I'm engaged to a wonderful man (it's the second marriage for both of us). We are both strong Christians but of different faiths. He is involved in a church that is very charismatic and very controversial. We are committed to getting married and are also commited to being a one-faith family (we each have two children). <P>We have had many discussions on what church to go to and he has said that he and his children would move to my church. However, whenever he makes a move towards my church, he starts receiving harassing phone calls from his pastor and other church members. They tell him he will go to hell if he leaves his church, that he's making a big mistake, and that if he does leave, he will be outcast and they will have nothing to do with him again. These are his only friends and so this type of response is very difficult for him to deal with and makes him wonder if in fact it is wrong for him to leave his church. <P>But I don't believe I could be a member of his church -- it seems almost cult-like to me. But I understand that the man is the spiritual leader of the family. Breaking off the engagement is not an option for me -- except for this issue, he's everything I could ever hope to have in a husband. Should I push him to leave his church? When I do so, it just creates a confrontational situation -- I think the decision for him to leave is one he has to come to on his own without my influence. Or as the spiritual leader of the family, if he feels his church is the right one, must I leave my church to join him? <BR>

This is a tough one. It looks like the church is cultish, but it needs to be his decision. It looks like he is already considering leaving, but is probably afraid of losing all his friends, and perhaps even being cut off from God--my wife was trapped in a church like that for six years. For four years she wanted to leave, but didn't have the strength because of these kinds of fears, which she finally overcame on her own.<P>So I wouldn't push it to leave the church, but would find some books on the experiences of people who came out of these kinds of churches. There must be many books about spriritual abuse, just look at amazon.com or christianbook.com. He can read those for himself and see if he recognizes the characteristics of spiritual abuse. There are many churches that seem to be Christian, seem to have OK doctrine, but are really cults because they are so controlling. This doesn't mean the individual members are evil--just manipulated. I was in a church like that for four months.<P>Equally important is for both of you to be involved in a normal, healthy fellowship with other Christians. It doesn't have to be formal--a smallgroup would be best, but even a friendship with another couple would suffice. And don't forget your time that you spend together with God.<P>To make him feel less pressured by you, you can go with him to his church if he wants to for a while (not as a member); just make it clear to him the things that you don't agree with and that you don't want to be controlled by leaders in his church. Once they see that you don't put up with manipulation, the leaders will probably try to put guilt trips on you, and if that doesn't work, expel you (both of you), lest you "corrupt" others. (If you feel up to it, why not make it your mission to enlighten other friends of his who are members of the church, e.g. by giving them books on spiritual abuse).<P>My guess is that he is afraid to not choose you over God, even though he is starting to have doubts about the church. Those leaders are probably trying to manipulate him by telling him not to choose you over God. So you need to always base your attempts to show him the truth on more objective evidence--books, other Christians. <P>If he is a commited Christian, you can trust God that he will eventually guide him and lead him out of the church, if he is not doing it already. You can certainly be sure that there is no place for coercion (e.g. threats of hell to deter leaving) in a truly Christian church.<P>Yes, the man is supposed to be the leader, but that doesn't mean that you can't persuade (not push) him to see the truth. In this case, it is pretty clear, and once he will see it he will have the strength to overcome the blackmail. Be patient with him as he takes that decision--being cutoff from all your friends is a pretty big price to pay, but once he realizes that it is a cult his decision will be much easier.<P>Hope that helps,<P>Radu<P>P.S.<BR>Feel free to email me at rusu@fas.harvard.edu <P>

double post deleted<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited July 25, 1999).]

Sheliaju,<P> As LH noticed, this is "cultish" behavior, in fact, a church trying to prevent a person from leaving is one of the warning signs of a cult.<P> A genuine, loving Christian church would be HAPPY that a man and his wife wanted to worship together. The only concern they would have is that the church you both go to is one tht teaches God's word. <P> If he's been especially valuable to his old church (an elder, or lay leader) they may MISS him terribly, but a real Christian church would never intimidate, threaten, or suggest that someone would "ho to hell" if they left the fold. <P> You didn't mention your denomination - or his, so though it's possible that his fellow church members might have some concern that YOUR church is a cult - but based on their behaviour, it sounds like THEY are the ones who are more likely to be teaching error instead of truth.<P>Also like LH, I invite you to e-mail me privately at Vvetter@tribune.com if you'd like to discuss this off-list.<P>Val