I am new to the forum and have two questions. My first question is for anyone who knows what advice Dr. Harley gave an individual knwon as "T.C." T.C. asked what to do about being in a one-sided marriage. He loves his wife and wants to work on the marriage, while his wife "doesn't love him anymore" and "wants to find her 'happiness' somewhere else." I am in the same situation and Dr. Harley's' reply was, "I am not printing my answer to T.C.'s question.<P>Background: My wife and I have seen a marriage counselor. Right now she is not interested in seeing the counselor anymore. I believe it is because our sessions have reached a point of understanding that she is very uncomfortable with. Basically, we are at a point where all roads lead to her needing to deal with personal issues in which she is not ready to face. She won't even admit these "secret personal demons" exist.<P>Question #2: I have come to the conclusion that "true love" is something that either does or does not exist between two people. When it does not exist, people only realize it after understanding that the way they felt for their partner was for another reason, i.e. being in love with the idea of being in love, etc. However, true love existing between two people is different. I do not believe we have the potential to fall "truly in love" with just anyone we choose. My wife and I have what it takes, and both admit that we were truly in love at one point in time. I believe that once you are truly "in" love with someone else, the love never dies. I think it is something you have to nuture and the feeling of "losing" it is only because you allowed it not to be felt and won't allow yourself to feel it again, although it is actually still there. My marriage counselor and I believe I have made changes within myself to bring the walls down and allow my marriage's true love back into my life. We also agree that my wife has not brought her walls down because of her unwillingness to deal with her personal issues. These "secret" issues are the final stumbling block to her allowing our true love back into her heart. Am I wrong?<P><BR>

It is good that you have realised what you wall was about, what you need to do is help your wife work out what is stopping her from tearing her wall down. I believe in true love. When it has come it will always be there. No matter what the person feels they will always look back and realized their mistakes and look for the good in people. give you partner the time and don't push, cause you will only push them away. Let the truth set you free. Good luck with your marriage.

BCW - I am in the same situation. My husband of 29 years walked out on me. He's been gone now 3 months. I see him almost everyday (he picks up mail, his dog stays at our house during the day, etc). I try to be civil, I am now understanding that it is difficult because I am still so angry with him for deserting me and giving up on us. He is not interested in trying to reconcile. However, we are seeing a Christian counselor (he's going for my sake, to help the counselor have another perspective). I should be thankful that at least he's going. I'm at the point (after him telling me that he doesn't work on "us") that I give up. I'm exhausted from this inner turmoil. I don't know if I can actually walk away. There's no one else I want to live my life with. He's the one that I've been working for to retire with. <P>We are able to talk about our children and our grandchildren just fine. Anything else, it's like walking on egg shells. <P>My question, I think I should give up but I'm also thinking that if I move on, it will relieve pressure from him and maybe he'll relax and see things differently.<P>I personally believe he's suffering from depression and friends also agree. He does not agree. His attitude is that he's a martyr, the "poor me" syndrom. I know we have had a hard last few years but I think we've been given tools to work on things. His reply is that he doesn't want to take the RISK that 6 months down the line we'll be back at each other's throats. He couldn't take getting hurt again! I told him he was not the only one hurt (he had an affair - my fault of course). I try to move past the anger and hurt and I'm having a hard time. I keep telling myself I forgive him. Then I find myself angry or hurt again.<P>I also believe that my H has alot of old buried issues that have not come out until now. But how do I get him to see it? Tonight I'm trying something new. Our counselor had suggested that we read His Needs, Her Needs together. It has questions at the end of the chapters. We did last week and that was where I got bashed again - no, I really don't want to work on learning how to express affection with you. So after thought, I've suggested we read Love Is a Choice. It's actually a book about co-dependency. I'm hoping he'll see himself in some of this. Wish me luck.<P>Also, I am also new to the forum and can't figure out what is a member & what is a junior member? How do you get a reply from a professional - Dr. Harley or Steve Harley?