me for some unknown reason. How am I ever to be sure if she come back that she will not do the same thing again. Trust and faith has gone and now so too love. What am I supposed to do sit at home and waste away my life and expect her to come back. She would only come back with vengeance not love. My new partner/friend is very comforting and has shown me what true friendship is all about and not just seeing what you can get out of some-one. I became successful because of what I put in, and so too is a marriage. You need 2 hands to clap otherwise its just a slap. And this is all I got. How long can one wait and how many times can one be slapped in the face before one walks away and say "That's enough" Well my time has come. You can only truly love one person at a time and my love for her has gone. I no longer wish to see, talk, associate or even receive any form of communication for her as she will once again complicate my life. Thanks again to everybody for your support I appreciate it tremendously.