I desperately want children, but my husband doesn't. He has always been honest about his feelings, but I thought that he would change his mind as he got older. I did not expect that I would want kids so badly. I feel like I'm empty. Having a baby is so important to me, I feel like it's the reason we're all here. <BR>I love my husband very much, yet I do not understand why he doesn't share my view. He doesn't have a reason why he doesn't want kids. Everything else is stable-the only thing preventing us from having a family is him. It breaks my heart.<BR>I wish I knew how to change his mind or how to learn to live with this void.

Many years ago, years before I met my H, I went out on a personal ad date with someone who turned out to be far too tall for me (6' 6", I am under five feet). Because we both knew nothing was going to happen, we were able to have a friendly evening.<P>This man gave me a very good piece of advice: "When a man tells you he doesn't want to get married, take his words as they are. Don't go thinking you can change his mind."<P>I've always remembered that...and it applies to your situation as well.<P>If your H has been honest about it, you really can't blame him. If you chose to believe that he'd change his mind as he got older, that was your choice, albeit a bad one.<P>Some people are just not cut out to be parents. It's the hardest job in the world. It requires that you completely sacrifice your own interests for the sake of your children. I am one of those people; so is my H. I knew that by marrying him, if I changed my mind later on, it wouldn't matter, because I knew he wouldn't. I wish more people who aren't cut out to be parents would NOT have children; perhaps then we wouldn't have disturbed kids with semiautomatic weapons shooting their classmates.<P>You are not going to change his mind. Perhaps your H knows what he's doing by not having children.<P>Can you explain WHY having a baby is so important to you? Yes, arguably it's the reason we're all here, but what about infertile people? Should they kill themselves because they can't reproduce?<P>Perhaps your H has good reasons and might not know what they are. Perhaps he felt his parents did a lousy job and he doesn't want to perpetuate it. Perhaps he regards it as a bigger responsibility than he wants to handle. Perhaps he knows he's too selfish to be a father. Perhaps he's just not fond of children. It happens. I'm like that. Doesn't mean I hate children, or I'm dangerous with them, I just only want them around in small doses.<P>Another thing to keep in mind is that "having a baby" is just that...but that baby grows up to become a child, then a sullen teenager in a heavy metal T-shirt who thinks you're a jerk. It's part of the package, not just a little pink thing that says "goo."<P>I could say that this is something you should have resolved one way or the other before marriage, but it's too late now. Children is like religion -- an issue you should never sweep under the rug and figure the other person will change his mind. But here you are, you're married, and if you decide to stay married, one of you has to give in, and it sounds like he won't.<P>If you love this man that much, you're going to have to make your peace with it. If he'd deceived you, it would be a different story...but he didn't. YOU CHOSE not to believe him. Suppose you wanted children but couldn't have any...and for whatever reason adoption was not possible. Wouldn't you have to make your peace with it under those circumstances?<P>There are things you can do to fill that void. Pets are wonderful...especially dogs, because they give you the unconditional love that you seem to think a baby will gie you. Cats give also, in a different way. You can also be a special person to the children of your friends and relatives. Most children, at some point, need someone other than their parents to confide in. You could fill that role. You could volunteer at your local school or community center. Baby sit. Open a day care center. There are ways to do something wonderful for children without having your own.<P>I'm just pointing these things out so if you do decide to stay with your H, you may see that you can still have a full life without children. My H and I are fine without them. We have cats, we take nice vacations, we can pick up and go when we want, where we want. If for whatever reason I want a "kid fix", I have friends with kids.<P>A childfree marriage is not a "lesser" marriage. In some ways, it makes it easier to stay a couple. In so many marriages, the couple loses track of each other in the parenting process.<P>Ultimately it's your decision.

-<p>[This message has been edited by MaryBB (edited June 26, 2000).]

"Dazed and Confused" says it so well! You said that you knew before you married that he didn't want kids but that you could change is mind....ha! I learned a long time ago that no one can change another's mind about something. You can argue the point all you want, but most people won't be changed.<BR>My husband and I always wanted kids, but have found ourselves infertile. I want to adopt, but my husband does not. I am trying to deal with this.<BR>Good luck!

Lydia,<P>I agree with most of what Dazed and Confused says. However, every situation is unique. <P>My H told me shortly after living together that he didn't want kids. He felt there was no room in his life for them. It eventually meant us getting separated. There is no way I'll live a life without children. He knew that.<P>Then something wonderful happened.<P>(Oddly, my indescretions with having an A just before we separated brought us closer together.)<P>After my husband moved out about two months ago, he had lots of time to think and he realized something...all the time he spent thinking of kids and how he didn't want them...was all due to the fact he never envisioned raising kids with a partner. Me.<P>When he realized he would have the support and love of a wife and mother, he came to find he did want kids. Sometimes men only think about kids and how they impact their own lives. They don't stop to think that it's a shared responsibility with someone they love. That was what happened in my case.<P>Now, as I say, each situation is unique.<P>The pressure I constantly put on him in our marriage made him anxious too. He knew his admitting he didn't want kids was a "make it or break it" decision for our lives together. I would offer ultimatums...which was not the right thing to do.<P>With time and space and freedom to think, he came to his own conclusions...ones that have us rebuilding a life.<P>Not sure this helps and I don't know what I'd recommend. Separation worked in our case, but I wouldn't suggest it. Hopefully there's another way to find out exactly why he doesn't want kids.<P>Best wishes to you.

You should be careful when you change someones mind about such a fundamental issue. If H thinks you will leave him if he won't change his mind, maybe he will.<P>Is that what you want? Years down the line H may well resent you for manipulating him into a position where he never wanted to be.<P>Just a thought

I agree with you. <P>My story is unique, but I wanted to impress the point that if you pressure someone, they will resist often with all they are worth.<P>Sometimes given the freedom to think they can, and do, see themselves and their lives in a different light.

Please mail me<P>I am Carol and I will try to help you<P>I was in a similar situation<P>I am an internet counsellor and part<BR>of a fellowship group with friends<BR>who will also chat to you at your<BR>choice of course and try to help you<P>I have respect for your feelings and<BR>understand your need<P>Your new friend<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com