Well I tried to fall into the arms of a new woman, but everytime we starting getting close I pushed her away. I still think about my wife virtually everyday even though I have not seen her now for 4 months. Somedays I wish she would just come back and we could start again and then their are days that I am glad she hasn't contacted me. I am more confused about my feeling now than I have ever been. I don't have any children so there is no need for contact. I feel she is thinking about me and is probably frighted to make any contact because she is not sure what I would do or say. I have the exact same feeling too. I did have a chance to get very close to some-one and yet I did not want to. I felt I was cheating on my wife yet in my mind I know that its not true. I want to tell her that I still love her and if she want to come back then my arms are still open. I am still afraid that if she does come back it might all happen over again. I have not seen her, gone past her place and have no knowledge whether she is seeing anyone or is even thinking about me at all. I am having a lot of fun going out most nights to clubs etc. Does it eventually go away or will I always feel this way???

Well its been sometime since my wife left and I thought things were getting better. She left in Novemeber and we last spoke in March this year, tis was at court for property settlement. She asked for time away and I have given her this. We have not been incontact since. I have read a number of books including Rebuilding when your relationship ends. It hasn't worked. I think about my wife virtually everday. My divorce is scheduled for Novemeber this year. I want her back but I do not know how to go about it. She has asked for time apart and I am doing this. I wonder if she feels the same?? I am afraid if I call her she may get angry at me again for trying to work out what the problems were. I've kept a diary of my feeling and last night I read it, I keep going up and down. I have found a new female friend who want more from me than just friendship. I don't know what to do. Hollyann you advised that I should give her the 6 months she asked for and I am doing this. I have read virtually everthing on divorce and separation. Nothing seems to help me out of this pit. All the books are saying not to get invloved in a new relationship until I know the last is definately over. Help me please!

I agree that you should be careful and not get involved too quickly in a new relationship until your divorce is final. Tell your friend that you want to be sure that any new relationship that you have with her will be permanent and not temporary and that you don't want to show disrespect to her by making commitments to her that you are not ready to give because of your emotional and marital connection to your wife. Give her the choice to be a friend and be patient and not put pressure on you at this time. My friend you need to clear your head first of memories of your wife until you can commit to a new relationship. From what you have written about your wife it sounds like she is a very unstable woman whom you should be glad to be rid of. <p>[This message has been edited by max (edited July 19, 1999).]

So much has happened in the past couple of months. I have a question to ask, my wife has asked for 6 months apart to work out what she wants. But she also said earlier on that the relationship was over. Now it her birthday in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if it would be a good idea to send her a birthday card, even though the 6 months are up at the end September and her birthday is in August. I was wondering what you would think would be the best option for me. The last time we spoke was back in March 99. I am afraid that she will get angry once again andyet I think she is now thinking about me and this could be a good opportunity to start talking again. WHat do you think??

I think it is far worse to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you than to give them up completely. You might find a way to get her back but it may not be for the right reasons. I think you might want to try living and forgetting and see what happens. If she wants to come back, she will let you know. She doesn't seem to have trouble expressing what she wants or needs. <BR>Good luck and God bless.

This still does not answer my question. They say time heals all wounds. Mine have been healed and I do not know if she is healed or whether she is regretting what she did. In today's society there are lures out of marriage that the grass is greener. What I want to know if any-one can give me advise as to whether I should make this initial contact or not. I understand what you said and this is the general concensus among my friends. But what really depends is whether I want her back and whether she wants to come back.

Well it was my wifes birthday and if you have read everything else you will know that it has been six months ago since we last spoke. I sent her a birthday card wishing her well. I sent 2 pictures of he and the dog. I then called her, I was scared stiff to phone but did it anyway. I invited her to lunch but she gave me an excuse that she was going out with the people from work. What I want to know is should I try a little harder or wait till she calls? My divorce is set for November and I really don't want to divorce, I want to work out my marriage. What should I do??

Hi anthonyv,<BR>Wow, this is the longest thread I have seen on this board.<BR>I am speaking from the point of view of a woman who has been in an almost 14 year marriage with a man I love very much who has continuously hurt me due to his failure to communicate, be honest, and his sexual addiction which started in his early teen years. After finding Dr. Harley's web site and books, we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and a way to a fulfilling marriage. Nothing else has helped until this.<BR>My suggestion for you Anthony would be to get Dr. Harley's books (His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters), read them, and make an appt. with your wife to meet sometime in Sept. as arranged previously in your plans for her to have 6 months to think.<BR>Talk with your wife in a totally calm and loving manner when you are with her and ask her to read the books before she decides anything. Explain to her, if you agree with Dr. Harley, that you agree to the Joint Policy of Agreement, and everything in the books, and that you think that his recommendations can help to make your marriage work if both she and you want to work on your marriage.<BR>Give her 2 weeks to read the books, if she is willing to do so. Make an appt. in advance for 2 weeks to discuss things again.<BR>If she is not willing to even read the books, you probably need to admit that she is not interested in restoring your marriage.<BR>Good luck and let us know how you are doing.<BR>Thoughtful

anthonyv,<P>I think you are very understanding to give your wife 6 months to sort things out. I <BR>however, think that now the time has come <BR>for honesty from both yourself and your wife.<BR>Dr Harleys techniques are excellent but they need a husband and a wife to complete them.<P>You need to know whether or not your wife wants to make this marriage work. If she doesn't then you owe it to yourself to get on with your life. <P>"Two willing partners can be a match made in<BR>heaven".<P>"Two miserable partners are a marriage of hell".<P>Read, talk, post do what ever you need to, to <BR>feel better but remember you have a choice. <BR>The sooner you speak the soon you'll know. <BR>No one can tell you what to do, no books, <BR>people or counsellors. What we can all tell<BR>you is that you deserve to be allowed to live<BR>your life in secure in the knowledge that it is right for you. Right now you are hanging from a thread and not on firm ground. Make those vital steps.<P>Speak to your wife and ask her does she want<BR>to work things out. Or does she want you both to go your separate ways. There is nothing worse than not knowing. <P>If she wants to work things out Dr Harley's books will help. "Why put off happiness".<P>If she wants you both to go your separate ways "Why put off allowing wounds to begin<BR>to heal".<P>We are all here for you, I hope this helps.<P>Take care,<BR>Theressa

Thank you so much "Thoughtful" and "Theressa" for your comments I finally made that call to my wife and asked if we could get together to talk with regards to a divorce or reconciliation. Currently she is on holiday and will not be back for a week according to her, but she is willing to get together for a chat. I asked her if she could sign the divorce papers and she said that we need to discuss this. So from this it sounded confident, but when I asked her who she went there with she said very quietly "Her Boyfriend" So from this whole conversation I was getting mixed feeling of yes we can work it out but no cause I am seeing some-one. I don't know if she did this to get a reaction or not. I then called her mum and he told me that yes she has gone on holidays, but when I did she go there with her boyfriend her mother said that she had gone there with one of her girl friends and made this very strong. She also told me that my wife did not want a divorce and was not sure what she wanted. That she has not thought about it. I said well after a year of separation I would expect that this is what she wanted. her mother said that when she gets home in a couple of days because she is cutting her holiday short for some reason she will then get her to call. So basically I have made the first step to sorting out my life whether it is with her or not. I would like to know from what I have written over the past year how I should handle this, whether I should take a strong stand and say NO or I should give her the chance to talk?? You are right that I am left on a string at the moment but I think I am a little closer now than what I have ever been.

Anthony your wife has given you over the year a pretty good idea of where you stand in her life. Maybe you should read over your posts to remember that she dumped you early in your marriage and treated you with contempt. Your wife has made no attempt to reconcile or work on her marriage. She has a boyfriend and yet wants to discuss possibly reconciling. Does that make sense to you. Her actions have shown that she does not care about you. yet you have been patient and waited several months for her to make up her mind. I understand that you love her but why put up with all this nonsense.She has shown you the type of person she really is. Right now it is easy to go your seperate ways. Just think how difficult it would be right now if you had children. My advice would be to get her to sign the divorce and run like hell.

Well I have taken your advice and as much as it really hurts I have asked her to sign the papers and release me for good. She was finally honest with me and told me that she has been dating this guy since we walked out. I know they say re-bounds don't last but it looks like this one has for her. Anyway I have decided to accept it and move on. I will run like hell and all I can hope for is that she keeps to herself and leaves me alone. I don't want to love her but I do. I know that time does heal and eventually I get myself back together. I have even thought of moving to Queensland - Australia or London - UK. My friends are saying that I am just running away but I think it would be best for me to do so. I need time and space to rebuild. Thank you all for your help, if it wasn't for this forum I know I wouldn't be hereto talk to some-one. I came so close to ending it all and every-one here helped me so much to get through this. I have two special friends Sophie and Rosie who have been there for me when I needed them. I think I still have a way to go but I know I have help from around the world. Thank you so much.<p>[This message has been edited by anthonyv (edited August 31, 1999).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by anthonyv (edited September 23, 1999).]

Well I thought I would update the people interested. I finally ended with my wife. She admitted to having an affair and yet still wanted to stay friends but on her terms. I basically told her to get knotted and leave me alone. I sent her the divorce papers but she said she wasn't going to sign them. I got a little angry with her because she wanted the best of both worlds and was hoping I would be there should her relationship with her current BF not work out. So all along she was lying to me and treated me like crap and thought I would be nice and just accept it. I asked her to sign the papers and give me half of the costs, she didn't have a cheque book so I said to her to give it to me in cash. She came back and said she didn't trust me. I then went off my tree and said to her how can she not trust me she was the one who cheated on me and what people were saying about her was true she is a Sl...t and I asked her just send me the papers and I'll do the rest. I then hung up on her. Anyway she signed the divorce papers and sent me a cheque for half. I have finally ended this whole mess and hopefully she stays the hell away from me and my family. <P>I would like to thank you all for the helpover the past year and it was good to chat to some people. Some of the things that were said I did not want to hear but realized it was probably for the best. Thank you all so much and the boook I ordered really helped. I still read a couple of chapters every now and then for refreshers. Maybe in a few years I can forgive for real but as yet I am still hurt inside. She got her kick in but this time I was standing. Thanks heaps and good luck to all.

Well I thought I would update the people interested. I finally ended with my wife. She admitted to having an affair and yet still wanted to stay friends but on her terms. I basically told her to get knotted and leave me alone. I sent her the divorce papers but she said she wasn't going to sign them. I got a little angry with her because she wanted the best of both worlds and was hoping I would be there should her relationship with her current BF not work out. So all along she was lying to me and treated me like crap and thought I would be nice and just accept it. I asked her to sign the papers and give me half of the costs, she didn't have a cheque book so I said to her to give it to me in cash. She came back and said she didn't trust me. I then went off my tree and said to her how can she not trust me she was the one who cheated on me and what people were saying about her was true she is a Sl...t and I asked her just send me the papers and I'll do the rest. I then hung up on her. Anyway she signed the divorce papers and sent me a cheque for half. I have finally ended this whole mess and hopefully she stays the hell away from me and my family. <P>I would like to thank you all for the helpover the past year and it was good to chat to some people. Some of the things that were said I did not want to hear but realized it was probably for the best. Thank you all so much and the boook I ordered really helped. I still read a couple of chapters every now and then for refreshers. Maybe in a few years I can forgive for real but as yet I am still hurt inside. She got her kick in but this time I was standing. Thanks heaps and good luck to all.

anthonyv,<P>I hope you'll still stop by and say hi, you have made some good friends over this year and it would be a shame for you to leave us now. We would all be interested in hearing your new life and the progress you are making. We are also here to encourage you when or if you need a shoulder to buck you up. <P>The truth hurts but as I well know and have told you not knowing beats you up much more.<BR>You should work on yourself and even take up an assertive course or a night class. Meet new people and get out and live your life. You are a good man and although you feel you have suffered God has been carrying you and caring for you. In the last year you haven't wasted your time you have been growing and have learnt a great deal about how relationships can be happy so your next one should be a great one, once you are ready, don't rush into anything, it is true that rebound relationship have a low success rate (there are exceptions though). I know its hard now but in time you'll meet and deserve someone special, but right now be selfish and enjoy getting to know yourself. <P>I know that I've said it before but I think I need to say it again, collect up any items at all that are your wife's and put them away. I think it is right that you told your wife that you didn't even want to be friends because she deserves it. She doesn't deserve such a kind and considerate friend, you want to go ahead without her and have a new future without all the reminders of the past. You have learnt and grown in your marriage whether you realise this or not but you don't need her any more. You have given her so many chances but now its your turn don't let her drag you down one minute longer. <P>You are strong and you can do without her. I am glad you got her off your path of life, she didn't deserve to be part of it.<P>You have been so assertive, congratulations to your new found life.<P>Take care<BR>Theressa

I have learnt a lot over the past year and believe me it was the hardest thing to do, to tell my EX-WIFE to stay away from me and my family. Unfortunately I will come across her regularly as we both work in the same industry. I have met some-body special but as you stated re-bounds do not have that much success and with this girl I would like to have some success. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks for being there when I needed some-one. You haven't lost me and if I can help out with other subscibers I will.<BR>Thanks for the advise and god bless.