resolved<p>[This message has been edited by SadQT (edited May 20, 1999).]

Dear SadQT, Hi- I have read your other post under "conflict" and I couldn't think of what to say to help you and I'm not sure I can now. Just know that I am listening anyway- I know how you feel:someone hears you! What I did (everytime I brought up something I was majorly attacked verbally-it just made me feel like dirt. This was a recently as last week and I thought I was going to lose it seriously-the pain of years of this was great)-was follow Harley's advice and be honest. I sat him down and told him how I felt-not what He did-just how I was feeling. Once I got to the parts about having thoughts of leaving him and the kids.etc. which he knows I would be devastated to even think- he listened alittle more. I wasn't trying to manipulate him or threaten- even tho' it sounded threatening to him and he finally heard it. Maybe it was grace intervening. He (your H) must believe that the Bible says for him to honor his wife. By now I hope you have gotten your books- there's alot in there for you. Last week after our talk (me and my H), it wasn't easy but it was at least progress. Maybe you could get a reference for a LoveBusters therapist in your area. please let me know what you think and how you are doing. your issues and so many problems are ever much more complicated than mine,but just the hurts that i have felt make me realize that others are suffering enormous pain. Bury yourself in the books for 3 or 4 days. Tell your spouse if you read something that particularly speaks to you that is to his advantage (for me it was Harley's analogy regarding the Male need for sex- noone had ever explained it to me that way and I could understand it better- I had always thought it was only a power trip my H was playing w/me.so I read him that part and then he was encouraged to read some of the book -the part about Anger=Punishment for the spouse.) <BR>healing hugs,MaryC

resolved<p>[This message has been edited by SadQT (edited May 20, 1999).]

I know what you are going through, my W does not believe in counseling either, she says its a waste of time and money and what would they know about our relationship. The only thing you can you is work out where you both went wrong and see if there is hope to work it out. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest impression. Show him that you are there waiting for him. Don't push him cause he'll run further away, see if you can attract hm back. remeber you attract more with honey than what you do with vinegar. I'll say a prayer for you both and if you do need to talk I'll be there for you. My e-mail address is anthonyv@iname.com There is a book I read just recently it called "I'm OK Your OK" and the sequel "Staying OK" both are good for you. They give you a good for you feeling not your marriage. You need to work on yourself as well as your marriage. But remember you come first.

SadQT:<P>As a practical suggestion, I would advise you to consider counseling by yourself, after you've had time to read and digest the books that you've ordered. I've used the MarriageBuilders counseling and it's been wonderful---Steve Harley does a great job. And I've done the majority of this without my wife's participation, and it's still been very effective (slower, too, than if she participated).<P>You need to demonstrate new behaviors that help your marriage. You can only change yourself and your behaviors. Get working on that, and see what kind of effect it has on your husband. Often, your effort will be enough to draw him back into the "intimacy" role and he might just join you in counseling.<P>I'd plan on 3-6 months of consistant effort on your part for these changes to start having an impact. You're probably going to feel better about the marriage because YOU'RE doing something to fix it. And if you're doing counseling with Steve: he'll judge the success of your efforts with you and move to different strategies if the current one isn't working.<P>And Dr. Harley is a Christian (it might matter to your husband). The "rules for a successful marriage" are behavioral based, but you can find plenty of scriptural references to back these "rules" up (care for your spouse, don't lie, spend time with each other, don't "abuse" your spouse).

resolved<p>[This message has been edited by SadQT (edited May 20, 1999).]

edited<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]